Washington, DC - In another setback for the President, a recent Zogby poll showed that the new slogan "Return on Success," unveiled September 13th, has only a 22% approval rating among voters. Unlike previous slogans, such as "Mission Accomplished" (88%), "Stay the Course" (72%), and the lesser known "Adapt to Win" (55%), "Return on Success" has failed to capture the hearts of Americans. While some critics said that the slogan failed to resonate because it was misleading since the troop draw down was inevitable no matter what Bush wanted and that the surge strategy has failed to meet most of its benchmarks and that the President has steadfastly refused to even define success, pundits think its failure to resonate is more elemental. "One word: lame," said one prominent Republican strategist who asked not to be identified. "This is the guy that brought us bold pronouncements such as 'Plan for Victory' and 'A New Way Forward,' and this is the best he can do? It just makes him sound like a huge pussy."
In other news, rumors are swirling around the blogosphere that Internet sensation Peter Unzipped will be launching a contest soon to help Bush select his next slogan. Peter Unzipped could not be reached for comment.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
What Not To Wear: Pete Edition (Part V)
I thought I had covered most of the fashion disasters around here, but I was wrong. Some people have still not gotten the message.
First off, memo to Roger Federer, re: the all-black look is not in. Even for you. Even the All Blacks from New Zealand barely get a pass on this one. This look was not cool even in the mid-90's when it was in vogue. I don't care if you're the best tennis player of all time this fashion statement is definately out of bounds.
Secondly, anyone wearing a big fluffy hat is hearby declared in fashion default. That means you Mystery. That means you Tommy Lee. That means you Pamela Anderson. Consider yourselves warned.
Another troubling fashion trend I have noticed in both celebrities and common folk is the short tie look. I've been looking for a photo in vain but I was watching football on ESPN this weekend and saw Emmitt Smith wearing a short dress tie that I swear ended at least four inches above his belt buckle. On purpose. Now as many of you know I have complained previously about larger people whose ties are too short because they refuse to buy extra long ties. But to do this on purpose is just unforgivable. I've also seen several people try and pull this off here in Minneapolis. If you see any of these people, please help them. And if you see Emmitt, please tell him to stop getting fashion advice from Michael Irvin and Steve Smith.
Last but not least, I was watching the news the other day and Robert Draper, author of Dead Certain - the new biography of George Bush, was having an interview with my personal hero Wolf Blitzer. Mr. Draper is a correspondent for GQ, who is from Texas and became acquinted with the Bush family while working at Texas Monthly. Anyway this file photo on the left doesn't quite do his hair justice so I attached the following video of Draper doing an interview with Bill Maher which will give you a better picture of the... amazingness of his hair. Beyond wondering how someone who works for GQ would be allowed to have 
this haircut, I knew Draper had ripped this hairstyle off from somebody. It took me a little while, but then it came to me. Robert Draper stole his hair style from Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg, Gary Oldman's character from The Fifth Element. My advice to Mr. Draper - do not bogart the hairstyle of a fictional super-villian from the future.
First off, memo to Roger Federer, re: the all-black look is not in. Even for you. Even the All Blacks from New Zealand barely get a pass on this one. This look was not cool even in the mid-90's when it was in vogue. I don't care if you're the best tennis player of all time this fashion statement is definately out of bounds.
Secondly, anyone wearing a big fluffy hat is hearby declared in fashion default. That means you Mystery. That means you Tommy Lee. That means you Pamela Anderson. Consider yourselves warned.Another troubling fashion trend I have noticed in both celebrities and common folk is the short tie look. I've been looking for a photo in vain but I was watching football on ESPN this weekend and saw Emmitt Smith wearing a short dress tie that I swear ended at least four inches above his belt buckle. On purpose. Now as many of you know I have complained previously about larger people whose ties are too short because they refuse to buy extra long ties. But to do this on purpose is just unforgivable. I've also seen several people try and pull this off here in Minneapolis. If you see any of these people, please help them. And if you see Emmitt, please tell him to stop getting fashion advice from Michael Irvin and Steve Smith.
Last but not least, I was watching the news the other day and Robert Draper, author of Dead Certain - the new biography of George Bush, was having an interview with my personal hero Wolf Blitzer. Mr. Draper is a correspondent for GQ, who is from Texas and became acquinted with the Bush family while working at Texas Monthly. Anyway this file photo on the left doesn't quite do his hair justice so I attached the following video of Draper doing an interview with Bill Maher which will give you a better picture of the... amazingness of his hair. Beyond wondering how someone who works for GQ would be allowed to have 
this haircut, I knew Draper had ripped this hairstyle off from somebody. It took me a little while, but then it came to me. Robert Draper stole his hair style from Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg, Gary Oldman's character from The Fifth Element. My advice to Mr. Draper - do not bogart the hairstyle of a fictional super-villian from the future.The Official Peter Unzipped Worst Comment Written On Your Blog Contest
There have been a lot of buzz lately about the general nastiness that seems to be taking over the blogosphere. The anonymity of the Internet seems to make a lot of people feel like that have the license to spew hate and bile all over the place. I suppose there is some upside to this - it reminds us that beyond the PC face of America there is still a lot of hate out there and we still need to deal with it. The most prominent headlines lately have involved online attacks and threat against women bloggers, ranging from offensive Internet trolls, to slander, to threats of violence and rape. Probably the best known case involves Kathy Sierra, a top one hundred blogger who shut down her blog after receiving threatening posts.
On a somewhat lighter note, many of our blogs around here have received there share of inane trolling. Mindy, for example, have received some lovely comments such as these from Captain Diaperhead-Terror-Watch-Listed-Iranians. In honor of the the people who heroically put up with these morons, I am kicking off the Official Peter Unzipped Worst Comment Written On Your Blog Contest.
The rules are pretty simple. The contest will run for about two weeks or whenever I decide to end it. Simple post a comment with the particular comment(s) and provide a link to your blog post. Once the contest is over I will declare a winner, who will receive fabulous cash and prizes* and the First Annual Don Imus Memorial Nappy Headed Hoes Award. Now, I know Mindy has a couple other zingers buried on her blog so you better get going!
*Some leftover Danish and Hungarian coins
On a somewhat lighter note, many of our blogs around here have received there share of inane trolling. Mindy, for example, have received some lovely comments such as these from Captain Diaperhead-Terror-Watch-Listed-Iranians. In honor of the the people who heroically put up with these morons, I am kicking off the Official Peter Unzipped Worst Comment Written On Your Blog Contest.The rules are pretty simple. The contest will run for about two weeks or whenever I decide to end it. Simple post a comment with the particular comment(s) and provide a link to your blog post. Once the contest is over I will declare a winner, who will receive fabulous cash and prizes* and the First Annual Don Imus Memorial Nappy Headed Hoes Award. Now, I know Mindy has a couple other zingers buried on her blog so you better get going!
*Some leftover Danish and Hungarian coins
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Chino Latino Settles Really Ironic Lawsuit
Local trendster restaurant Chino Latino recently settled a lawsuit file on the behalf of latino employees by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) alleging mistreatment. The lawsuit alleged that latino workers were subjected to racial slurs, were given shorter breaks and more discipline, and that two workers were fired for organizing a meeting that took their complaints to management. Chino Latino agreed to pay $325,000 and take several steps to prevent further discrimination.No word on how crappy they treated the Chinese employees.
Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Christopher Dodd
Chris Dodd is the one candidate for which I have no idea why he is running. When your angle appears to be the "anti-war candidate that is not Mike Gravel or Dennis Kucinich" you really just need to drop out of the race. The media basically ignore him, h
e has zero chance of winning, and he doesn't appear to be pushing any issue in particular.
Candidate: Christopher Dodd
Party: Democrat
Age: 63
Birthplace: Willimantic, Connecticut
Education: B.S. Providence; J.D. University of Louisville
Resume: Peace Corps - Dominican Republic1968; U.S. Army Reserve 1969-1975; Lawyer 1973-1980; U.S. Senator 1981-
Lazy Media Narrative: Wait, Chris Dodd is still running?
Campaign Motto: "Leadership When America Needs It Most"
Websites: http://chrisdodd.com/splashpage/, http://www.myspace.com/senatordodd
Besides his ability to rhyme his last name with works such as squad and pod (as in iPod), Chris Dodd's campaign seems to be based on being the loudest proponent of of the positions of the "Democratic base." My take on Dodd is that his positions aren't really that different from the leading Democratic contenders, except that they are aiming at a national audience while he is focused on the base so he can afford to come off as more liberal.
Other than that, Dodd's only other major accomplishment that I know of is being known as a corporate shill. In 1998, he was dubiously awarded a Golden Leash for his ties to the accounting and other industries after contributions from various companies went up five fold after Dodd passed industry-friendly reforms. Dodd is also largely credited with limiting auditor liability rules which helped lead to the Enron collapse and other accounting related fiascos.
Does anyone know anything actually interesting about Chriss Dodd? Anyone?
e has zero chance of winning, and he doesn't appear to be pushing any issue in particular.Candidate: Christopher Dodd
Party: Democrat
Age: 63
Birthplace: Willimantic, Connecticut
Education: B.S. Providence; J.D. University of Louisville
Resume: Peace Corps - Dominican Republic1968; U.S. Army Reserve 1969-1975; Lawyer 1973-1980; U.S. Senator 1981-
Lazy Media Narrative: Wait, Chris Dodd is still running?
Campaign Motto: "Leadership When America Needs It Most"
Websites: http://chrisdodd.com/splashpage/, http://www.myspace.com/senatordodd
Besides his ability to rhyme his last name with works such as squad and pod (as in iPod), Chris Dodd's campaign seems to be based on being the loudest proponent of of the positions of the "Democratic base." My take on Dodd is that his positions aren't really that different from the leading Democratic contenders, except that they are aiming at a national audience while he is focused on the base so he can afford to come off as more liberal.
Other than that, Dodd's only other major accomplishment that I know of is being known as a corporate shill. In 1998, he was dubiously awarded a Golden Leash for his ties to the accounting and other industries after contributions from various companies went up five fold after Dodd passed industry-friendly reforms. Dodd is also largely credited with limiting auditor liability rules which helped lead to the Enron collapse and other accounting related fiascos.
Does anyone know anything actually interesting about Chriss Dodd? Anyone?
Friday, September 14, 2007
Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Mike Gravel
Today's coverage is on everybody's favorite crank candidate, Mike Gravel. Gravel has been busy the last couple months out-Kuciniching Dennis Kucinich and has provided us with some of the great moments of the 2008 campaign so far. Sure, the federal government might cease to function if he actually got elected but you gotta give Mike one thing - the man has balls. Whether he is stating the obvious when the other candidates are too careful to, or proposing some nut-job idea, Mike Gravel always calls it the way he sees it.
Candidate: Mike Gravel
Party: Democrat
Age: 77
Birthplace: Springfield, Massachusetts
Education: B.S. Columbia University's School of General Studies
Resume: United States Army Intelligence Agent 1951-1954; Alaska House of Representatives 1963-1966; U.S. Senator 1968-1980; various jobs 1980-1989; founder of The Democracy Foundation 1989-
Lazy Media Narrative: Far-left curmudgeon
Website: http://www.gravel2008.us/
Mike Gravel has been around for quite some time, and before running for President in 2008 he was best known for (as a U.S. Senator) helping release the Pentagon Papers and for blocking legislation renewing the Vietnam draft by staging a one-man filibuster for five months until Nixon and key Republicans agreed to let it expire. After two terms as a Senator for Alaska, Gravel lost the 1980 Democratic primary and conceded that he had "alienated almost every constituency in Alaska." In 2006, Gravel announced that he was running for President of the United States.
Currently, Mike Gravel's biggest issue is that of direct democracy. He runs The Democracy Foundation, which promotes the National Initiative which in short is trying to create ballot initiatives and the federal and all other levels. Currently ballot initiatives are available in half the U.S. states and a number of smaller jurisdictions. Considering that most ballot initiatives I have heard of tend to be cheap Republican stunts I am not sure whether Peter Unzipped can endorse this position at this time.
Other Gravel concerns are universal health care, better education, decriminalization of drugs, ending the death penalty, reducing energy dependence, and replacing the income tax with a national progressive sales tax (see: FairTax, normally put forth by libertarian curmudgeons like Neal Boortz). He is pro-choice and often rails on the military-industrial complex. In the past he worked to stop nuclear testing off of Alaska and has worked on Inuit affairs.
The best part of Mike Gravel though is the shit that comes out of his mouth. This guy has more lines than a coke dealer. There are a ton of great YouTube clips of Gravel below but I picked out my two favorite below. The first is Mike Gravel talking about gays in the military at an LGBT festival and the second is some kind of post-modern Gravel campaign ad. In one of the recent Democratic debates, Bill Maher asked Gravel about rising obesity and failing schools and whether or not he would be willing to tell Americans that they were getting fatter and dumber. Gravel replied (clip here): "I am prepared to tell you that Americans are getting fatter and dumber. I have no problem saying that." Gravel finished by saying:
How true, Mike, how true.
Candidate: Mike GravelParty: Democrat
Age: 77
Birthplace: Springfield, Massachusetts
Education: B.S. Columbia University's School of General Studies
Resume: United States Army Intelligence Agent 1951-1954; Alaska House of Representatives 1963-1966; U.S. Senator 1968-1980; various jobs 1980-1989; founder of The Democracy Foundation 1989-
Lazy Media Narrative: Far-left curmudgeon
Website: http://www.gravel2008.us/
Mike Gravel has been around for quite some time, and before running for President in 2008 he was best known for (as a U.S. Senator) helping release the Pentagon Papers and for blocking legislation renewing the Vietnam draft by staging a one-man filibuster for five months until Nixon and key Republicans agreed to let it expire. After two terms as a Senator for Alaska, Gravel lost the 1980 Democratic primary and conceded that he had "alienated almost every constituency in Alaska." In 2006, Gravel announced that he was running for President of the United States.
Currently, Mike Gravel's biggest issue is that of direct democracy. He runs The Democracy Foundation, which promotes the National Initiative which in short is trying to create ballot initiatives and the federal and all other levels. Currently ballot initiatives are available in half the U.S. states and a number of smaller jurisdictions. Considering that most ballot initiatives I have heard of tend to be cheap Republican stunts I am not sure whether Peter Unzipped can endorse this position at this time.
Other Gravel concerns are universal health care, better education, decriminalization of drugs, ending the death penalty, reducing energy dependence, and replacing the income tax with a national progressive sales tax (see: FairTax, normally put forth by libertarian curmudgeons like Neal Boortz). He is pro-choice and often rails on the military-industrial complex. In the past he worked to stop nuclear testing off of Alaska and has worked on Inuit affairs.
The best part of Mike Gravel though is the shit that comes out of his mouth. This guy has more lines than a coke dealer. There are a ton of great YouTube clips of Gravel below but I picked out my two favorite below. The first is Mike Gravel talking about gays in the military at an LGBT festival and the second is some kind of post-modern Gravel campaign ad. In one of the recent Democratic debates, Bill Maher asked Gravel about rising obesity and failing schools and whether or not he would be willing to tell Americans that they were getting fatter and dumber. Gravel replied (clip here): "I am prepared to tell you that Americans are getting fatter and dumber. I have no problem saying that." Gravel finished by saying:
Now, can the American people stand that kind of leadership? That remains to be seen.
How true, Mike, how true.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
William Donohue Needs to Calm Down
Kathy Griffith won a Creative Arts Emmy the other day, and gave the following acceptance speech:A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. So, all I can say is, 'Suck it, Jesus.' This award is my God now.
Of course, this sent William Donohue of the Catholic League into a fit (admittedly, it is actually hard to tell when William Donohue is having a fit since he appears be unable to speak in any tone other than 'loud and angry'). Donohue demanded that E! censor the show and, like the obedient lapdogs to the dominant hegemony they are, E! complied.
First off William, have you ever seen an awards show before? My guess is the answer is no, because if you had you would have realized that the main target of her sarcasm was all the people who give sappy and/or phony shout-outs to God and/or Jesus during awards ceremonies as if them winning the Life Achievement Award for Daytime Drama was all part of the divine plan.
Plus it's hard to take this too seriously coming from a guy who said this during a discussion of Passion of the Christ: "Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in general." He has also offered up zingers such as "...I'm pretty good at picking out who the queers are..." and claims that the little problem that the Catholic Church had with child rapists was actually a homosexual issue, not a pedophile issue. Really anyone who has ever heard Donohue on TV before (why anyone besides Fox News keeps inviting him back I have no idea) knows that every time somebody does or says something he doesn't like he goes on some crappy news show and screams and calls them a bigot.
Do you want to know why some people are skeptical of the Catholic Church William? It's you.
Besides, I know from my personal relationship with Jesus that he actually loves My Life on the D-List and watches it all the time. He said he saw the award show and though that shit was hilarious.
Oh by the way William, Kathy Griffith called and said to thank you for the free publicity.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Heartwarming Story of the Day
It was a pretty boring day at work today, but I did manage to come across this story. I had seen an Animal Planet show where dogs were surrogate parents for wolves, but this 10-year old chihuahua Mimi decided to adopt four baby squirrels that some guy found after he cut down a tree. Check it out!
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Peter Unzipped 2008 Presidential Election Coverage: Mitt Romney
In order to help readers better understand the candidates running for President in 2008, I have decided to write official Peter Unzipped summaries of each of the candidates. I have decided to start with Mitt "Double Guantanamo" Romney, definitely one of the more interesting candidates.
Candidate: Mitt Romney
Party: Republican
Age: 60
Birthplace: Detroit, Michigan
Education: B.A. Brigham Young University, JD/MBA Harvard University
Resume: Boston Consulting Group 1974-1978; Vice President Bain & Company 1978-1984; co-founder of venture capital and leveraged buyout firm Bain Capital 1984-1998; CEO Bain & Company 1990-1991; President of the U.S. Olympic Winter Games 1999-2002; Governor of Massachusetts 2003-2007
Lazy Media Narrative: Can a Mormon be elected president?
Websites: MittRomney.com, The Five Brothers (his sons' blog)
Best Known For: Looking plastic; flip-flopping; being a Mormon; winning the Iowa Straw Poll; his favorite book being Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard; being the richest candidate in the Presidential race
With sinking gubernatorial approval ratings, Romney announced in late 2005 that he would not seek a second term as Massachusetts governor and decided he should run for President instead. Romney officially entered the race in February 2007. Despite concerns over his religion and his ever-changing political views, Romney had an impressive early showing and raised large amounts of money, but it turned out that his appeal was mainly that Republicans really didn't like any of the other candidates at the time. Now that this role has been taken over by Fred Thompson, Romney's campaign is sinking fast. Romney won the recent Iowa Straw Poll, although front runners Giuliani, Thompson, and fourth place John McCain all skipped the event. When asked about the absence of the other front runners, Romney stated: "If they'd thought they could be successful here, they would have been here. Their decision not to compete here was not a decision based on a position of strength." Sure Mitt, either that or maybe it was because the Iowa Straw Poll is a meaningless, non-binding contest won by the candidate who buses the most Iowans to Ames.
Like most of the other Republican front runners, Romney spends most of his time making crazy right-wing pronouncements in order to distract people from his moderate past. For example, during a May Presidential debate (clip below), Mitt responded to a question about the detention of suspected terrorists by saying "I don't want [suspected terrorists] on our soil, I want them in Guantanamo where they don't get access to lawyers... some people have said we outta close Guantanamo, my view is we outta double Guantanamo."
In August, Romney was asked why none of his sons had enlisted in the military, Romney said (clip below): "It’s remarkable how we can show our support for our nation, and one of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping to get me elected, because they think I’d be a great president," which most people interpreted as equating driving around Iowa on a campaign bus to military service.
Romney's stances on most issues is pretty typical for a Republican (pro-death penalty, against the estate tax, etc.). He is pro-life, although he has previously pledged to uphold Roe vs. Wade (he was referred to as "multiple choice" by Ted Kennedy). He has supported a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and has rescinded his support for domestic partnership benefits (I won't mention his letter to Log Cabin Republicans that stated he would be more supportive of gay rights than Ted Kennedy and that "we must make equality for gays and lesbians a mainstream concern").
Romney is pro-gun and stated that "I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." After it was revealed that he had only been hunting twice in his life, he clarified: "I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will. I began when I was 15 or so and I have hunted those kinds of varmints since then. More than two times."
Candidate: Mitt RomneyParty: Republican
Age: 60
Birthplace: Detroit, Michigan
Education: B.A. Brigham Young University, JD/MBA Harvard University
Resume: Boston Consulting Group 1974-1978; Vice President Bain & Company 1978-1984; co-founder of venture capital and leveraged buyout firm Bain Capital 1984-1998; CEO Bain & Company 1990-1991; President of the U.S. Olympic Winter Games 1999-2002; Governor of Massachusetts 2003-2007
Lazy Media Narrative: Can a Mormon be elected president?
Websites: MittRomney.com, The Five Brothers (his sons' blog)
Best Known For: Looking plastic; flip-flopping; being a Mormon; winning the Iowa Straw Poll; his favorite book being Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard; being the richest candidate in the Presidential race
With sinking gubernatorial approval ratings, Romney announced in late 2005 that he would not seek a second term as Massachusetts governor and decided he should run for President instead. Romney officially entered the race in February 2007. Despite concerns over his religion and his ever-changing political views, Romney had an impressive early showing and raised large amounts of money, but it turned out that his appeal was mainly that Republicans really didn't like any of the other candidates at the time. Now that this role has been taken over by Fred Thompson, Romney's campaign is sinking fast. Romney won the recent Iowa Straw Poll, although front runners Giuliani, Thompson, and fourth place John McCain all skipped the event. When asked about the absence of the other front runners, Romney stated: "If they'd thought they could be successful here, they would have been here. Their decision not to compete here was not a decision based on a position of strength." Sure Mitt, either that or maybe it was because the Iowa Straw Poll is a meaningless, non-binding contest won by the candidate who buses the most Iowans to Ames.
Like most of the other Republican front runners, Romney spends most of his time making crazy right-wing pronouncements in order to distract people from his moderate past. For example, during a May Presidential debate (clip below), Mitt responded to a question about the detention of suspected terrorists by saying "I don't want [suspected terrorists] on our soil, I want them in Guantanamo where they don't get access to lawyers... some people have said we outta close Guantanamo, my view is we outta double Guantanamo."
In August, Romney was asked why none of his sons had enlisted in the military, Romney said (clip below): "It’s remarkable how we can show our support for our nation, and one of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping to get me elected, because they think I’d be a great president," which most people interpreted as equating driving around Iowa on a campaign bus to military service.
Romney's stances on most issues is pretty typical for a Republican (pro-death penalty, against the estate tax, etc.). He is pro-life, although he has previously pledged to uphold Roe vs. Wade (he was referred to as "multiple choice" by Ted Kennedy). He has supported a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and has rescinded his support for domestic partnership benefits (I won't mention his letter to Log Cabin Republicans that stated he would be more supportive of gay rights than Ted Kennedy and that "we must make equality for gays and lesbians a mainstream concern").
Romney is pro-gun and stated that "I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." After it was revealed that he had only been hunting twice in his life, he clarified: "I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will. I began when I was 15 or so and I have hunted those kinds of varmints since then. More than two times."
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Gratuitous Video Post of the Week
I got this link from my friend Isabel -- normally the least Internet savvy person in the world. BTW you probably don't want to watch this at work.
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