The Peter Unzipped Women's Guide to Men Checking Women Out

Many women have expressed frustration to me (not to mention many an advice column) about their significant other checking other women out. To help clear up any confusion, I have put together the Peter Unzipped Women's Guide to Men Checking Women Out. This handy guide will help you navigate these murky waters by showing you how to identify the specific behavior in question as well as telling you how offended you should be by it.

The Glance
Description: A quick look at and then away from the target. Should not last more than a couple of seconds. Often confused with "staring at a train wreck" type behavior.
Your Response Should Be: None. The glance is largely driven by biology that cannot be overcome by any kind of conditioning.
More Information: Sorry ladies, you are not going to win this battle. Getting mad at a guy for this is like him getting mad at you for gawking at a 50% off sale for Manolo Blahniks.*

The Look
Description: Appears similar to the glance, except repeated several times. Occasionally it is simply a longer lasting glance. This behavior can be frequently observed at the gym, often involving the use of one or more mirrors to avoid detection.
Your Response Should Be: Mildly offended. In this case the perpetrator is aware of his behavior but is having a hard time controlling it.
More Information: This is something like a smoker jonesing for a cigarette, except substitute "ass" for "nicotine." Perhaps loutish, but he wins back a few points for effort.

The Stare
Description: A check-out falls into this category when it becomes prolonged. Usually concentration is only broken when the target looks in the direction of the starer, or perhaps through significant physical contact. One sure way to distinguish "the stare" from "the look" is that the offender is generally oblivious to people besides the target of said stare.
Your Response Should Be: Rather offended. Appropriate responses include eye rolling, exaggerated sighs, sternly crossed arms, and/or a strong punch to the shoulder.
More Information: This is not a good sign for your relationship.

The Ogle
Description: The grandaddy of checking women out. This involves gazing directly at a woman's dirty parts even when you know she is fully aware of your behavior. Often takes the form of staring at a woman's cleavage from point blank range. A blank stare and open mouth are also a trademark of the ogle. The ogle is often the herald to incidents such as this.
Your Response Should Be: Incredibly offended. You have my permission to kick him in the balls.
More Information: Why are you still reading this? Have you kicked him in the balls yet?

*Or in the case of Mindy, a 50% off sale at Kohl's.