Peter Unzipped

Oh No You Didn't

2008-06-29T22:54:00.004-05:00

I think I laughed for about ten minutes when I saw this post over at Cute Overload.

Im On Ur Laptop

2008-04-22T00:04:00.001-05:00

Book Review: Creating a World Without Poverty

2008-04-20T09:32:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I finished Creating a World Without Poverty, a book by Muhammad Yunus that covers a lot of ground but mainly focuses on social business. For those of you who are not familiar with the term, a social business lies somewhere between a for-profit business and a charity. For the most part, a social business operates like a for-profit business except it does not pay dividends - it only returns the original investment to it's investors, any profits are used to expand the business. Like a charity the goal of a social business is to meet a particular social need, but unlike a charity it seeks to be self-sustaining so that it does not have to rely on donors for cash.

While Dr. Yunus is clearly not a writer by trade, and occasionally gets a little pie-in-the-sky (no harm in that though), this is a very interesting read for those who want to learn more about this new paradigm for solving social problems. I know I have been writing a lot about microcredit, which is covered somewhat in this book, Grameen Bank is more the topic of Banker to the Poor, his earlier book. This book also covers a number of other Grameen business, of which Grameen Telecom was of particular interest to me. In my last class at school (Marketing Management), one of our projects was to come up with marketing idea for Nokia. While doing research, I learned a lot about how mobile phones can help transform developing economies by being used in novel ways. For example, in some countries mobile phones are used similarly to Western Unions to transfer money through prepaid phone cards. In many areas, mobile phone technology is being used to leapfrog landlines for telephone service and Internet connectivity. Grameen Telecom helped women from villagers (a.k.a. telephone ladies) to start their own microbusinesses by purchasing phones and selling use of their phone to people in and around their villages.

Much of the book is devoted to challenging a number of the assumptions of the current economic establishment, for example that poor people are not credit-worthy (Grameen Bank has a repayment rate of over 98% - which I'm guessing is much better than the repayment rates for most loans in the United States) or that the main engine for growth in developing countries has to be the creation of employment. Anyway it's a great and inspirational read (there's a reason he and Grameen Bank won the Nobel Peace Prize), and I would definitely recommend it. Unless you're an asshat.

Rating: * * * *

Match Update

2008-04-14T21:42:00.003-05:00

Okay I know you have all been dying to know my most recent Match-ventures. For a while I didn't really check in much, and there wasn't much activity for a couple months. Anyway I was deciding whether to let my membership lapse about a month ago and all of a sudden was hit with a Match-valanche* of winks and e-mails. Now that I think about it, I wonder if Match bumps you up in people's search results when your subscription is coming up... (sounds a bit paranoid, but Match has already been sued for allegedly paying people to go on dates with people in order to keep people from pulling subscriptions).

The last month or so has been kind of annoying. One woman apparently needed me to send her an Evite to official formalize a date more than 24 hours in advance or she would make other plans. I went on two dates with another woman who I kind of had an emotional connection with, but she was a little boring and we didn't have much in common. I had another date with a 24 year old, which served to remind me why I don't date a lot of 24 year olds. She was nice enough, but it was like dating... a 24 year old. There was a Buddhist vegan who I traded a couple e-mails with, but after telling me my e-mail was one of the best she had received she kind of dithered around and stopped replying. And then there is the most annoying of Match creatures, the elusive I-winked-at-you-but-and-then-told-you-your-reply-was-great-but-then-I-didn't-reply-to-the-next-one-o-saurus.

My newest muse is training for triathlons and just got accepted into the Physical Therapy grad program at the U. After my run today, the latter may come in handy. Anyway it appears she is online at the moment, either crafting a witty e-mail or possibly blocking me from contacting her. Whatever it is, I will keep you updated.

*Okay, enough of the Match-related portmanteau

Book Review: The Sun Over Breda

2008-04-14T20:37:00.004-05:00

It's a good night for a little blogging action. I had my inaugural Spring run today which went pretty well, although right now my legs feel like what I imagine they would if they were repeatedly beating by a large stick.

I finished The Sun Over Breda last week, another Perez-Reverte book. It's the third in the Captain Alatriste series, although there are six in Spanish. Captain Alatriste is a soldier in the 17th century twilight of the Spanish Empire (yes, Mindy, Spain was once a mighty empire). Like all of the books, it is narrated by Íñigo Balboa y Aguirre, the Captain's faithful squire (or mochilero if you want to get all technical on that ass). Although the first two books were based in Madrid, this time the action takes place in the Netherlands during the Eighty Years War, specifically the siege of Breda. For those not inclined to study the Siglo de Oro, Spain was nominally in control of the Netherlands but it was in the midst of a rebellion that would go on until the Peace of Westphalia in 1648.

Anyway, the Captain Alatriste series is kind of a pulp historical fiction, sort of an homage to Dumas, kind of a Spanish The Three Musketeers. Unlike his other novels, these are more like a quick beach read although that doesn't diminish them (I like this much better than The Painter of Battles). Anyway the book is mainly a series of raids, counterattacks, trench warfare, and basically a review of how crappy life was in the 17th century. It also covers the decline of the Spanish Empire, which interestingly is a startling corollary to the decline of our own country (for example, some of the causes of the collapse of Spanish power was its concentration on fighting pointless wars, maintaining an empire, and concentrating on finances rather than actually producing goods. Plus kicking people they didn't like out of their country. Religious extremism. Blowing up Muslims. Sorry, I'll get back to the book).

In short, I would recommend this book to anyone who is into historical fiction about derring-do and gruff Spanish captains with plumed hats. Or you could just watch the movie (which is in Spanish and costs about $50, but it does star Viggo Mortenson).

Another Kiva Update

2008-04-11T20:59:00.004-05:00

Today I hit another Kiva milestone - my first loan repayment came in. Oleg paid off $100 of his $600 loan, of which $16.67 was returned to me. To celebrate this occasion, I am going to make my fourth loan tonight. It's always hard to decide whom to loan to - everyone seems like a pretty good candidate. I've been reading Creating a World Without Poverty and it, along with other information I've found, talks about how lending to women usually leads to a much bigger return on the investment (apparently men in less developed countries tend to spend the family's money on useless crap too). So I think I will focus my effort on women, and take a stab at another country. Let me put that into the Random Microloan Recipient Generator and press this button and see what it spits out...

(beep beep boop...)

...alright, we've come up with the Ketifallawo group in Kalerwe, Uganda. And no, I have no idea what Ketifallawo means (nothing on Google). This is another group loan and in case you were wondering, these kinds of loans are guaranteed by all of the members, i.e. if one member is late defaults the others are responsible for those payments. The group is made up of Anita, Annet, Grace, Sarah, and Joweria. The group members are looking to expand their businesses, by buying an extra sewing machine, more inventory, and iron sheets for a new poultry house among other things.

Th-th-th-that's All Folks!

2008-04-11T10:35:00.005-05:00

Wednesday was my final class for grad school, ever. I have to admit that Marketing Management kind of ended on a sour note, seeing that I was expecting an A going into class and in the last ten minutes learned that instead I am getting a B+. That may not sound like much until you realize that I have a huge ego and have only gotten A's and some A-'s until now. Oh well. I liked the classes anyway, not so much the assignments and (apparently) never ended up seeing eye-to-eye with the professor on things. On the plus side, the take-home final was optional if you liked your grade and seeing that I had what I guessed was an equal chance of going up or down I decided to be lazy and do nothing. Anyway I won't gripe too much lest I get too many smart-alec comments from Mindy.

Graduation is late May, and there is some kind of graduate dinner before then but I think it's the weekend I am traveling to Rochester, NY to visit my grandad (seriously, why is everybody planning something that weekend, huh?). In more positive news, I did learn that I have "earned top academic honors as a Carlson Scholar based on [my] achievements" at grad school. What exactly does one get for such an honor you ask? Piles of cash? Travel? A great job? A gold- and jewel-encrusted plaque heralding my achievements? No, even better! I will be recognized at graduation with a gold honor cord! Because that's what all new graduates need - cords.

Postin' in the Boy's Room

2008-04-11T10:09:00.006-05:00

Hello there, I am taking today off for no good reason other than I want to, because that's what we do here in America (take that terrorists!). The weather here in Minneapolis is horrible, kind of a wet, windy, rain-snow-slush fest that is a pretty fitting end to the crappy winter we just had. However, my condo is nice and toasty so it's a good day to snuggle up to my keyboard and type up a couple posts, among other things.

This morning I finished another drawing, and this time I stepped up the difficulty another notch. Instead of just drawing Otis, this time I decided to let Mindy join in the fun. I'm not sure what Otis is doing here, perhaps his Baby Jesus impression, but he sure looks funny (Maybe E.T.? Otis-in-a-blanket?). You've probably figured it out but the Nordic goddess looking chick is Mindy.

Now if you've ever tried to draw people, particularly people you know, it can be very frustrating. It's not that people are that hard to draw it's that even small mistakes are very noticable. I'm sure you've heard that beauty is largely defined by symmetry (damn you Denzel Washington!) and I think we are all acutely attuned to notice this. Not only that, but I think it's fair to say that any artist that tries to draw one of his friends is basically one set of buck teeth away from being alone.

Compassionate Action for Animals Dinner

2008-04-05T10:37:00.007-05:00

Well, last night was the Compassionate Action for Animals dinner which was held at the Coffman Memorial Union. It seemed a bit strange that I've been going to the U for three and a half years and have never been there before. But seriously, do people actually buy books from the bookstore? It's called Amazon people. Sorry, I'm getting off topic here.

Anyway CAA is either the organization which Mindy volunteers at to help animals live better lives and promote vegetarianism and veganism, or is a bunch of dirty hippies who formed a club for people who want to destroy America. You decide. Anyway, I'm sure if you know Mindy or read her blog she went veg last summer and in that short period of time has worked herself all the way to Volunteer of the Month at CAA. What. A. Nerd. Anyway this week she was running around trying to get the banquet and silent auction together for last night, and seems to have pulled things off quite well.

The silent auction was full of interesting stuff that people had donated. I told Mindy I would donate a date with me but I guess she was too busy to get back to me on that one. There was a lot of artwork though, plus some yoga classes, pottery, some concert tickets and other stuff. I bid on a couple things and got a big old basket full of vegan goodies (note to self: vegan does not always mean low calorie... burp...) and some fancy schmancy doggie shampoo kit for Otis. Mindy bid on around ten things and was close to being on the hook for almost $300 but ended up being outbid on about half of them. After that was the banquet, where we ate way too much food that was donated from various local businesses. After that there were a couple speeches, and then we collected the stuff we won at the silent auction. The end.

The Same, Just Different

2008-04-05T10:22:00.006-05:00

Well I went out on a limb again and drew another one of Mindy's animals, Kisa (whom hopefully you can tell is a cat). I have to say that drawing Kisa is much harder than Otis, for a number of reasons:

1) While Otis has three basic colors (black, white, and a little pink), Kisa's fur alone has many shades of tans, browns, and grays, plus pink around the ears and several greens and some blue in her eyes. Armed only with my Crayola 64-pack it wasn't quite possible for me to replicate the exact colors but hopefully I came pretty close.

2) The texture of Kisa's fur lends itself to a medium like painting, where it is fairly easy to layer a light on top of dark; for example, whiskers or the areas of fur where it looks kinda frosted.

3) Unlike Otis' sleek fur, Kisa has almost no distinct lines except her eyes - which means pretty much everything has to be drawn as a texture.

4) I have access to fewer pictures of Kisa. Of course, maybe she could help out by making funnier facial expressions or dressing up in outfits more often.

Catmoflage

2008-04-02T16:12:00.001-05:00

see more crazy cat pics

You, Sir, Are a Moron

2008-04-01T19:06:00.007-05:00

In less charitable news, I am starting a new feature I think I'm going to call You, Sir, Are a Moron unless I can come up with something better. I read a lot of online news and blogs and quite often I get annoyed with some of stupid things people say (not you Mindy!), so I am getting to be letting a little steam off by dumping on them.

Tonight's installment comes courtesy of CNN, that bastion of news integrity that it is, in an article on people how those people in the subprime industry are holding up. In an online article called Careers Vanish After Subprime 'Free Fall', which focuses on a couple that both worked for suprime lenders and recently lost their six-figure jobs. Ace reporter Chris Isidore captures in vivid detail the dramatic cutbacks this Orange County couple have had to make: trading in his Corvette for a (gasp!) Suburban, getting rid of their gardener. The part that really got my goat was when the husband said "It's very expensive to live in Orange County, and you pay a lot for your home and you can't get what it's worth now."*

Attention, Captain Asshat: here's a newsflash - your home is worth what you can get for it. That's the definition of what it's worth. You would think that someone in the mortgage business would know that but then again these two geniuses somehow didn't anticipate that there might be some employment issues in the subprime lending industry considering the fact that they both worked in it and that many experts have warned about this collapse for years.

You, Sir, Are a Moron.

*Italics mine

Kiva Update

2008-04-01T18:02:00.005-05:00

Well, my little project on Kiva is marching forward in good order. I've made two loans so far and just made another. After making sure that my previous loan to Oleg went through smoothly, I loaned another $100 to Rahim in Afghanistan who sells shoes and needed to buy some fresh stock, and today I made a $100 group loan to Sarwer in Pakistan to help her buy another floor grinding machine to rent out. The rest of the group is looking to borrow money for their window glass sales and rickshaw businesses (I assume the latter is the kind you drive, not pull).

Assuming all goes according to plan, I should start seeing my first loan repayment come in by the end of next week or so. In other microcredit related news, I am also reading Creating a World Without Poverty, a book by the aforementioned Muhammad Yunus about social business. When I am done reading that I will write another book review that you won't bother to read.

Book Review: The Painter of Battles

2008-03-30T14:28:00.005-05:00

As a few of you know, I tend to read a lot but such activities have been curtailed a lot by grad school. Well, now that school is only a week and a half from being done and I am done with all my assignments I've gotten back into reading. As some of you also know I am a big fan of Arturo Perez-Reverte, a Spanish author probably best known for The Club Dumas (upon which the movie The Ninth Gate was loosely based), the Captain Alatriste series, and a couple others.

The basic plot of the book revovles around Falques, former war photographer, who has given up the camera and at the moment is painting a mural in a tower. The book goes back and forth between Falques interactions with a Croatian ex-soldier who shows up one day and tells Falques that a photo he took ruined his life and that he is going to kill him, and flashbacks involving his ex-lover who was killed when she stepped on a landmine in Bosnia. The only real twist comes right at the end and is a bit underwhelming. Frankly, I'd say Arturo kinda phoned this one in. The book is pretty short (200 pages) and is cut from a pretty standard Perez-Reverte cloth: downtrodden borderline anti-hero, mysterious unknowable femme fatale, sinister bad guy. Given his real life experience as a war reporter, he does bring perspective to the book but I don't think it saved the book from being much more than mediocre. If you want to read any of his books, I have all of the ones (that have been translated into English, anyway).

Rating: * *

Otis Loves His Lobster Costume

2008-03-20T23:22:00.002-05:00

What a sad-sack.

More Drawings, This Time Something Different

2008-03-10T14:43:00.004-05:00

Well, I actually managed to draw something besides Otis for a change. I'm not sure what the title is, but here is a recreation of a Japanese woodprint by Hokusai Katsushika, who is perhaps best known for The Great Wave off Kanagawa. This piece probably dates back to the early 1800s. For the barbarians out there, these kind of woodprints are from a school of art called ukiyo-e or "floating world." They tend to be rather stylized rather than realistic, in part due to the nature of printing with woodblocks.

My New Thing: Kiva

2008-03-10T09:23:00.011-05:00

Well I'm staying home with the sniffles today so I thought it would be a good opportunity to finally set up my account on Kiva this morning. I first read about Kiva on Andrew Leonard's How the World Works blog at Salon (articles here and here), which by the way is a a great way to keep up with all things economic unless you are an operative for the RNC. Anyway, apparently Bill Clinton has been stumping for Kiva as well.

So for those of you who don't know what Kiva is, it's a non-profit company that allows people like me to loan money to the working poor around the world, a practice generally referred to as microcredit. The loans requested are generally pretty small, from a few hundred to a couple thousand. Traditionally most of these people have been ignored by the traditional finance system because they lack collateral, a credit history, or are generally considered not profitable. Microcredit has received a fair amount of press in the past couple of years, as Bangladeshi entrepreneur Mohammed Yunus and the Grameen Bank won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2006 for their work in microcredit and economic development. Hopefully some day the worldwide microcredit infrastructure will be built up enough so that organizations like Kiva are no longer needed, but until then I figured I would give a hand.

So for those of you wondering where all of the money for the Christmas gifts you didn't get went, this is where it is going. I did a little math and figured if I threw in some money for myself that might come out somewhere around $500 so the plan is to lend $100 to five different people. One of the hardest things to do is to decide whom to make a loan to. Each entrepreneur has his or her (or their) own story posted on Kiva, and it's hard not to want to give all of them a helping hand. Since I had to pick some methodology I guess I am going for a mix of geographic distribution. I made my first loan this morning to a guy named Oleg, a taxi driver from Ukraine. An unexpected choice, but Oleg appeared to be having problems attracting loans - my guess it's because he looks like a pretty jovial white guy (seriously Oleg, you need to work on your 'downtrodden' look). Anyway Kiva lets you attach a banner for your guys such as the one below, which I think should update as they move towards their loan goal. I'm going to wait a couple days to make sure everything goes swimmingly, and then I'll let you know about the other loans.

More Fun With Otis

2008-03-02T20:46:00.006-06:00

Well gang, once again here is another drawing of Otis, this time with his good buddy Phoebe. I was starting to wonder whether I could actually make a living out of drawing pictures of Otis but then I realized my income would be limited by Mindy's discretionary income and willingness to keep buying pictures of her dog from me. Oh well, maybe I will stick to helping her with designs for her new web business.

What I Really Wanted For Christmas

2008-01-15T22:15:00.000-06:00

As many of you know this year the Christmas season was a little drab with me coming down with strep throat and various other potentially life threatening illnesses. My Christmas shopping experience was basically non-existent, and like they say when you don't giveth thou shalt not receiveth... um... much. Or something like that. My parents sent me some neat stuff and a check for home decorating, and my brother and sister-in-law got me an iPod Shuffle, and my friend Jacob and his family got me some hot sauce and some chocolate. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get the one thing I was really hoping for. What's that? TRUCK NUTZ. Yes you heard correctly. Truck Nutz. Okay so maybe I don't own a truck, but you don't need a truck to enjoy these babies. According to their website, you can get "properly sized Nutz for motorcycles of all sizes, trikes, ATV's, golf carts and similar sized rigs." You can even get them in key chain form.

But sooooome people just don't get it. Maryland delegate LeRoy Myers is trying to introduce legislation that would ban Truck Nutz and other displays of anatomically correct human or animal genitals on motor vehicles. I have one thing to say to delegate Myers: GET OFF MY NUTZ.

Update 4: Drawerings Part II

2008-01-13T17:56:00.000-06:00

Alright, here is part two of my recent drawing binge. Here is Otis taking a siesta on the heater after enjoying a couple Coronas at Mindy's winter fiestaval. I just made that word up. Fiestaval. Anyway I have to research what my next drawing will be.

Update 3: Me and My Drawerings

2008-01-09T20:01:00.000-06:00

"Well you know my name is Simon

and I like to do drawerings..."

Something else I have gotten back to is drawing. I hadn't really done anything in a while so I thought it was time to work on a little portfolio. I decided to start with some drawings of Otis, everyone's favorite boston terrier. I finished the first one, a piece I like to call Otis Chewing on Bone (I uploaded a copy below). I am mostly done with the second one, Otis in Pancho with Beer, which I will post later when I have finished it.

Update 2: Grad School Marches On

2008-01-09T19:19:00.000-06:00

Fall semester ended a couple weeks ago, leaving only one class left to go in the spring. Financial Accounting was a snap especially after the infamous Financial Statement Analysis. Ethics was okay - the topics were sometimes interesting but any class with sixty students and a class participation grade is bound to result in a lot of argument-by-sound-bite. I was really glad that I decided to write the final paper the week ahead of time because write after that is when I came down with strep throat (and believe me, there was no writin' nuthin when you have strep throat).

I also have paid my final tuition bill and purchased my last school book. In fact, my grad school related cash flow will in fact be positive due to the tuition reimbursement money I will have coming back. My last class is Marketing Management, one of our core classes. In case you were wondering, no, I did not concentrate in marketing.

It'll be kind of strange to not be in grad school anymore. Class starts in two weeks and then runs for eleven weeks. I'll be glad to be done, but I've talked to a bunch of people recently about how you start to identify yourself as a "grad student," as this seems to carry some cachet in certain circles. This is especially true when your job is boring and rather hard to describe to people. Oh well, like Mindy I'm starting a new job hunt in 2008. I'm sure you are all as excited about it as I am! Yeah!

Triumph Strikes Again

2008-01-08T20:28:00.000-06:00

Here is another pretty hilarious post involving Triumph the Insult Dog, this time dumping on Bon Jovi:

Miss South Carolina Hearts Geography

2008-01-08T20:19:00.000-06:00

I guess Mindy was too good to post this on her blog, but in case you were wondering why Americans have such a problem with geography just ask the third runner up for Miss Teen USA:

Update: Reason, Me

2008-01-08T19:30:00.000-06:00

Well gang I suppose it's time for me to start to update the old blog again. Not too much has happened lately, with me coming down with strep throat a couple weeks ago which then transformed into some kind of cough which is finally just about done. That kind of put the kabosh on the whole holiday season, but we'll survive somehow. There are a number of updates for you (school, presidential race, Match, etc.) though but instead of making some kind of mega-post I will spread stuff out over a bunch of posts.

Anyway, this weekend was sort of a Mindy-Meg Super Party. As usual, it was at the Local which is one of the, um, local Irish pubs. It's a pretty nice joint, although I did learn that they replaced Strongbow cider with Magners, an Irish one. Although the name doesn't exactly roll off your tongue it tasted fine, although our waitress was not a fan of the change. Then again, I suppose serving a beer named after an Englishman who help invade Ireland in the 12th century doesn't really make a lot of sense. Anyway, it was sort of a blogger fest with many local and international bloggers in attendence. Most of you should know Mindy from Mindy Does Minneapolis, and Meg blogs out of NYC at Hobocamp. Christine of the now defunct Clog Blog was there and Jason of St. Paul Living fame was there with his new boyfriend Corey. Bobbi Jo of bobbiloblawslawblog was there as well with some friends, Katie was there with her fiance (she blogged for about two weeks). Non-bloggers included Heather K and Ben who I think went to college with Mindy.

A good time was had by all, although with this crowd there must always be some drama. Christine was all sad because her fiance had to go back to grad school in Pittsburgh. Mindy broke off her Internet relationship with her Internet boyfriend because apparently he Internet sucked, or something like that. Meg is leaving NYC to go to grad school, and it turns out that Heather has been sick for about as long as I have. Personally, I had to swallow my pride when Corey (who was sitting right next to me) announced that he had a ton of great, single women friends but he couldn't find any straight men to set them up with. While Ben was offered a hook up with one of Corey's fabulous co-workers the plan for me was apparently to accompany them to the Saloon. That's a gay nightclub. Corey thought that a lot of straight women went there to meet straight men. I will let you come to your own conclusion about that, but I'll just say that I think I have a better chance at meeting eligible women at a Promise Keepers' rally than at the Saloon. Seriously. This is the story of my life.

In other strange news, it turns out that Meg is going to Tanzania to do volunteer work this summer on what appears to be the same program that someone I know is on right now. Combined with the lionologist that makes three people I have met recently who have, are, or will be spending significant time in Tanzania. The funniest part is that they were both told to buy baggy pants before they went on the trip, because apparently in Tanzania the sight of a white woman in hot pants is enough to cause major street rioting. Apparently this is due to some kind of butt fetish, which I can relate to (although I don't go around tipping cars over and lighting them on fire or anything).

Facebook Stalker

2007-10-12T18:25:00.000-05:00

This video may be a bit amatuerish, but it does a pretty good job of summing up my feelings about Facebook.

"Return on Success" Garners Lowest Approval Rating Among War Slogans

2007-09-20T07:39:00.000-05:00

Washington, DC - In another setback for the President, a recent Zogby poll showed that the new slogan "Return on Success," unveiled September 13th, has only a 22% approval rating among voters. Unlike previous slogans, such as "Mission Accomplished" (88%), "Stay the Course" (72%), and the lesser known "Adapt to Win" (55%), "Return on Success" has failed to capture the hearts of Americans. While some critics said that the slogan failed to resonate because it was misleading since the troop draw down was inevitable no matter what Bush wanted and that the surge strategy has failed to meet most of its benchmarks and that the President has steadfastly refused to even define success, pundits think its failure to resonate is more elemental. "One word: lame," said one prominent Republican strategist who asked not to be identified. "This is the guy that brought us bold pronouncements such as 'Plan for Victory' and 'A New Way Forward,' and this is the best he can do? It just makes him sound like a huge pussy."

In other news, rumors are swirling around the blogosphere that Internet sensation Peter Unzipped will be launching a contest soon to help Bush select his next slogan. Peter Unzipped could not be reached for comment.

What Not To Wear: Pete Edition (Part V)

2007-09-18T19:19:00.000-05:00

I thought I had covered most of the fashion disasters around here, but I was wrong. Some people have still not gotten the message.

First off, memo to Roger Federer, re: the all-black look is not in. Even for you. Even the All Blacks from New Zealand barely get a pass on this one. This look was not cool even in the mid-90's when it was in vogue. I don't care if you're the best tennis player of all time this fashion statement is definately out of bounds.

Secondly, anyone wearing a big fluffy hat is hearby declared in fashion default. That means you Mystery. That means you Tommy Lee. That means you Pamela Anderson. Consider yourselves warned.

Another troubling fashion trend I have noticed in both celebrities and common folk is the short tie look. I've been looking for a photo in vain but I was watching football on ESPN this weekend and saw Emmitt Smith wearing a short dress tie that I swear ended at least four inches above his belt buckle. On purpose. Now as many of you know I have complained previously about larger people whose ties are too short because they refuse to buy extra long ties. But to do this on purpose is just unforgivable. I've also seen several people try and pull this off here in Minneapolis. If you see any of these people, please help them. And if you see Emmitt, please tell him to stop getting fashion advice from Michael Irvin and Steve Smith.

Last but not least, I was watching the news the other day and Robert Draper, author of Dead Certain - the new biography of George Bush, was having an interview with my personal hero Wolf Blitzer. Mr. Draper is a correspondent for GQ, who is from Texas and became acquinted with the Bush family while working at Texas Monthly. Anyway this file photo on the left doesn't quite do his hair justice so I attached the following video of Draper doing an interview with Bill Maher which will give you a better picture of the... amazingness of his hair. Beyond wondering how someone who works for GQ would be allowed to have this haircut, I knew Draper had ripped this hairstyle off from somebody. It took me a little while, but then it came to me. Robert Draper stole his hair style from Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg, Gary Oldman's character from The Fifth Element. My advice to Mr. Draper - do not bogart the hairstyle of a fictional super-villian from the future.

The Official Peter Unzipped Worst Comment Written On Your Blog Contest

2007-09-18T18:13:00.000-05:00

There have been a lot of buzz lately about the general nastiness that seems to be taking over the blogosphere. The anonymity of the Internet seems to make a lot of people feel like that have the license to spew hate and bile all over the place. I suppose there is some upside to this - it reminds us that beyond the PC face of America there is still a lot of hate out there and we still need to deal with it. The most prominent headlines lately have involved online attacks and threat against women bloggers, ranging from offensive Internet trolls, to slander, to threats of violence and rape. Probably the best known case involves Kathy Sierra, a top one hundred blogger who shut down her blog after receiving threatening posts.

On a somewhat lighter note, many of our blogs around here have received there share of inane trolling. Mindy, for example, have received some lovely comments such as these from Captain Diaperhead-Terror-Watch-Listed-Iranians. In honor of the the people who heroically put up with these morons, I am kicking off the Official Peter Unzipped Worst Comment Written On Your Blog Contest.

The rules are pretty simple. The contest will run for about two weeks or whenever I decide to end it. Simple post a comment with the particular comment(s) and provide a link to your blog post. Once the contest is over I will declare a winner, who will receive fabulous cash and prizes* and the First Annual Don Imus Memorial Nappy Headed Hoes Award. Now, I know Mindy has a couple other zingers buried on her blog so you better get going!

*Some leftover Danish and Hungarian coins

Chino Latino Settles Really Ironic Lawsuit

2007-09-15T15:12:00.000-05:00

Local trendster restaurant Chino Latino recently settled a lawsuit file on the behalf of latino employees by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) alleging mistreatment. The lawsuit alleged that latino workers were subjected to racial slurs, were given shorter breaks and more discipline, and that two workers were fired for organizing a meeting that took their complaints to management. Chino Latino agreed to pay $325,000 and take several steps to prevent further discrimination.

No word on how crappy they treated the Chinese employees.

Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Christopher Dodd

2007-09-15T10:39:00.000-05:00

Chris Dodd is the one candidate for which I have no idea why he is running. When your angle appears to be the "anti-war candidate that is not Mike Gravel or Dennis Kucinich" you really just need to drop out of the race. The media basically ignore him, he has zero chance of winning, and he doesn't appear to be pushing any issue in particular.

Candidate: Christopher Dodd
Party: Democrat
Age: 63
Birthplace: Willimantic, Connecticut
Education: B.S. Providence; J.D. University of Louisville
Resume: Peace Corps - Dominican Republic1968; U.S. Army Reserve 1969-1975; Lawyer 1973-1980; U.S. Senator 1981-
Lazy Media Narrative: Wait, Chris Dodd is still running?
Campaign Motto: "Leadership When America Needs It Most"
Websites: http://chrisdodd.com/splashpage/, http://www.myspace.com/senatordodd

Besides his ability to rhyme his last name with works such as squad and pod (as in iPod), Chris Dodd's campaign seems to be based on being the loudest proponent of of the positions of the "Democratic base." My take on Dodd is that his positions aren't really that different from the leading Democratic contenders, except that they are aiming at a national audience while he is focused on the base so he can afford to come off as more liberal.

Other than that, Dodd's only other major accomplishment that I know of is being known as a corporate shill. In 1998, he was dubiously awarded a Golden Leash for his ties to the accounting and other industries after contributions from various companies went up five fold after Dodd passed industry-friendly reforms. Dodd is also largely credited with limiting auditor liability rules which helped lead to the Enron collapse and other accounting related fiascos.

Does anyone know anything actually interesting about Chriss Dodd? Anyone?

Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Mike Gravel

2007-09-14T16:32:00.000-05:00

Today's coverage is on everybody's favorite crank candidate, Mike Gravel. Gravel has been busy the last couple months out-Kuciniching Dennis Kucinich and has provided us with some of the great moments of the 2008 campaign so far. Sure, the federal government might cease to function if he actually got elected but you gotta give Mike one thing - the man has balls. Whether he is stating the obvious when the other candidates are too careful to, or proposing some nut-job idea, Mike Gravel always calls it the way he sees it.

Candidate: Mike Gravel
Party: Democrat
Age: 77
Birthplace: Springfield, Massachusetts
Education: B.S. Columbia University's School of General Studies
Resume: United States Army Intelligence Agent 1951-1954; Alaska House of Representatives 1963-1966; U.S. Senator 1968-1980; various jobs 1980-1989; founder of The Democracy Foundation 1989-
Lazy Media Narrative: Far-left curmudgeon
Website: http://www.gravel2008.us/

Mike Gravel has been around for quite some time, and before running for President in 2008 he was best known for (as a U.S. Senator) helping release the Pentagon Papers and for blocking legislation renewing the Vietnam draft by staging a one-man filibuster for five months until Nixon and key Republicans agreed to let it expire. After two terms as a Senator for Alaska, Gravel lost the 1980 Democratic primary and conceded that he had "alienated almost every constituency in Alaska." In 2006, Gravel announced that he was running for President of the United States.

Currently, Mike Gravel's biggest issue is that of direct democracy. He runs The Democracy Foundation, which promotes the National Initiative which in short is trying to create ballot initiatives and the federal and all other levels. Currently ballot initiatives are available in half the U.S. states and a number of smaller jurisdictions. Considering that most ballot initiatives I have heard of tend to be cheap Republican stunts I am not sure whether Peter Unzipped can endorse this position at this time.

Other Gravel concerns are universal health care, better education, decriminalization of drugs, ending the death penalty, reducing energy dependence, and replacing the income tax with a national progressive sales tax (see: FairTax, normally put forth by libertarian curmudgeons like Neal Boortz). He is pro-choice and often rails on the military-industrial complex. In the past he worked to stop nuclear testing off of Alaska and has worked on Inuit affairs.

The best part of Mike Gravel though is the shit that comes out of his mouth. This guy has more lines than a coke dealer. There are a ton of great YouTube clips of Gravel below but I picked out my two favorite below. The first is Mike Gravel talking about gays in the military at an LGBT festival and the second is some kind of post-modern Gravel campaign ad. In one of the recent Democratic debates, Bill Maher asked Gravel about rising obesity and failing schools and whether or not he would be willing to tell Americans that they were getting fatter and dumber. Gravel replied (clip here): "I am prepared to tell you that Americans are getting fatter and dumber. I have no problem saying that." Gravel finished by saying:

Now, can the American people stand that kind of leadership? That remains to be seen.

How true, Mike, how true.

Gratuitous Video Post of the Week

2007-09-12T21:50:00.000-05:00

I think these commercials by EqualMarriage.org pretty much sums up the gay marriage issue for me.

William Donohue Needs to Calm Down

2007-09-12T11:25:00.000-05:00

Kathy Griffith won a Creative Arts Emmy the other day, and gave the following acceptance speech:

A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. So, all I can say is, 'Suck it, Jesus.' This award is my God now.

Of course, this sent William Donohue of the Catholic League into a fit (admittedly, it is actually hard to tell when William Donohue is having a fit since he appears be unable to speak in any tone other than 'loud and angry'). Donohue demanded that E! censor the show and, like the obedient lapdogs to the dominant hegemony they are, E! complied.

First off William, have you ever seen an awards show before? My guess is the answer is no, because if you had you would have realized that the main target of her sarcasm was all the people who give sappy and/or phony shout-outs to God and/or Jesus during awards ceremonies as if them winning the Life Achievement Award for Daytime Drama was all part of the divine plan.

Plus it's hard to take this too seriously coming from a guy who said this during a discussion of Passion of the Christ: "Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in general." He has also offered up zingers such as "...I'm pretty good at picking out who the queers are..." and claims that the little problem that the Catholic Church had with child rapists was actually a homosexual issue, not a pedophile issue. Really anyone who has ever heard Donohue on TV before (why anyone besides Fox News keeps inviting him back I have no idea) knows that every time somebody does or says something he doesn't like he goes on some crappy news show and screams and calls them a bigot.

Do you want to know why some people are skeptical of the Catholic Church William? It's you.

Besides, I know from my personal relationship with Jesus that he actually loves My Life on the D-List and watches it all the time. He said he saw the award show and though that shit was hilarious.

Oh by the way William, Kathy Griffith called and said to thank you for the free publicity.

Heartwarming Story of the Day

2007-09-10T18:55:00.000-05:00

It was a pretty boring day at work today, but I did manage to come across this story. I had seen an Animal Planet show where dogs were surrogate parents for wolves, but this 10-year old chihuahua Mimi decided to adopt four baby squirrels that some guy found after he cut down a tree. Check it out!

Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Mitt Romney

2007-09-08T16:24:00.000-05:00

In order to help readers better understand the candidates running for President in 2008, I have decided to write official Peter Unzipped summaries of each of the candidates. I have decided to start with Mitt "Double Guantanamo" Romney, definitely one of the more interesting candidates.

Candidate: Mitt Romney
Party: Republican
Age: 60
Birthplace: Detroit, Michigan
Education: B.A. Brigham Young University, JD/MBA Harvard University
Resume: Boston Consulting Group 1974-1978; Vice President Bain & Company 1978-1984; co-founder of venture capital and leveraged buyout firm Bain Capital 1984-1998; CEO Bain & Company 1990-1991; President of the U.S. Olympic Winter Games 1999-2002; Governor of Massachusetts 2003-2007
Lazy Media Narrative: Can a Mormon be elected president?
Websites: MittRomney.com, The Five Brothers (his sons' blog)

Best Known For: Looking plastic; flip-flopping; being a Mormon; winning the Iowa Straw Poll; his favorite book being Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard; being the richest candidate in the Presidential race

With sinking gubernatorial approval ratings, Romney announced in late 2005 that he would not seek a second term as Massachusetts governor and decided he should run for President instead. Romney officially entered the race in February 2007. Despite concerns over his religion and his ever-changing political views, Romney had an impressive early showing and raised large amounts of money, but it turned out that his appeal was mainly that Republicans really didn't like any of the other candidates at the time. Now that this role has been taken over by Fred Thompson, Romney's campaign is sinking fast. Romney won the recent Iowa Straw Poll, although front runners Giuliani, Thompson, and fourth place John McCain all skipped the event. When asked about the absence of the other front runners, Romney stated: "If they'd thought they could be successful here, they would have been here. Their decision not to compete here was not a decision based on a position of strength." Sure Mitt, either that or maybe it was because the Iowa Straw Poll is a meaningless, non-binding contest won by the candidate who buses the most Iowans to Ames.

Like most of the other Republican front runners, Romney spends most of his time making crazy right-wing pronouncements in order to distract people from his moderate past. For example, during a May Presidential debate (clip below), Mitt responded to a question about the detention of suspected terrorists by saying "I don't want [suspected terrorists] on our soil, I want them in Guantanamo where they don't get access to lawyers... some people have said we outta close Guantanamo, my view is we outta double Guantanamo."

In August, Romney was asked why none of his sons had enlisted in the military, Romney said (clip below): "It’s remarkable how we can show our support for our nation, and one of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping to get me elected, because they think I’d be a great president," which most people interpreted as equating driving around Iowa on a campaign bus to military service.

Romney's stances on most issues is pretty typical for a Republican (pro-death penalty, against the estate tax, etc.). He is pro-life, although he has previously pledged to uphold Roe vs. Wade (he was referred to as "multiple choice" by Ted Kennedy). He has supported a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and has rescinded his support for domestic partnership benefits (I won't mention his letter to Log Cabin Republicans that stated he would be more supportive of gay rights than Ted Kennedy and that "we must make equality for gays and lesbians a mainstream concern").

Romney is pro-gun and stated that "I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." After it was revealed that he had only been hunting twice in his life, he clarified: "I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will. I began when I was 15 or so and I have hunted those kinds of varmints since then. More than two times."

Gratuitous Video Post of the Week

2007-09-04T20:34:00.000-05:00

I got this link from my friend Isabel -- normally the least Internet savvy person in the world. BTW you probably don't want to watch this at work.

Neón No Más

2007-08-28T20:49:00.000-05:00

Well true believers, the day has finally come - I have finally gotten rid of my Dodge Neon. For some inexplicable reason, the folks at Brookdale Honda thought it was worth $400 - to which I said "sold!" My new vehicle is a shiny new silver Honda Civic LX automatic sedan with all-weather floor mats, splash guards, and this thing that tells time.

It will take some time to get used to my new car. The Civic drives so much smoother than the Neon I have to be careful with the speed. Not that the Neon was actually that rocky of a ride, but let's say that when you were driving 65 you knew you were driving 65. Also there is a lot of paranoia when it comes to driving or parking in tight spaces, particularly my parking ramp. The Civic isn't really that big but after the Neon it feels like driving a boat, although it largely makes up for it with a superior turning radius. However, the fear of blemishing my shiny new car and a quirk of perception that leads me to believe that the front of my car ends at a point which in reality would be about fifteen feet in front of my dash has given me a paralyzing fear of parallel parking.

The trip to the dealership went quite well, I was in and out within two hours. I worked with a guy name John whom at least at the moment I would recommend if anyone is in the market for a Honda. Of course, when I walked in I basically knew what I was going to get and how much I was going to pay so there wasn't much room for error. If you are buying a new car I would absolutely recommend starting by getting quotes on the Internet. If a dealer knows you are an "Internet customer" you are going to get reasonable quotes on most things right off the bat. If you pay MSRP you are a chump. Of course, most sales people will still try to get you with overpriced options, extended warranties, and financing, the latter two being things you should almost never get from a dealer.

Speaking of which, where do car dealers dredge up these finance guys? Clearly they did not attend any business school that I went to, since they either don't understand basic financial concepts or pretend not to. I knew going in that I was not going to get either a warranty or financing from Honda, but that didn't stop finance guy from trying. First he tries to convince me that buying an extended warranty makes sense. No, it doesn't. Like any insurance, extended warranties are a losing bet you don't take unless you can't afford to lose. One of his lines was that it doesn't take too many repairs for the warranty to pay for itself. Well, that's true, but obviously Honda knows that is not likely otherwise they clearly would not be selling the warranty in the first place. Am I supposed to believe that all the actuaries that work for Honda are a bunch of morons? Listen mister, I go to a well-respected business school and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. And don't get me started on the time value of money issue. Anyway after it was clear to him that his flim-flam wasn't going to get me to buy some ridiculous extended warranty. Then he wanted to talk about why I wasn't financing the vehicle, "out of curiosity" of course. I told him I was paying with cash because I have enough cash. Then he threw out a line about how a car is a depreciating asset, which I can only guess he meant was an obvious reason to finance the purchase? Earth to douche, anyone with elementary knowledge of personal finance knows that you DON'T borrow money to buy a depreciation asset. Seriously, I have many leather-bound books. I am kind of an big deal.

Oh well, finance dude didn't last long and soon retired to have a smoke outside and share a bitter word with another finance dude. While he is off evaluating his poor life choices, I on the other hand will be enjoying my new whip. It's going to take a while to get used to - things like remembering to put my windows up before I turn the car off and actually caring whether I side swipe the wall of my parking garage - but I think I'm going to like my smooth new ride.

Actual Content Coming Soon

2007-08-11T10:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been back in town for almost a week now, and things have been very busy. I'm getting back into the swing of things at work and well on the way to getting a new car, so I will be back to blogging here after I finish up some posts on The Flying Danish.

Last Post For A While

2007-06-19T16:48:00.000-05:00

Hey gang,

I'm only 51 hours away from takeoff, so this is probably the last post here for a couple of months. I will still be posting vis-a-vis The Flying Danish, hopefully my Internet connection will be good enough to post a whole bunch of pictures.

Dear 2012 London Olympic Committee

2007-06-16T09:58:00.000-05:00

You know, I always thought of the British as being pretty trendy and stylish and all that. Then I saw the new logo that the was unveiled for the 2012 London Olympics. And all this comes only two years after we were subjected to the euro-banality of Neve and Gliz. Apparently this jigsaw-looking piece of crap is supposed to be be s stylized version of 2012, but really it is just a jigsaw puzzle-looking piece of crap. It cost almost $800,000 to come up with this.

Not only are the advertisements for the 2012 London Olympics ugly, they apparently are dangerous too. It turns out that the television and internet ads, which look like a bad Dire Straight's video, have been inducing epileptic seizures.

Yes Mindy, There Was A Russian Ninja Terrorizing Italy

2007-06-16T08:56:00.000-05:00

I was having dinner last night with Mindy Does Minneapolis, and afterwards we went to see my cousin's band The Million play at the Turf Club. At one point, I mentioned that Italian police had recently captured a Russian ninja who had been going around robbing people. Despite her worthy facade of acceptance, I had a feeling she thought I was B.S.'ing her. Not so, true believers! You can read more about the ninja here, here, and here, or you can just Google "Russian, Italy, ninja" and get a ton of articles. To learn more, I also sent an e-mail to AskANinja@gmail, I'll let you know if I get a reponse.

Igor Vaclavic, a 32-year-old former Russian soldier from the Russian army, had apparently spent the last couple weeks roaming the northeastern Italian countryside and robbing farmers while dressed as a ninja. Armed with a bow and knife, along with nightvision goggles and a head torch he had been holding up farmers and demanding cash.

His reign of terror came to an end on Monday, when he broke into a farmhouse and after being startled by the farmer (Giovanni Zampieri) who accidentally discharged his rifle, fled the scene using the most ancient of ninja tools - the bicycle. "The fellow took fright and ran away, slipping on the broken glass from the door, then hopped on a bicycle and went hell-for-leather through the cornfields, riding his bike as if it were a horse." Police soon arrived and tracked him down to an abandoned farmhouse where he was arrested.

Apparently Mr. Vaclavic's ninja disguise had been inspired by his childhood idol, Robin Hood. I guess nobody had the heart to tell him that Robin Hood was not a ninja, nor did he generally steal from farmers.

Match Update

2007-06-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't gotten any response from the hot Estonian babe yet, so I'll have to stick to my actual dating activity.

I haven't gotten any really crappy e-mails like this one, but I have gotten a few weird ones. The best one had no subject line and the only thing it said was "hollow." Not hello. Not holla. Hollow.

I'm still getting about one e-mail or wink a day on average, which seems about right for a guy. Most women I've talked to get between four and five times that many but I don't think as many women use the carpet bombing approach to Match. Lately it's been pretty slim pickings, a lot of people who have a profile that consists of one short paragraph. C'mon people. You would have to be serious hot for me to respond to one paragraph. Other people clearly did not read my profile. One winker's profile read: "Faith is SO important to me. It is the most important aspect of finding a mate. I want someone who can challenge me in my faith and bring me closer to God." That's great but, um, did you even OPEN my profile?

Anyway I'm trying to decide what to do with my profile when I'm in Denmark. I'm tempted to leave it up, so I can meet the requirements of the get-six-months-free-if-you-are-still-a-single-loser-after-six-months offer. Hey, it's still better than the Quizno's if-you-don't-like-your-sandwich-we'll-give-you-another-one offer.

Here are the dates so far:

The first date was with an Armenian ballet dancer who worked as a French medical translator. She was really nice, interesting, although a little hung-up with the Turkish genocide of Armenians during World War I.
The second and third dates were with a law student who did modern dance. Good dates but not a lot of spark.
There was another date with a fellow MBA student which went fine, but there was not a ton of spark there either. There was going to be a second date but at the last moment she forgot that he had to pick up her roommate at the airport. Then she forgot to call me back. Classy.
The best date so far was with the lionologist. Yeah that's right, a lionologist. I have already nicknamed her Texas, because she has a cute little Texas accent. Really the only problem here is that for the next three months one of us seems to be out of the state at all times. I'll let you know.
Frog Lady is the last woman of note. We haven't had a date but have exchanged a series of very long e-mails. She is 27, and it looks like I am the first person to point out that she was apparently named after a family of sub-Saharan running frogs. She dropped off the radar a week ago which made me kind of sad, but she just wrote saying she was frustrated with Match and had turned off her profile but to "keep in touch."

Check Yourself

2007-06-07T18:03:00.000-05:00

Hahahaha. Oh Drew, you never cease to crack me up.

Hot Russian Babes Heart Match.com

2007-06-03T20:10:00.000-05:00

fokinovskaya
28-year-old woman
Colorado Springs, CO, US
Seeks men
Active within 24 hours

From: fokinovskaya (fokinovskay@talkmatch.com)

To: peterpeterbobeter (peterpeterbobeter@talkmatch.com)

Date received: May 24, 2007

Subject: Hi

Hello!

I have seen your profile and it became very interesting to me to read about you. I am an educated girl, with a harmonious body; my height is 5'7", My weight is 120 pounds. I ask you to write me on this email: simekaterina(at)yahoo.com. I would like to send you some of my pictures and I will be pleased to answer you if you write me back.

Faithfully, Ekaterina.

PS I would like to ask you that you wrote to me on email: simekaterina(at)yahoo.com

What to Get Mindy If Match.com Doesn't Work Out

2007-05-30T23:02:00.000-05:00

Hahahahahaha.

The Launch of The Flying Danish

2007-05-25T19:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the launch of The Flying Danish, a new blog about my upcoming adventures in Denmark. Check it out!

House Democrats Congratulate Themselves On Passing Meaningless Price Gouging Bill

2007-05-23T16:28:00.000-05:00

Washington, DC - A vaguely written bill sponsored by Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) narrowly passed through House today. Even if the bill somehow makes it through the Senate, it will almost certainly be vetoed by President Bush.

"The American people put Democrats back and power with a mandate for change," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "and we will use that mandate to pass specious pieces of legislation." Other upcoming items include a no confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and several nonbinding resolutions.

Among other clearly unenforceable clauses, the bill gives the Federal Trade Commission the ability to go after oil companies and other entities if they take an "unfair advantage" or charge "unconscionably excessive" prices, whatever the hell that means. Although not quite as ridiculous as last years Republican proposal of a $100 rebate for gasoline - which was only topped in stupidity by Democrats counter-proposal of a $500 rebate - industry experts agree that the bill is, quite frankly, retarded.

In related news, Chuck Shumer (D-NY) announced at a press conference that he will launch his 8th investigation of the oil industry.

Even More Reasons To Hate Jocks

2007-05-22T16:49:00.000-05:00

Michael Vick to Make Cameo Appearance on Animal Cops: Virginia

Just when you thought you ran out of reasons to hate jock culture, some moronic football player talks out of the ass-side of his mouth.

For those of you who haven't been following the Michael Vick dog fighting case (if you're too lazy to use Google, here's a decent article), authorities raided a property in Virginia that belongs to Vick (on a drug-related investigation involving his cousin) and found 50 or so dogs - many of whom were apparently injured and malnourished - along with dog fighting paraphernalia. It appears that all the dogs will be euthanized because they are too aggressive to be adopted. Despite the NFL's longstanding tolerance of wife-beating, misogyny, heavy drugs, general thuggery, and rampant homophobia (but God help you if you get caught with a jay!), commissioner Roger Goodell actually appears to be taking this seriously. However, I suppose fairness calls for withholding judgment until Ron Mexico*, um, I mean Michael Vick gets his proverbial day in court.

While the investigation is ongoing (the evidence does not look good for Vick though) there are no misunderstandings when it comes to what Redskin players Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels said yesterday (story here). Portis said that when if Vick was convicted of dog fighting charges he would be "put... behind bars for no reason." Later he went on to say "it's his property; it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it." Samuels, while giggling, added helpful comments such as "haven't you seen Animal Planet?"

(Sorry, this video kind of sucks)

So Steff and anyone who else in the D.C. area - find out where Clinton Portis lives and take your dog (or any dog for that matter) and have it take a crap on his lawn. And if it turns out that Michael Vick was knowingly involved in dog fighting and Falcon's owner Arthur Blank doesn't can him - then never buy anything at Lowe's again.

*Seriously, if the name Ron Mexico doesn't mean anything to you you need to check this shit out

Working Mothers Cause Childhood Obesity, Study Finds

2007-05-21T19:58:00.000-05:00

So Get Back Into the Kitchen Lady

Minneapolis - A recent study published by the USDA confirms what proponents of family values have known all along – that mothers who work outside the home are the main cause of kids being fat. The study highlighted the fact that between 1970 and 1999 the number of children classified as obese increased, as did the number of mothers of kids under six working outside the home. Although some experts cautioned that “correlation is not the same as causation,” heroes such as CNN’s Kiran Chetry know that Americans don’t need to be lectured by a bunch of nerds.

Local agitator Mindy was not impressed by the study. “The very premise of this study is wrong-headed. Why doesn’t the study talk about families where both parents work outside the home instead of blaming everything on the mother? I mean, I can see someone making the argument that with both parents working that it might be harder for parents to prepare nutritious meals for the kids but why isn’t this study talking about the fathers?”

Oh Mindy, hilarious! Seriously, you should think about starting your own blog.

My New Favorite TV Show: Old Reruns of CSI

2007-05-21T19:32:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I have recently gotten into watching old episodes of CSI. I never really watched it when it first came out, but now I find myself watching reruns on Spike TV a lot. Despite being totally unrealistic in terms of what forensic scientists actually do, the show seems quite well written and has a lot of interesting characters. Of course, it doesn’t hurt when two of those characters are played by Marg Helgenberger and Jorja Fox, for whom the acronym CSI might be more appropriate if it stood for Criminally Sexy Investigators. Obviously the writers of the show are pretty hard core forensic nerds who spend a lot of time researching the latest in obscure forensic techniques, although sometimes the show seems to drift into some rather “theoretical” territory.

There is one thing about the show I don’t really get though. Why is it that whenever they investigate a crime scene, they never turn on the lights? It’s one thing if they are investigating a partially burnt down house or they are using a black light to look for, um… evidence, but who the hell looks around a crime scene in the dark with just a flashlight? Is it a fear of harsh, overhead lighting? I mean, when you can’t find your car keys do you turn off all the lights and whip out your Maglite?

Hell Comes to Blogtown

2007-05-21T16:55:00.000-05:00

Alright, it's time to get back to blogging. Like Mindy, I have been a little wrapped up in Financial Statement Analysis. As Mindy Does Minneapolis readers know, she loved the class as documented here and here. Unlike Mindy, I tend to react to these situations by burying myself in them in schoolwork. That, combined with a case of bronchitis and bloghaustion made me decide to take a little haitus from blogging. But I'm back know, so stop complaining. Mindy.

Now thats school is done for the semester, I've mostly been taking it easy and starting to get ready for Denmark. I think the plan is to create an alterna-blog for Denmark and name it The Flying Danish.

Instead of trying to make some huge blog entry as I have a tendency to do, I think I'll spread my updates out for a couple of days. So there.

Bachelor: Rome, The Update

2007-04-03T20:02:00.000-05:00

Speaking of The Bachelor, also known as the world's worst television show that will not die, I thought y'all might want an update on how our favorite Italian prince Lorenzo and his final pick Jen are doing. Well, they broke up. Shockingly. Apparently runner-up Sadie also moved to New York for work and started dating Lorenzo. And then they broke up.

Why Bachelor: Rome, WHY?? Why can't things work out for these star-crossed lovers??

Alanis Shows Fergie How They Do It In Canada

2007-04-03T19:08:00.000-05:00

I think this video pretty much speaks for itself.

Also, is it just me or does Alanis Morissette just keep getting hotter? I have to say she's working the hoochie mama look pretty hard even while she's parodying it.

More Crazy Theories From Our Accounting Professor

2007-03-28T21:50:00.000-05:00

There was one day of record cold in the Arctic, people are not surfing in New York City, ergo, any idea that man is somehow contributing to global warming must be wrong.

My Hair Is Not A Democracy

2007-03-26T18:30:00.000-05:00

Some of you know that I have been struggling with the apparent loss of my favorite hair product. For those of you who haven't seen me sans hair gel, it's hard to appreciate the afro my hair can turn into. Anyway I normally use Dep, which is basically cheap crap but seems to work very well with my hair. Like most people I'm not into the shellacked look, but I need serious control here. I usually get the number 9, which is labeled Ultimate Hold. The Rainbow in Uptown stopped carrying it a couple months ago, and now I can't find it in Target, so I've tried a couple other brands without success. It was not out of the question that I would start ordering it off of Amazon.

Anyway, the funny part of the story came when I was shopping at the Rainbow at the Quarry, and I found some Dep there. The only one available was the Intense Hold, which was the number 11. Perhaps I was naive to think that 9 was out of a 10 point scale, but the episode made me think of the movie Spinal Tap. If you haven't seen it you should check it out:

If I Had A Million Dollars

2007-03-26T18:25:00.002-05:00

If I had a million dollars, one think I might do with it is start a kangaroo farm. Of course, what I would really do is sock most of it away for retirement and other future expenses, change careers, and travel all over the world but who the hell wants to read that?

Anyway back to the kangaroo farm. I hatched this idea while I was in Australia as an exchange student. If you've never met a kangaroo in person, they are cute and adorable, not that far from dogs although not as domesticated. I guess I'm thinking more of the smaller wallabies, since you stand a chance of getting your ass pummelled by the larger red or grey kangaroos (if you don't believe me check out the video below). Wallabies in national parks are used to people and will come right up to you, no doubt because a large number of well meaning but stupid people hand feed them all the time. Anyway I am attaching a picture of me holding a kangaroo at one of the farms we visited, and another picture of a mother wallaby and her joey that I took while camping in Tasmania.

Anyway, if you know anyone who loves kangaroos and has an abundance of cash, hook me up.

Also, please feel free to submit any notions about what you would do with a million dollars.

The Running & Match Post

2007-03-26T18:25:00.001-05:00

Today I went for spring run number two, so tonight will be somewhat of a blog-o-rama. Why you ask? Mainly because I find that running kind of clears your head and gives you time to think of interesting blog topics. Well, at least when you are not focusing on the pain, fatigue, and the fact that your stomach feels like you swallowed a brick because you ate a large, ill-advised snack at two o'clock. So anyway, I am combining my apparently mandatory Match.com update with some random observations I made while running.

* In almost five days so far, I have received a dozen winks, although three of those don't really count. One was Steff, one that looked phony, and one dude. Seriously, I can't stop men from hitting on me even on the Internet even when my profile reads "man seeking women." Seriously do I seem that gay people?

* On a side note, Steff does not appear to appreciate Borat-related humor.

* I have decided that cankles are a deal breaker for me. Due to the amazing weather, there were a lot of people wearing short socks out today so I ended up doing a lot of ankle watching. Maybe I have an ankle fetish or something, but I don't think it's just me. I thought I remembered reading something about this on Mindy's blog and I was right - read more about it here.

* Since the only listening device I have that I can use while running is my 15-year old Walkman, I am pretty limited in my music selection. My usual tape is a Led Zeppelin mix. Today I decided that Robert Plant is pretty much the only musician who can sing every song in an "orgasm voice" and still be considered a legitimate artist. It is even more amazing when you consider the fact that half of Led Zeppelin's songs have overt LOTR references in them.

* I don't know if this makes me a sappy romantic or a complete lunatic, but sometimes I like to dedicate my workouts to theoretical future girlfriends (or TFG's for short). It helps me get through the tough parts of the workout which today was pretty much the entire five miles.

* On a related note, I appear to be in the minority in the sense that I work out more and eat healthier when I am dating someone. I think there is a high correlation between how well I take care of myself and the likelihood that a woman will see me naked. That and the fact that it is hard to consume, say, an entire bag of pretzels and a couple cans of Diet Mountain Dew in front of your date without being seriously self-conscious.

* Back to Match. Maybe it's just the Match "community," but most of my responses have been pretty straight-laced. I think I should add body piercings and tattoos back to my "turn on" list. But no lip rings people!

* Seriously the women in Minneapolis appear to be turned on by everything. I swear some people must have checked the entire list. I was a little disappointed at the number of women who selected money as a turn-on, but at least they get points for honesty. As previously discussed, women in Minneapolis seemed almost unanimous in their dislike of long hair.

* I have to say that some of the winks I've gotten have come from people who appear to have very little in common with me. Although they don't appear to be crazy, it makes you wonder why they are sending me a wink.

* Speaking of winks, what is the best way to handle winks that don't interest you? Notice I did not ask what the normal way of dealing with the situation was, since I can guess the normal way is to ignore them completely. I think there is some kind of "no thank you" function but I haven't tried it yet.

* As previously reported I have now sent two e-mails, and plan on sending two more in response to a couple winks. I haven't decided what my criteria for scheduling a first date really is but I'm going to try to keep an open mind. Also, I can't fall into my normal dating psychosis, generally referred to as omigod-it's-been-twenty-four-hours-and-she-hasn't-responded-to-my-email-nobody-finds-me-attractive-I'm-going-to-die-alone syndrome. Even though that's probably true, it won't help the whole situation.

Quick Match Update

2007-03-22T17:54:00.000-05:00

Alright, the profile is finally up and running and my username has been adjusted to something besides my login ID at work. I have to do some work to trim it down a bit. I didn't realize how long it was - at least relative to most profiles - until I actually saw it in the final format. I asked a few people (i.e. Mindy) and she agreed it was a touch long.

So far I've received two winks from some hot ladies, although one was Steff so I don't know if I can count that one. Hopefully the other one is not some Match employee who winks at all the dudes who have posted profiles but not yet ponied up the cash.

My only other activity was to someone else I know some crap for being on Match.

24 Hour Update: Alright, I've been online for 24 hours now and I have four winks, not including Steff. Is that good? Or just a sign that there are a lot of desperate women out there? You be the judge. Plus, good news - my future wife reactivated her account. More on that later.

Blogger Party 2.0

2007-03-22T16:48:00.000-05:00

Here are a bunch of photos from our rockin' blogger party, courtesy of paparazzo Mindy. Otis of course steals the show. Unfortunately Mindy did not take any pictures of herself (unless you count her reflection in a window) so just try and imagine a hot blond chick with a camera.

News Roundup March 2007

2007-03-20T18:44:00.000-05:00

In case you've been living under a rock for the past month, here are some of the important stories from the month of March:

● Blogger Party 2.0 went down tonight, and as usual it was awesome. Local bloggers Mindy, Jason, Christine, Katie, and myself were in attendence, with Becky out of town. Mindy's sisters Miranda and Laura took part in the festivities as well, both of whom I think have blogs but I'm apparently not hip enough to get access. Mindy's dog Otis was also there of course, whom we're pretty sure blogs when mama is at work but so far he has managed to stay out of Google searches. More when I get pics that Mindy took with her fancy dancy camera.

● Representative Pete Stark became the highest ranking elected U.S. official to publicly acknowledge that he is an atheist. Despite the fact that many estimate non-believers to make up around 10% of the U.S. population, not one has ever been openly elected to Congress or the Senate (Stark has been officially registered as a Unitarian) despite the fact that we have elected women, Jews, Mormons, Buddhists, a Muslim, a Sikh, blacks, Asians, Arabs, Hispanics, Native Americans, disabled people, and gays, not to mention philanderers, addicts, criminals, people who think the Internet is a bunch of tubes, and of course an inordinant number of complete assholes. Repeated polls have found that over half of those surveyed would refuse to vote for a well qualified atheist, with much smaller numbers refusing to vote for a well qualified woman or homosexual.

● Khalid Sheikh Mohammed told a U.S. military tribunal that he was the mastermind behind the September 11th attacks, had personally beheaded reporter Daniel Pearl, and took responsibility for 30 other terrorist operations. KSM also compared himself to George Washington, took responsibility for the Zodiac killings, and admitted to helping fake the moon landing.

● Chiquita Banana admitted that it paid millions of dollars in protection money to Colombian rebel and paramilitary groups designated as terrorist organization by the U.S. government. Seriously, I always knew there was something wrong with that Chiquita Banana lady.

● General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told Congress that he supported the military’s current Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, calling homosexuality immoral and comparing it to adultery. Pace apparently didn’t read the report that said the majority of military personal are comfortable with gays serving openly in the armed forces. To make up for the loss of some 11,000 personnel discharged under the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, General Pace said he planned to focus recruiting efforts on criminals and the stupid. Other ongoing efforts include maintaining dilapidated veterans’ facilities, sending medically unfit soldiers back to active duty, cutting research on traumatic head injuries (the signature injury of the Iraq War), and spending billions and billions of dollars on stealth fighters that so far have done a great job prevent the al-Qaida air force from invading America.

● The Supreme Court hears the landmark case of Morse v. Frederick, also known as the “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” case. Student Joseph Frederick, in an attempt to annoy school officials and get some cheap publicity, waved a large banner with the aforementioned slogan across the street from school property during a 2002 Olympic torch relay celebration, and was consequently suspended for 10 days. Frederick’s lawyers argue free speech, while the school’s legal counsel Kenneth Starr argues that schools should be able develop any kind of mission statement it wants to and to prevent any speech that runs counter to the mission.

Dear Katie

2007-03-20T18:39:00.000-05:00

TFD forever. Ugh.

A Day at the Auto Show

2007-03-15T19:23:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know, I am thinking about buying a new car one of these days. Also, for those of you who haven't had the joy of riding in my current vehicle (a 1995 Dodge Neon) here are some of it's great features (besides of course being a Dodge Neon):

The driver's side door lock is busted from the third time someone tried to break into it.
The car stereo slot has been empty since someone stole the car stereo (from the first - and only successful - break in).
The speedometer does not work most of the time (and hence the odometer is not very accurate). The oil and service lights go on at random intervals, and once the gas gauge died.
The left rear tail light cover is busted.
There is a big dent in the right hand side of the car, from the time I got into a disagreement with a parking garage pillar (and lost). There are also a number of smaller scratches and dents.
The radiator runs hot, which also means that the air conditioning pretty much doesn't work.
The car is covered in so much dust that I think it's actually bonded to the paint job.
Every once and a while the seat belt alarm won't shut off and I have to keep turning the car on and off until it stops.

So as you can tell, this car is a real babe magnet. Of course, all this being said the car starts every time and runs pretty well, although I imagine the handling and performance has gotten worse over time.

Back to the Auto Show. I went with my friend Ken who wanted to sit in a Lexus and pretend he was going to buy it, while I had more practical things on my mind. I had a handful of cars I wanted to look at, sit in, smell, whatever you're supposed to do with new cards. The two top contenders at this point are the Mazda6 and the Honda Civic. While originally I was looking at the Mazda3, I found the Mazda6 to be more comfortable and roomier, in fact it was the most comfortable of the cars I looked at. Of course it's a touch more expensive but I'd spring a little more to be comfortable. Plus it had a solid design, and if I remember correctly it had a pretty good reliability and safety record. The Civic was my original number one choice, but I'm not so sure any more. The new Civic has a much cooler design than before, and of course has a pretty ridiculous reliability record.

The Toyota Corolla was a little disappointing. It's one of the less expensive cars and it has an absurd reliability record but let's face it it's kinda bleech. The inside design was kind of retro-crappy and cheap looking, and the body leaves something to be desired. I also spent some time with a couple Nissan models, and the idiots from Ford decided that they only needed to bring the Ford Focus hatchback because apparently people are buying hatchbacks like hotcakes.

Still, there is research to be done. I don't think I'll be buying anything until I get back from Denmark, but if anyone you know is in the market for an awesome black Dodge Neon there might be one on the market around September.

P.S. Sorry I tried to upload some car pics but Blogger is having a personal moment again.

P.P.S. Alright apparently to post pictures I have to delete my temporary internet files and cookies every time.

Game, Set, Match.com (Sorry I'm running out of word plays on "match")

2007-03-13T16:53:00.000-05:00

Alright true believers, here are the last of the "multiple choice" answers on my profile.

EXPRESS YOURSELF
This is an odd name for a section that doesn't let you free-hand anything.

Where is your home town?
Country United States
States/Provinces Minnesota (Wisconsin)
Cities Minneapolis (Madison)
I can't remember if this which "home town" this refers to.

Tell us about your brothers or sisters? Are you? The youngest
And the best-looking according to mom. Again, it's kind of odd to have a question that asks you to talk about your siblings but only let's you put down your birth order. I think I'll just leave this one blank now that I think about it.

Are you an early bird or night owl? Neither

Do you sing or play a musical instrument? --

What is your favorite color? No Answer
I don't see color, I only see people. Seriously though I don't have a favorite color. I would avoid people who's favorite color is orange - apparently that is the color of mental instability.

ABOUT MY DATE
I only want to see mutual matches who have photos: Check
There are only a couple reasons I can think of for not posting a photo, none of them are good.

How tall should she be? From 3 feet 0 inches to 8 feet 0 inches.
Despite the mockery Steff received, "from 3 feet 0 inches to 8 feet 0 inches" is actually Match-speak for "I Don't Care." Unfortunately there is no "I Don't Care" option. I think very few people would honestly date someone 8 feet tall, but it would be very difficult to determine an actual cutoff point.

What color eyes do you like to stare into? Any (Importance: Not Very)
Seriously, who cares? I can't believe so many people list specific eye colors. I mean as long as they aren't like black or something, why does it matter?

What kind of hair do you like to run your fingers through? Any (Importance: Not Very)
I'm okay with short hair. Whatever works for your face. Or was this talking about colors?

Are you looking for certain body types? Slender, Athletic and toned, A few extra pounds, About average, Curvy (Importance: Somewhat)
Sorry but I can't date someone who is significantly overweight. It's almost a guarantee there will be no attraction, and usually there is a lot of other side issues.

Certain ethnicities? Any (Importance: Not Very)
If you have ever read Freaknomics (which is frankly overrated, but it does have some good parts) there is a section on online dating and ethnicity. I'll have to post on that later. I can't say I don't have preferences, but since basically everyone on Match in Minneapolis is white, it's kind of a moot point.

What's her faith? Any (Importance: Not Very)
As long as you don't try to recruit me into your crazy-ass cult, you can worship Zoroaster for all I care.

Are you picky about her education? Any (Importance: Somewhat)
This was a tough one. I place a lot of value on smarts but there are a lot of ways to pick them up besides formal education. I'm considering upping this one to "college" pending feedback.

What languages should she speak? English (Importance: Not Very)
Not that speaking English isn't important, you know what I mean.

Looking for particular professions? Any (Importance: Not Very)
Why isn't there an option for "dominatrix?"

How much money should she make? Any (Importance: Not Very)

Do you want your dates to smoke? No Way (Importance: Absolutely)
Hell to the no.

How often do your dates drink? Any (Importance: Not Very)
Only three choices here, so it's hard to nail down.

Are you looking for someone who's previously been married or in a committed relationship? -- (Importance: Not Very)

Does your match have any children? Any (Importance: Somewhat)
Hmm, this was a tough one. I think this may also be fodder for another blog post.

Should she want kids? Any (Importance: Somewhat)
The real problem with women who constantly talk about wanting to have kids is that you will always worry that they "settled" for you just to have kids. That and they have a tendency to talk to you in a baby voice a lot.

What turns you on... and off?
Turn ons: Brainiacs, Candlelight, Dancing, Flirting, Sarcasm, Thunderstorms
Turn offs: --
Again, not a great list to choose from.

Describe yourself and your perfect match to our community (4000 characters)
Coming later.

You dating headline (140 characters)
Coming later.

P.S. I apparently have solved the picture upload problem, which apparently was related to the forced-to-log-in-every-time-I-did-anything problem.

Match.com: The Saga Continues

2007-03-12T20:30:00.000-05:00

Alright, we're back on the horse again. Before we get back to my profile, here are some observations on Match:

First off, what the hell does MindFindBind mean? I get the Find and the Bind part well enough, but Mind? I had to do some investigation here. Apparently the "Mind" part of this means "being ready for a real relationship." Hmm, shaky. I think the marketing department at Match.com needs some help. I came up with a program I call BaitDateMate, which I think might more accurately reflect what goes on on Match.

Also, what is up with all of the typos? Seriously people you need to edit your shit.

Apparently women are not into the long hair. A random sampling of ten or so profiles resulted in nine "turn offs" and zero "turn ons."

Alright, back to the matter at hand. I am skipping over the INTERESTS section for now because that involves short answers.

LIFESTYLE

How often do you exercise? Exercise 5 or more times per week
At least that's the plan. The plan does not always work out, but even in periods of laziness I walk a lot though. That and clenching my butt cheeks while I'm working at my desk.

Which best describes your daily diet? Keep it healthy
There was no option for "eat healthy most of the time but occasionally eat an entire bag of Chex Mix in one sitting."

Do you smoke? No Way
Smoking is one of the few absolute rules. No. no, no, no, no. It is gross and often implies a weakness in character.

Are you a 9-to-5er? Your own boss? What kind of job do you have? Financial Services
For some reason "gettin' money" was not an option.

Tell us more (250) --
The current plan is to leave this blank. My job is okay but nothing to get excited about. There is a reason I went back to grad school.

Current annual income? $50,001 to $75,000
What is the protocol here? A lot of people seem to leave this blank.

Do you live alone? Live alone
Alone. So alone...

Do you have any kids? None
Not that I know of, anyway.

Do you want children? Not sure

Let's talk pets
I have: --
I like but don't have: Dogs
No opinion: (Everything else)
Do I have to explain this to you people? Obviously I love dogs, especially pugs and boston terriers as you know. I don't even mind if you dress them up in outfits (and yes, someone actually wrote that).

P.S. You might not see a lot of pictures on my posts for a while, either Blogger is having problems or my newly installed Norton Protection Center does not play well with Blogger. So far I'm batting one out of three.

The Running of the Pete

2007-03-12T18:19:00.000-05:00

Today's warm weather was celebrated by the annual Running of the Pete, the first run of the year. Coincidentally, tomorrow is the celebration of Sore Quadriceps Awareness Day. The first run of the year is always a tough one, but I somehow managed to plug away the five or so miles. I'm not sure what it is about running, but no matter how much spinning or flopping around on elliptical machine you've been doing you are never really prepared for that first run. For me it's always mile two that sucks - that stretch between getting warmed up and the endorphins kicking in.

Seeing that I was running around the river, as you might have guessed there were a number of puddles, piles of snow, etc. that needed to be run around, over, and through. Although it's never really fun to run in soaking wet shoes, it did kind of remind me of my cross country days running through muddy courses.

Ask Dr. Pete: Men and Making Plans

2007-03-11T20:50:00.000-05:00

Mindy writes:

Why do men have so much trouble making plans for next weekend, yet they still somehow are able to plan their lives 5 years out?

Thanks for the question Mindy, although it's a loaded one and contrary to the obvious fact that women appear to have a much harder time making plans than men. For example: see #2 here. Also see: all women I've ever known. But we could go back and forth all night about how I'm right and you're wrong, so I'll play along with your little fantasy here.

First off planning out five years is easy because usually it's usually high-level and we know we are unlikely to be held accountable for it. How many times has someone asked you how your five year plan was going? Not too often I imagine. Even those of us who actually do have the next several years planned out neatly on an Excel spreadsheet do not get asked about it.

As for why men have so many problems planning for the weekend, through a rigorous double-blind study I have determined the following main causes of this behavior:

1. He is hoping something better will come alone. The most noxious of offenders is the guy that makes plans with you while really waiting for something better to come along. Plans made are usually vague, such as "let's get together on Saturday" so that the jackass can back out of them more easily. Said jackass is unlikely to mention the plans again, and if pressed as to why he wasn't answering his phone all day you usually get some crappy excuse like his battery died.

2. He doesn't like you but doesn't have the heart to tell you. Similar to above, he may find you terribly embarrassing to be with in public and cannot stand the fact that you blame all of your problems on everything besides yourself and don't do a damn thing to fix them. However, he knows that you are a nice person and have no other friends to speak of, and so has a hard telling you that if he never saw you again it would be too soon.

3. He is engaging in a power struggle. He is tired of you bossing him around and this is a passive aggressive way of regaining hand in the relationship. Instead of broaching the subject directly, he drags his feet believing this allows him to control the situation although the more likely result is a one-way ticket to dumpsville. You are now free to suck the life blood from your next victim.

4. He is totally overwhelmed by everyday events. Making plans means making commitments, and he finds himself terribly overwhelmed by all of this. He feels he is always under pressure and cannot possibly add anything else on his plate, even though his typical weeknight involves taking out the trash and watching several hours of Animal Planet.

5. What he really wants is another entry in his cell phone directory. We all know these people. Generally they do not want to commit to something unless they see something in it for them. They like to develop as many networking contacts as possible and enjoy counting the number of people in their address book, believing this to be some measure of self worth.

Why Didn't I Know This?

2007-03-11T01:10:00.000-06:00

Did you know that Julia Louise-Dreyfus is actually a billionaire heiress? I never would have guessed, considering all of the horrible outfits she wore during the first few seasons of Seinfeld. Just thought you might want to know, plus it's as good of an excuse as any to post this hot picture. Mmmmm.... Elaine....

Match.com: Let the Humiliation Begin

2007-03-10T23:30:00.000-06:00

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have finally been poked and prodded enough by a few of my friends that I've finally decided to give the old Match.com a whirl. Of course, step one is to create your profile. That's where you come in. While Mindy may be Executive Director of Match.com Affairs, the plan is to test-run profile stuff here on Peter Unzipped. Of course, the funnest part of Match so far is coming up with smart ass answers to all of the questions that they give you.

Match.com also provides a lot of fodder for blog posts, so I'll probably join Mindy in debating Match.com topics. The first thing I noticed is that almost everyone feels the need to explain why they are on Match. It's either "my friends convinced me to give this a try" or "I'm tired of the bar scene" or whatever. Is this really necessary people? I mean, it's kind of like saying "hey I'm actually a normal person not like all these other weirdos who have to find dates on the internet." I know this is probably a self-justification, but it kind of implies that most of the people reading your profile are in fact, those losers who have to find dates on the internet.

I haven't read too many profiles yet, but most of them are somewhere between boring and not-really-compatible. That shouldn't surprise those of us who subscribe to the Seinfeld-ian belief that "95% of the population in undatable. UNDATABLE!" I have found one good candidate though, so I better get crackin'. I also spotted a couple of people I know from work though, I'll have to send them some shit when I get up and running.

P.S. WTF is a "wink" anyway? Does that send some kind of emoticon to somebody letting you know that you're interested in them? Seems to me like you're really saying "I might like you, but I don't have the energy/imagination to start a conversation here so you go first."

Anyway.

Back to my profile. Here's what I've got so far:

THE BASICS

What is your relationship status? Never Married
I'm a little surprised that there isn't a "married" option, but I guess there are other websites for that

What are you looking for? Women
Between ages: 24 - 35

Where should we look?
living within 20 miles
zip code 554--
in United States

How tall are you? 5 feet 11 inches
...of pure manliness

What best describes your body type? Athletic and toned
The problem with this question is that unless you are "athletic and toned" you are either average or worse. There is no "in pretty good shape" option. No offense Mindy, but no straight man should describe himself as "slender."

What's your sign? Virgo
I wish I could put comments here. I would write "if you actually care what my sign is, please do not attempt to contact me." Having dated someone who was really into astrology and tarot readings, I can tell you that it will take more than a few planets falling into alignment for me to go through that again.

APPEARANCE

What best describes your eye color? Blue
It's a good thing "shifty" isn't a color.

What color is your hair? Dark blond.
...and I have lots of it. I should post some pictures of my granddad. He's almost 95 and still has a good head of hair.

Body art? None

Brag a little: what is your best feature? Butt
I don't know about this one, "butt" was sort of a default because I make a lot of jokes about how good my rear end looks. I'll have to consult some of my females friends on this one.

More will be coming later. Perhaps the trickiest part will be coming up with a username. For obvious reasons, using peterunzipped might not go over well. So far I haven't come up with anything besides smartass usernames or references to rap songs, so I may end up falling back on something dopey like peterpeterbobeter. Here are some of my attempts so far:

crazybutinthegoodway
smartass4lifebi-atch
ittakesanationofmillionstoholdmeback
what'stheworstthatcouldhappen
whatscookingoodlookin

Oh, this is too much fun already!

Signs That You Are Bored At Work

2007-03-07T09:12:00.000-06:00

Sign #34: Not only do you spend all day singing Happy Feet in your head, but you do so in a dog's voice while imagining Otis performing it on stage in a top hat and cane.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

2007-03-03T10:37:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess the "everyone's doing it" rule applies here, so I checked out MyHeritage.com. Apparently this has caught on much more than blog-tagging which took about two tags before it died.

And the winner is... Brad Pitt. Although Brad said he was surprised and flattered, I reminded him that after all he was named Sexiest Man Alive twice by People magazine. I was also pleased to see that apparently I am the only non-androgynous person around here with no opposite gender matches. Must be all that testosterone coursing through my manly, manly veins.

I'll take Dean Cain and Michael "Old School" Landon, but I was more than a bit upset to find that my archnemesis, Zamfir and his pan flute from Hell, made the list of look-alikes, as did Ray Romano who frankly is just not an attractive man. I have no idea how the hell Jacques Chirac made the list, or this John Dolmayan dude (apparently the drummer for System of a Down). I think Hal Sparks made it because we have the small smart-ass look on our face most of the time.

Talking Pug (a.k.a. Cheap Saturday Morning Post)

2007-03-03T10:21:00.000-06:00

Seriously Mindy, you need to teach Otis some tricks so you can get on the talk show circuit.

Rumors of My Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated

2007-02-25T21:20:00.000-06:00

I haven't blogged in a while, mainly because I've been busy running around quite a bit. Right now I'm wrapping up getting ready for the upcoming Financial Statement Analysis midterm with the Oscars in the background. When I have the chance, I've got some Ask Dr. Pete inquiries to respond to but for now you're stuck with an "update" post.

Projekt København is in full swing. I'm getting less wishy-washy responses from my boss, and a couple veeps I hadn't talked to about it asked me about it so clearly it was brought up in a staff meeting (and more importantly, not shot down). Of course, I might just quit and go anyway but hopefully I won't have to make that decision. Right now I have to apply for housing and courses, but I'm starting to fish around about travel spots, language, history, etc.

I'm starting to feel better about Financial Statement Analysis. The prof handed out some practice exams that were really easy, so hopefully the midterm will be very similar. Of course I made the mistake of pointing out a number of errors he made so apparently I get to explain the answers to the entire class on Wednesday.

In other news, I have officially joined the rank of spinning nerds. I bought cycling shoes last weekend along with a padded bike seat. For those of you who plan on spinning, I highly recommend buying the shoes. They aren't cheap and they sure look stupid but they make a world of difference. Of course, basically any article of clothing associated with biking is pretty much guaranteed to be ugly (I think that is mandated by some international cycling organization). The seat I'm not 100% sold on the padded seat. It doesn't hurt that the last two Fridays we had a substitute instructor named Chris, who kind of looks like Jackie Warner from Work Out, except younger and better looking.

Yeah! I'm Off to Copenhagen Bitches!

2007-02-16T07:49:00.000-06:00

Okay, it's not until this summer and I still have to get final approval from work, but I just learned that I got accepted into the Copenhagen Summer Program. Hooray! It's a six-week program that runs from late June through early August. Unlike most of the two-week programs, this one operates more like an exchange program. You take two classes at the Copenhagen Business School (CBS) and study with students from around the world. There will probably only be a couple students from Minneapolis. It isn't a complete free-for-all though, and apparently there are some organized trips. I talked to one person who went previously and took trips to Norway and Germany. Either way the Danish aren't going to know what hit 'em. Can you say "graded on a satisfactory/non-satisfactory basis?" I knew you could.

Anyway, I don't have much else to report on it at the moment. But I still have plenty to do. It appears that not only might I have to get used to riding an actual bike again, but by the looks of things it might be a good idea to practice my rowing.

Farvel!

The Amazing Laughing Baby

2007-02-15T07:58:00.000-06:00

For those of you who have somehow missed the amazing laughing baby, you really do need to check this video out. In case you're wondering I think he's Swedish.

Happy V-Day & Introduction of New Segment

2007-02-14T21:37:00.000-06:00

Well, Valentine's Day has come and nearly gone. While you suckers were out pretending to enjoy your candlelight dinners, Valentine's presents, and snuggling with your significant other, I got to enjoy learning about the recognition of liabilities on the balance sheet and income statement and how to adjust for the differences between capital and operating leases. Clearly I am the winner here, despite what little miss come-late-and-leave-early Mindy D. Minneapolis might tell you. Plus, no part of my condo collapsed while I was out, so clearly I am on a major roll here.

Anyway, I am announcing a new segment to the blog, called Ask Dr. Pete. As many of you know, part of the inspiration for this blog was to provide insights on the inner workings of men. Of course, you don't need to limit your questions for Ask Dr. Pete to all things manly. Now I must disclose that I am not actually a doctor of anything, unless you consider smartass-ology an academic discipline. As you know some commentators like to use honorifics in rather deceptive ways. Like say, Laura Schlessinger, whose advice show Dr. Laura discusses relationships and parenting, even though her PhD is in physiology. I guess that would lend a little credence to her "gay people are biological errors" theory though.

Anyway, you can send your questions to Ask Dr. Pete either by sending a question to Official Peter Unzipped e-mail, or you can send them to the e-mail I actually read on a regular basis.

Another Great Day In The Life of Pete

2007-02-13T20:56:00.000-06:00

When I was walking home feeling rather exhausted after spinning class tonight, I was thinking to myself: you know, what would be really great would be when I get home I found that one of my cabinet shelves collapsed sending a full set of heavy plates, bowls, and coffee mugs crashing onto my counter top and chipping it in the process of sending ceramic shards around my place that I will be picking out of the rug and my feet for several days. Guess what? That actually happened. Yeah!!

On the plus side it makes for an easy blog post. In the end the damage wasn't too bad. The chips in the counter top weren't huge, and apparently the pile of folded undershirts I left out blunted some of the impact. Hooray for laziness.

That's enough excitement for tonight. Off to start prepping for my Financial Statement Analysis midterm three weeks from now.

Great Places To Not Meet Women

2007-02-12T20:59:00.000-06:00

I had lunch today with my friend Kim, who I hadn't seen in a while. We had some catching up to do, including of course relationship stuff. The first topic was of course the fact that her ex-boyfriend of three years not only now works one floor away from me but also moved into my building - specifically my floor. She's now seeing a mutual friend who, while I like him too, is on the polar opposite end of the political spectrum (she's campaigned for several Democrats, he's a hard core Bushie). I gave it until the '08 elections. But back to me and my relationships, or lately my complete lack thereof. Kim is now convinced she is going to get me to sign up with Match.com (maybe another contest will be "help Peter design his Match.com profile?").

I have picked up a few nuggets of wisdom along the way, specifically great places to go if you do not want to meet women. So if your goal is to avoid relationships and the inevitable disappointment and heartbreak, here are some great places to spend your time in the Twin Cities:

1. Grad School - Business school to be specific. Not only is over two-thirds of the student body male, that proportion does nothing but go up if you take Finance or Operations classes. Apparently most of the women go into Marketing or Human Resources.* Add to this the fact that most students are married and it's not looking good. Still I suppose it's better than undergrad. Our unofficial school motto at Carleton was "Where the men are men, and so are the women."

2. Work - Let me tell you nothing attracts the hotties like a conservative financial services company. Seriously I need to get a job at Target.

3. Any Bar in Downtown Minneapolis - I find it very humorous when women tell me about all the bars they go too that are just packed with women. I asked them which ones. For some reason, they can't tell me. Shocking!

4. The Grocery Store - One day my co-worker Paul tried to convince me that the grocery store was a great place to meet women. First off the grocery store is not far from the State Fair in terms of human evolution. Second, I would have no idea how to approach someone. "Say, I see you enjoy soy milk..."

5. The Gym - Another dead zone for meeting women, although this may have something to do with working out downtown which is more of a gay zone. Besides the fact that women don't even outnumber men in yoga class, most women in my experience don't like to be approached by strangers when they are sweaty and half-dressed.

6. Salsa Night At the Quest - Okay, this is a moot point now but in perhaps the epitome of lazy journalism, the City Pages voted salsa night at the Quest the Best Place to Meet Women several years running. Obviously these jackasses had never gone there because anyone who ever had knows that the place was wall-to-wall five foot tall Mexican dudes who appear to have been practicing salsa since birth. On the plus side, you could always find your friends no matter where they were in the club.

7. My Building - Dating someone who lives in your building is always a risky, so it's a good thing that the number of attractive women in my building roughly equal the number of paraplegics.

*Not coincidentally, these are usually the most "evil" departments in most major companies

What Do Men Want For Valentine's Day?

2007-02-12T19:03:00.000-06:00

Blow jobs.

News Alert: Local Man Says Weather "Sucks His Balls"

2007-02-11T19:35:00.000-06:00

I know, I know, I've been in blog-hiding lately. I think part of it's been the weather. Normally, I'm the last person to complain about the cold, but this stretch is getting to even me. You know it's been cold when 20 degrees seems positively balmy. Plus, as Mindy pointed out I've had my nose buried in Financial Statement Analysis homework for a couple weeks. I'll probably calm down after the first exam. Maybe.

Also, I've been watching the Grammy's for ten minutes and I have another addition to my Most Overrated Babes list: every single member of the Pussycat Dolls.

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

2007-01-31T16:44:00.001-06:00

Recently, Mindy posted a list of reasons why she thinks dogs are better than men. Or I should say why some other people think dogs are better than men because all she did was lift it off the internet. She’s busy though, I know. Anyway, even Mindy knew she would “catch some slack” over it, and she was right – such provocation cannot go unanswered. Of course, I actually took the effort to create an original list.

Kissing a dog will not give you mononucleosis.
Dogs don’t sit around with each other and talk about how big so-and-so’s engagement ring is.
Dogs won’t break up with you because you are “too nice.”
It doesn’t take dogs very long to figure out who wears the pants in the relationship.
Dogs don’t constantly hold things you’ve said against you and then wonder why you don’t want to talk more.
Dogs have much higher self-esteem and you don’t need to remind them that you love them every ten minutes or so.
Dogs do not send pictures of celebrity crotch shots to your work e-mail.
Dogs can keep a secret.
Dogs are comfortable with the fact that you have other dog friends.
Dogs don’t hog the sheets.
A dog realizes that the entire world does not revolve around it.
Dogs are not bothered by your giganto porn stash.
Dogs are not impressed by “bad boys.”
If it’s your fourth night together and you are so exhausted that you’ve been having problems keeping your eyes open all during dinner and just want to lie down and snuggle and watch TV, a dog will not go into another room and cry because you don’t want to make out with it.
Dogs are not embarrassed by your dancing.
The results of dog hormones are usually quite amusing.
Dogs are comfortable being naked.
A dog will not make you sit through Legends of the Fall.
Dogs will not insist that you take their Tarot readings seriously.
Dogs do not ask stupid questions like “do I look fat in this?”
Dogs do not play hard to get.
Dogs don’t break up with you after two months by not returning your phone calls.
On average, dogs are much cuter.
A dog is happy to commit to you even if you don’t drop five grand on a diamond ring.
Dogs do not take notice of what watch you are wearing.
Dogs do not talk to you in a baby voice and make up idiotic nicknames for you, particularly those referencing nursery rhymes.
When your dog makes you feel guilty, you usually deserve it.
Dogs don’t harass you for information on previous dog relationships and then use it against you no matter what it is.
A dog will not remind you that it wanted to marry a doctor, and neither will its mother.
At least you have some idea what your dog is thinking.

Our Crazy Accounting Prof

2007-01-28T13:54:00.000-06:00

Don't mix your thangs.

- Professor, Financial Statement Analysis

Well, we've had two classes of Financial Statements Analysis and so far we have learned a lot about our professor. He seems like a pretty nice guy, but other than that all signs point to crazy. Here are some of the things we have learned so far:

- He stutters, which is fine except that he apparently compensates by shouting and talking really, really fast. He also likes to throw out random GAAP rules, and often even the accountants in class don't know what he's talking about.

- Apparently he is not into athletics very much. When he attempted to draw the Nike swoosh on the white board, he drew a large tilde instead (~).

- I'm not sure if he is upset about some aspect of the Minnesota educational system or just has something against Garrison Keiler, but he frequently mocks the notion that everyone in Minnesota is above average.

- He has boycotted the Academy Awards every since Val Kilmer was snubbed for his role as Doc Holliday in Tombstone. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences would not return our phone calls.

- John Wayne's best serious acting role was in The Searchers.

More Things People Do In an Obvious Attempt to Annoy Me

2007-01-28T12:34:00.000-06:00

Going grocery shopping this morning I was reminded of several things that really annoy me. Okay, so they don't annoy me that much but I'm falling behind on my complaining.

One of the things that bothers me are grocery baggers. First off, I generally don't like people to do things for me, especially when I am just going to stand there doing nothing. It just doesn't make much sense to me. Since the main complaint they get from customers is broken bags, the baggers also pack groceries with an eye to prevent breakage. This usually results in about eight bags for every $50 worth of groceries. That's great if are unloading your groceries from your garage, but for me, living in a high rise condo, my main objective is to have four or less bags so I only have one trip. So most times I go to Rainbow I have to shoo the baggers away. But Pete, it's not like you're paying anything extra. Which brings me to something else that annoys me, namely...

Stupid people who think that just because you aren't charged for something that it is free. For example, we have laundry machines on each floor in my building. You don't need any quarters to use them. I don't know how many times people say something dumb like "oh, it must be nice having free laundry." How do these geniuses think that the laundry machines get fixed? That our laundry machines somehow don't use water or electricity or gas? That they are powered by the Laundry Faerie? Obviously the expense of running and maintaining laundry machines goes somewhere, and in this case the money comes from association dues. In the case of grocery baggers, the expense will slowly get incorporated into the price of your groceries. So before you start yapping about how something is free, spend a little time thinking about it. Otherwise, some smartass with a blog is going to write some crap about you.

Another phenomenon that you run into at the grocery store is people who for some reason or another just seem to always get in your way. Maybe something in the water supply is slowly destroying people's peripheral vision or maybe it speaks to the general self centeredness of American society, but for some reason a lot of people appear to lack an even rudimentary sense of awareness of their surroundings. When there is a display in an aisle, what possesses someone to park their cart right next to it, completely blocking the aisle? Other common maneuvers are leaving the grocery cart smack dab in the middle of the aisle, or parking it on one side of the aisle and then standing on the other side checking out the ingredients on various cans of beans. I find myself standing five feet from these people, obviously waiting for them to get out of my way, and most of the time they seem completely oblivious to my presence. I wonder what aisle the airhorns are in... BLAAAAAT!!!

Apparently this is not some kind of Minneapolis-specific issue. Becky's brother Joe finds the walkers in Chicago to be just as annoying. I work downtown and have to deal with the skyway walkers most days of the week. Some of the annoying things you have to deal with are rare, such as people attempting to read books while they walk (and at least that provides some kind of humor). The most obnoxious thing is probably people who find it absolutely necessary to walk two or three wide. I wouldn't have guessed it, but yes it is possible for two people to take up about two-thirds of a fifteen foot wide skyway. It wouldn't be that bad if most of these people walked faster than, say, Estelle Getty in a windstorm. The skyway rules should approximate road rules: walk on the right side and slow people on the outside.

And the Winner Is.... (Drum Roll Please)

2007-01-24T22:47:00.000-06:00

Well, I've been pondering this for a few days, and after I little prodding I have come to a conclusion. The winner of the first annual Official Peter Unzipped Portmanteaux Contest is...

Stalkertunities!!

In case you were wondering, the general criteria I used were originality (i.e. if I looked it up on the Google, how few hits did I get?), heteronymity (i.e. if it sounds exactly like another word it got disqualified), understandibility, degree of difficulty, and overall coolness. Plus, bonus points for being a hottie. Stalkertunities scored high in all categories. In fact, right now I'm working on creating some stalkertunities for myself. Hello, Mindy? Yeah, you seemed to have left your accounting book at my place. I'm not sure how it got out of your bag, but it's here. Why don't you pick it up, say, Saturday night...

Honorable mentions go to:

Blognemesis (Mindy) - I don't think it's a true portmanteau, but it's hard not to like any word with the word nemesis in it.

Fablogulous (Katie) - I don't think this was an actual entry, but I accepted it anyway. Received high degree of diffculty points for inserting a word in the middle of another word, and surprisingly almost no Google hits.

Libidon't (Mindy) - Disqualified for not actually being entered, but still dunny and again surprisingly few hits on the Google.

Prumps (Katie) - I don't know if I would have any idea what a "prump" was unless we were in a shoe store, but on the other hand it sounds kind of pornographic. Plus I have something of a shoe fetish.

That's it for now, but never fear true believers, another fablogulous contest is coming soon and I promise it will be awesome. Or jawsome.

Now Why Didn't I Think Of That?

2007-01-20T23:41:00.000-06:00

You know, after decades of dictators, invasions, wars with Iran, the United States, and now each other, one could forgive Iraqis for not making a lot of advances on the social front. However, I guess as the saying goes adversity breeds ingenuity. As reported by the Washington Post, some Shiites in Iraq are reviving a practice known as mutaa, or enjoyment marriage. Basically the way it works is that in exchange for an upfront payment and covering her monthly expenses, a woman enters into a temporary marriage with a man (already married or not) and has sex with him.

Now, I know what you are thinking - that this is some kind of religiously approved prostitution. But you would be wrong. You see, the mutaa actually helps prevent war widows and divorcees from having to turn to prostitution to support themselves. Some people might say this would not be much of an issue if women had more economic opportunities and Iraqi society didn't view women who were no longer virgins as undesirable, but we here at Unzipped don't have time for such nuance. As cleric Mahdi al-Shog says, "it was designed as a humanitarian help for women." Clearly.

According to this inciteful report, a man can have an unlimited number of mutaa wives in addition to a permanent wife,* and a mutaa relationship can last for as little as a few minutes. Plus you can save on paperwork because all of this requries no paperwork, either for marraige or divorce. In case you are interesting in entering a mutaa relationship, the Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani has a lot of helpful advice on his Web site.

*A women can only have one husband at a time, either permanent or temporary.

Valentine's Season

2007-01-19T19:49:00.000-06:00

Well, it must be Valentine's season. I can tell this because on my way back to work from Target most of the stores I passed had their Valentine's merchandise on their shelves. I'm not sure how far before Valentine's Day that the hoopla normally starts, but this seems earlier than usual. It was sort of a red, white, and pink ocean full of chocolate, candles, wrapping paper, greeting cards, and other appropriately themed items. I think Target, Macy's, and Godiva were the winners of whatever prize is awarded to having the most Valentine's crap.

I've always had mixed feelings about Valentine's Day. I've always been somewhat of a romantic, although this is tempered by bearing the crushing weight of eternal disappointment so it's kind of a wash. It's fun to dote on somebody, but unfortunately it seems to have been ordained somewhere that I will always be single on Valentine's Day. If memory serves, I think I've been in a relationship on Valentine's once in the past decade, maybe twice.

Shopping for Valentine's presents is pretty easy, but somehow a lot of guys still manage to screw it up. The general secret for gift-giving is pretty simple, I call it "pay attention you dumbass." Women drop hints all the time, both intentionally or not, about what they like. Valentine's is a little hard because gifts tend to be limited to a Valentine's theme. There are some things that should be avoided. Teddy bears are almost always a bad idea,* besides being cheesy it sends the message "I just picked this up from Walgreens." Roses can be tricky. Some women really like them, but for others the message they send is "I spent zero time thinking about what to get you for Valentine's." Tread carefully. Chocolate is almost always a winner. For a number of reasons, a few pieces of fancy chocolate (e.g. Godiva) is usually better than a huge bag of Hershey's Kisses. I like to make care packages full of red and pink stuff: licorice, cherry lip balm, cinnamon gum, lotion, some red M&M's, some red wine, a candle, and an assortment of other little things. Maybe throw in a copy of D.J. Mindy's latest CD, Feeling Frisky? or mix a CD yourself. Jewelry is usually a winner, although might be a little awkward in a new relationship unless your girlfriend is a ho. Lingerie and sex toys are somewhat of a danger zone - I would enlist the help of a female friend if you're going this route. Please feel free to send any questions you have to Dr. Pete. Also, if your lucky, maybe some of the ladies around here will help you out.

Here is a gratuitous photo of two boston terriers. Awwww...

*If your girlfriend would like a teddy bear for Valentine's this means either (1) you must break off the relationship immediately or (2) you are eight years old

It's a Bloggy Blog World

2007-01-17T21:50:00.000-06:00

Well, school has started back up for Spring semester. Nothing like a little Financial Statement Analysis to get the blood pumping. There's a lot of group work in the class and my master plan to form a group full of hot chicks came together: Mindy, Becky, and Trish. Of course, they are all smart too but whatevs.

Please give a warm welcome to the newest member of our little blogging community, Katie. Make her feel at home by visiting her new blog, Stilettos and Snowstorms, and making a whole bunch of snarky comments. Of course she only has one post up so far and it's basically about how difficult it is to start up a blog but she'll get there. BTW if you search Google Images for pictures of stilettos you will get a whole bunch of crappy porn.

Anyway the Official Peter Unzipped Portmanteaux Contest is nearing the finish line. I suppose I should draw up some sort of deadline, so the cutoff for submissions will be Friday at midnight. Prizes will be handed out at some random date and as I said before they will be crappy. Well if you're a cutie you might win dinner and a movie with me, which depending on your point of view might fall anywhere along the crappy-to-awesome spectrum.

Due to the overwhelming success of the Official Peter Unzipped Portmanteaux Contest, I am working on some more contests. I've got a couple in the works, one of which is near completion but I have to work out some of the details. However, I'm sure it will elicit some great responses. Another contest I am thinking of involves people guessing how much fiber I can consume in a 24 hour period. Kind of like where you guess how many marbles are in a jar, but way cooler. The tentative title is "The Official Peter Unzipped How Much Fiber Can Peter Consume in a 24 Hour Period Contest."

My Dreams: Man Are They Stupid

2007-01-16T21:41:00.000-06:00

First of all I should note that Blogspot comments are now blocked at work, so you'll just have to wait until the evening for my scathing commentary. This shouldn't affect my blogging too much otherwise since most of it is done at home anyway. Just thought I'd tell you in case you came up with a real zinger and can't wait for a response.

Moving on. (Can you tell I've been watching The Colbert Report too much? I need to come up with my own catchphrases)

I don't know about you guys, but my dreams are just plain stupid. I don't think there is an entry for "dumbest dreams ever" in the Guinness Book of World Records but if there was I would win it. First off, I almost never remember any of my dreams. Apparently this is a good thing since I read somewhere that remembering your dreams is a sign you are not getting quality sleep.

However, when I do remember my dreams they are almost never interesting. I never dream about sex (apparently I must get that out of the way during my waking hours) or flying or being naked in front of a whole bunch of people. No, my dreams are du-umb. For some reason most of them revolve around school. Oftentimes I have a paper due or a test coming up and I am unprepared for it. These dreams tend to be very mundane and realistic, so when I wake up it isn't always clear that it was a dream. Once back in high school I had a dream where I went to sign up for a chemistry lab and all the spots were full, so I didn't sign up in real life. According to some so-called "dream interpretation" websites I visited the most common interpretation of this is that I have unresolved feelings of inadequacy. Of course that's ridiculous, I came to terms with my inadequacy a long time ago.

Other times I dream about things like selling my condo and moving to another one and worrying about whether it was a good idea, or something equally boring. I think the weirdest dream I had was one in which the Muppets were being chased by a giant tomato back-and-forth across a stage. For some reason, Muppets did not make it into any of the dream dictionaries so I'm in the dark on that one. I think the worst dream I've ever had is one in which my mom is crossing a bunch of streets and ends up getting hit by a car. I don't even want to know what that means but needless to say I called my mom the next day to tell her I loved her.

So, what kind of dreams do you have? I hope they are better than my crappy, crappy ones.

Whoops

2007-01-15T09:31:00.000-06:00

Peter's Top 3 Most Beautiful Babes (Part I)

2007-01-14T21:23:00.000-06:00

Well, the Peter Unzipped Official Portmanteaux Contest is in full swing, but there are other topics to be covered. Namely, my response to Mindy's Top 3 Most Beautiful Babes post from November. I've been mulling this over for quite some time now and have had a number of posts sitting in draft form. In order to get going I think I'm going to string this one out over a couple posts (hence the "Part I"). I think part of the problem I've been having is that I spend approximately zero minutes a day fantasizing about celebrities. I think guys in general tend to focus on more accessible women, such as coworkers, women at the gym, or the 20 gigabytes or so of pornography on our hard drives. For men, women just don't get many points for being a celebrity. Plus, when it comes to celebrities, it seems to be much easier to think of women for my "overrated" list.

Moving on. The first choice for Most Beautiful Babe was pretty easy: Salma Hayek. In my unofficial lifetime poll, she appears to be the winner of biggest-celebrity-crush among both men and women. So as to not confuse Mindy, I have attempted to copy her basic format.

Salma Hayek

Age: 40
Height: 5'2"

Why I Like Her:
1. The front.
2. The back.
3. Seriously, have you not seen Salma Hayek? Beautiful face, skin, everything. Mmmmmm...
4. Great actress: long before Charlize Theron was getting her Oscar for Monster, Salma Hayek was sportin' the unibrow in Frida.
5. She's a smartypants, and has won awards for acting, directing, and producing.
6. She's also quite the activist, and not in the stupid way that most celebrities are. Most of her work has been around domestic violence and has testified before Congress.
7. Athletic: she has had a lot of action roles in movies and once had aspirations of being an Olympic competitor (my theory: boobs got in the way).
8. Independent minded, e.g. she has doesn't feel the need to get married in order to validate her existence.

Drawbacks:
1. A couple of her recent movie choices were a little suss, especially that Quentin Tarantino one.
2. Maybe a bit short, but I can overlook that.

BTW I need to give a shout out to Blurtin Burton, whose blog was the first I've seen use Slide.com (hopefully it won't cause excessive blog loading times). Apparently, Mindy's previous techno-dominance is fading.

Other Contenders So Far:

1. Angelina Jolie - I kind of miss the crazy vial-of-blood-wearing Angelina, but Ms. Jolie is still one smoking hot piece of ass. She seems pretty smart and articulate too, although sometimes she looks like her face has somehow been airbrushed but in real life.

2. Alyssa Milano - Alyssa has come a long way Who's the Boss. Long hair, short hair, it doesn't seem to matter. Although she loses points for picking a series of poor acting roles, she more than makes up for it due to my impression that she is a very, very dirty girl.

3. Eva Mendes - I honestly don't know that much about Eva Mendes, other than I wouldn't mind having her sit on my face.

I'm sure I'll come up with others. Moving on to the most overrated, I found it much easier to compile this list. Now I wouldn't say that these women are particularly unattractive, I just don't get why anyone would go gaga over them.

Most Overrated "Babes"

Scarlett Johansson - How she keeps getting voted thing such as "Sexiest Woman Alive" I have no idea. Although I'll give her credit for not being rail thin, she doesn't have a great body, has a pretty plain face, and is (gasp) whiter than I am. Seriously if we had children they would be invisible.

Gwyneth Paltow - Sure she's "elegant" but is she hot? I submit that she is not. Next!

Uma Thurman - Too tall for my taste, and if her eyes were any farther apart she would have 360-degree vision. Sure she kicks some butt, but she was also married to Ethan Hawke so those two kind of cancel each other out. Maybe I would be more into Uma if I collected comic books (or "graphic novels" as Mindy insists on calling them) or thought Pulp Fiction was the best movie ever made.

Nicole Kidman - All apologies to Nicole's stunt/butt double Katie, but Nicole just doesn't do it for me.

Other nominees: Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, Eva Longoria

I'm sure I'll come up with more insights later. At least Mindy and I can agree on Rachel McAdams and Alyssa Milano.

Also - if you are one of the apparently millions who spend a lot of time photoshopping celebrity's heads to bad pictures of naked women, please stop. You are really creeping me out.

The Official Peter Unzipped Portmanteaux Contest

2007-01-11T11:46:00.000-06:00

Everyone around here seems to like contests and polls, so I have decided to start a new one. I had been thinking about it a while back, and have been spurred to action by the Clog Blog's recent post on wordplay. I think it started when Mindy was gushing about how much she loved the word celebutante. In case you're wondering, celebutante is a special kind of word called a portmanteau - a blending of two words to give a combined meaning.* In the case of celebutante, the word is a blend of celebrity and debutante.

A lot of people like to make up portmanteaux of their own. For example, I had to create the word fagnet** a couple years ago to describe myself - a straight man who attract homosexuals like a magnet. I'm sure I've come up with quite a few other zingers in my time.

So here are the contest rules:

1) Come up with your own portmanteaux and submit them to this post. I will try and come up with some good ones of my own, but I will disqualify myself from winning any cash or fabulous prizes.

2) Once the contest is over (basically whenever people stop submitting anything) I will review the entries and judge someone the winner.

3) The winner will receive some sort of prize to be named later, possibly one related to the winning entry, most certainly nothing very exciting. However you also win blogger bragging rights and the ability to believe you are far more cool than you actually are.

*Or mot valise ("suitcase word") if you are feeling particularly French
**For those sensitive readers who may take offense, keep in mind that half of my friends are homosexuals. Really, I'm like the Eminem for the gay community.

Another Promising Reality TV Show Goes Kerplooie

2007-01-09T13:06:00.000-06:00

Generally speaking, I am not exactly what you would call a prime reality TV contestant. I can't eat gross foods at all, so that would keep me away from Fear Factor or any other show that has ripped them off. I am the world's worst liar, and my general lack of drama has keep reality TV show producers from knocking down my door so far. My hopes for winning cash and fabulous prizes seemed hopelessly dim until...

...I saw a new reality TV show on Lifetime that appeared to be made just for me: Gay, Straight, or Taken? The premise of the show is that a woman spends time with three guys and tries to guess which is which. So I'm thinking to myself: man this is good, I don't even have to try to make women think I'm gay. There's got to be money in this somewhere...

So I check out the show's website. As perhaps I should have expected, I am left out in the cold once again. It turns out that the way the show works is that the female contestant tries to pick out the straight, single guy from the three male contestants. If she picks the guy in a relationship or the gay guy, that guy wins the fabulous prize (a dream getaway). If she picks the straight guy the two of them go on the dream getaway. In other words: the straight, single guy needs to convince her that he is straight and single - no points for tricking her into thinking he's gay. Fiddlesticks!

Once again, my ability to foil even the most accurate gaydar proves useless.

The Best State Motto Ever

2007-01-04T22:20:00.000-06:00

This Statement is 100% True

2007-01-04T12:19:00.000-06:00

Women don't look at other women's flaws, they look at their perfections.

- Kim Lyons, co-personal trainer from NBC's The Biggest Loser

Does This Mean I Am Going to Hell?

2007-01-04T11:39:00.000-06:00

A guy in a wheelchair started working on my floor about a month ago, and my first thought was "does this mean I can't use the big handicapped bathroom stall anymore?"

Thank God for Michael Chertoff

2007-01-02T23:37:00.000-06:00

First though, some good news Twin Citians! The Department of Homeland Security has given Minnesota-St. Paul the highest rating for emergency agency communication disaster readiness! Only six out of the 75 metro areas surveyed got such a rating. Is there anything quite as reassuring as one of the most inefficient government bureaucracies ever that basically ruined FEMA and took about a week to figure out that New Orleans and the Gulf Coast were under water telling you that your city is well prepared for a disaster?

Current Events in My Life

2007-01-02T20:59:00.000-06:00

Apparently I have a lot of catchup to do, with both Mindy and Clog Blog off to a running start this year. December was kind of a crappy month for me, but I'll get over it. It wasn't so much that anything particularly bad happened, it was just one of those periods where nothing was really going well. Some things went well though. I visited my parents on Thanksgiving and Christmas, which was good since I haven't seen them much in the past year. My brother crashed at my place one night on the way to Montana because his flight went through Denver during snow storm #1.

Right now I am trying to get things back on track. I was happy to learn that Christy now works out at my gym a couple days a week. I'll have to introduce her to some of the people in Bruce's aerobics class (although I'm guessing she probably already knows enough bitter homosexuals than is necessary). P.S. Christy - Bruce is teaching a spinning class on Fridays and Sundays now.
I am trying to go through all of the CDs from Jason's music party. Clearly my musical taste is very different from most of the people that Jason hangs out with, and I apparently misjudged the demographics (who knows though, maybe Jason's mom will enjoy the Old Dirty Bastard and Juvenile tracks I threw on my CD). Of course, it's nobody's fault that I don't particularly like emo or folk music. Although I did find the fact that a half dozen people put Hallelujah on theirs CDs to be a little strange.* Oh well, it's good to get outside you musical comfort zone every once in a while. My real disappointment was that with all this folk music, it appears that not a single person managed to put The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald on their CD. I mean c'mon people, this is Gordon-fucking-Lightfoot we are talking about here! Sheez. I guess I'll just have to download it from iTunes. So far my favorite CD is Christy's. I've kind of been dancing around my place listening to it while I clean up and get ready for tomorrow.

I've also been asked for some photos of my painting. It's a little hard to capture paint color with a flash camera but I think these photos aren't too off (the colors are somewhat darker than they appear). Here is the orange I painted my bathroom. It's a Dutch Boy paint called Indian Tile, which I ripped off from my friend Mindy D after I decided that Audubon Russet wasn't for me. Ladies - please also check out the hot sconce action. I'm not 100% sure about the white towels but the old dark blue ones had to go, as they gave the bathroom a kind of old school Denver Broncos look.

This is a picture of the world map I had mounted and framed. It's over my couch in the living room (or great room, as Mindy calls it). It's in a sort of antique style and I've started to stick map pins in the places I've been (see previous post). The wall color is kind of hard to see, so you'll have to trust me that it looks good. If anyone wants to help me add some map pins let me know. Right now I am trying to convince someone to go with me to Mexico (specifically the Yucatan, but I'm willing to sit on the beach for a couple days if that would seal the deal) and Thailand. Of course, that's just my "short list." My long list of places I want to go is, um... long. Japan, China, Turkey, Egypt, Russia, South Africa, England, Ireland, Sweden, Germany, Italy, Spain, Poland, well basically most of Europe, Brazil, Canada, etc. I wouldn't mind going to other places like Morocco or Libya or Iceland if someone wants to go (hint, hint for those of you with connections).

Apparently since nobody around here cares about literature, I will have to fire off some highly confrontation posts now. I think my next post will be about how I do not find pregnant women to be sexy at all. That's sure to send Mindy and her anarcha-feminist cabal into a conniption fit.

*Don't get me wrong, it's a nice song

Is There Anything That Can't Be Reduced To a Lord of the Rings Analogy?

2006-12-29T08:50:00.000-06:00

I submit there is not.

Bloggin' in December

2006-12-28T09:14:00.000-06:00

Well, it appears that December is a universally slow month for Bloggers, at least here in the States. Travel, holiday parties, shopping, and a variety of year-end deadlines conspire to keep us away from our computers (plus, in my case a whole lot of home improvement stuff). Although I still have a lot to do, the painting is almost done, holiday shopping is over, I'm done travelling for the immediate future, and no school for three weeks.

I still have to finish unpacking, and decide where all of my Christmas loot needs to go. Christmas as an adult is always a bit weird. Most of it seems to be an exercise in passing money around in a circle (except much more inefficient). I've always tried to get gifts that are more personal, or something that the other person doesn't know about - but that's not always easy. I got some running apparel from my brother and his wife and some anti-chaffing rub, a book (The Omnivore's Dilemma) and a DVD (The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and the normal assortment of strange gifts and stocking stuffers.

My big score was a new bag, something some of you know I have been looking for for quite a while. Most bags are either cheap and crappy (i.e. like the pleather bag I have been using, which I got free from work which had two zippers snap in half within a couple of months), too expensive (e.g. anything from Tumi), too small (e.g. messenger bags), or too big (e.g. duffel bags). The bag in question is a 5" Zero Halliburton Deluxe Briefcase made of ballistic nylon. As this particular reviewer stated, this bag is pretty hot if I do say so myself. I'm not sure if it will help me pick up chicks but it can't hurt.

There is also the annual ritual where my grandad sends all of his grandsons a check for $250 for Christmas. I am not sure why I find this is to be so entertaining, probably because it makes me think about all of the good times I've had with my grandparents, and maybe about all the stuff that you used to be able to do with $250 as a kid.

Anyway, another one of my projects has been to get a large, framed world map to mark out what places in the world I have been to. I have to go pick it up, but otherwise all that is left to do is to chronicle where I have actually been. To this end, I reviewed where I have been with my parents when I was home for Christmas. Here is the list I have come up with so far, not counting states I just drove through or airports I switched over in (keep in mind that the United States is only about 8" to 10" across so a lot of stuff in Minneapolis and Wisconsin is going to get lumped together):

UNITED STATES:
Wisconsin: Madison (hometown), Milwaukee, Door County, Wisconsin Dells, Appleton, and a boatload of towns through various trips with my parents, the Boy Scouts, and athletic competitions.
Minnesota: Twin Cities metro (current home), Northfield (college for 4 years), St. Cloud, Duluth, Lutsen, Brainard, Red Wing, and a number of towns for college track meets.
New York: Buffalo/Lancaster (grandparents - mom's side), Rochester, the Finger Lakes, New York City
Illinois: LaMoille (grandparents - dad's side), Chicago
Florida: The Florida Keys, Orlando, Tampa
Colorado: Boulder (brother went to school there for a decade), Denver
Iowa: Grinnell (college visit)

CANADA:
Ontario: Made a dash for the border right near Niagara Falls

INDIA:
Karnataka: Bangalore (study abroad through grad school), Mysore
Kerala: Kumarakom (Golden Waters resort)

AUSTRALIA:
South Australia: Adelaide, Kangaroo Island, Coober Pedy, some others I can't remember offhand
Northern Territory: Darwin, Kakadu National Park, Ayer's Rock
Queensland: Cairns, Great Barrier Reef
New South Wales: Sydney
Victoria: Melbourne
Tasmania: Cradle Mountain National Park, Hobart, Georgetown (I think)

NEW ZEALAND:
New Zealand: Auckland and some surrounding areas

There you have it, my travel history in a nutshell. My apologies to any cities I have left out.

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Im On Ur Laptop

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Match Update

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Another Kiva Update

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Postin' in the Boy's Room

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Catmoflage

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Kiva Update

Book Review: The Painter of Battles

Otis Loves His Lobster Costume

More Drawings, This Time Something Different

My New Thing: Kiva

More Fun With Otis

What I Really Wanted For Christmas

Update 4: Drawerings Part II

Update 3: Me and My Drawerings

Update 2: Grad School Marches On

Triumph Strikes Again

Miss South Carolina Hearts Geography

Update: Reason, Me

Facebook Stalker

"Return on Success" Garners Lowest Approval Rating Among War Slogans

What Not To Wear: Pete Edition (Part V)

The Official Peter Unzipped Worst Comment Written On Your Blog Contest

Chino Latino Settles Really Ironic Lawsuit

Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Christopher Dodd

Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Mike Gravel

Gratuitous Video Post of the Week

William Donohue Needs to Calm Down

Heartwarming Story of the Day

Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Mitt Romney

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Neón No Más

Actual Content Coming Soon

Last Post For A While

Dear 2012 London Olympic Committee

Yes Mindy, There Was A Russian Ninja Terrorizing Italy

Match Update

Check Yourself

Hot Russian Babes Heart Match.com

What to Get Mindy If Match.com Doesn't Work Out

The Launch of The Flying Danish

House Democrats Congratulate Themselves On Passing Meaningless Price Gouging Bill

Even More Reasons To Hate Jocks

Working Mothers Cause Childhood Obesity, Study Finds

My New Favorite TV Show: Old Reruns of CSI

Hell Comes to Blogtown

Bachelor: Rome, The Update

Alanis Shows Fergie How They Do It In Canada

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More Crazy Theories From Our Accounting Professor

My Hair Is Not A Democracy

If I Had A Million Dollars

The Running & Match Post

Quick Match Update

Blogger Party 2.0

News Roundup March 2007

Dear Katie

A Day at the Auto Show

Game, Set, Match.com (Sorry I'm running out of word plays on "match")

Match.com: The Saga Continues

The Running of the Pete

Ask Dr. Pete: Men and Making Plans

Why Didn't I Know This?

Match.com: Let the Humiliation Begin

Signs That You Are Bored At Work

My Celebrity Look-alikes

Talking Pug (a.k.a. Cheap Saturday Morning Post)

Rumors of My Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated

Yeah! I'm Off to Copenhagen Bitches!

The Amazing Laughing Baby

Happy V-Day & Introduction of New Segment

Another Great Day In The Life of Pete

Great Places To Not Meet Women