More Embarrassing Stories From the Vault

Or, Why Never to Trust Your Friends Farther Than You Can Throw Them

As part of my ongoing effort to document every embarrassing moment of my life on the Internet, I have decided to treat y'all to another episode of Embarrassing Stories From the Vault. This one involves my friend Isabel, whom I doubt any of you have met because she's been in Arizona for a couple months and is afraid of the Internet (with all the tubes and such).

Anyway, several years ago the club we belong to was offering some free ballet classes, and Isabel wanted to go. However, she didn't want to go by herself. So she started lobbying me to go with her for at least what felt like several weeks. Although at least by Minnesota standards I am a pretty good dancer, ballet is not really my thing as you can imagine. After much badgering I relented and told her that I would go with her.

Well, the day came around and we showed up and surprisingly it was me and about a dozen women. Actually, about half way through another guy came in. Sure he might have just gotten out of the auditions for the Gayest Man Ever Show, but I was still thankful for the extra testosterone. I don't remember exactly what we did most of the class, probably some stretching and basic ballet moves. I do recall some spinning move which due to my motion sickness did not go over very well (although the focus-on-a-spot-and-then-whip-your-head-around thing works at least pretty well).

At some point the instructor put an exercise ball in the middle of the room and had everyone line up and took turns leaping over the ball using a move I believe is called a jeté (both legs are straight, one forward and one back). Me, being much more of a runner than a dancer, had problems keeping my back leg straight and kept kicking it forward in a hurdle motion. Perhaps you had to be there to appreciate it, but needless to say Isabel thought this was absolutely hiiiii-larious and proceeded to recreate the story to absolutely every person we met for about two months, including pretty much all our mutual friends, women I was hitting on at the bar, strangers on the street, etc. and probably took an ad out in the newspaper to boot.

I think the moral of this story is to never trust your friends, especially when they ask you to do things that you really should have known would result in ongoing shame and ridicule.

More Crazy Theories From Our Accounting Professor

There was one day of record cold in the Arctic, people are not surfing in New York City, ergo, any idea that man is somehow contributing to global warming must be wrong.

My Hair Is Not A Democracy

Some of you know that I have been struggling with the apparent loss of my favorite hair product. For those of you who haven't seen me sans hair gel, it's hard to appreciate the afro my hair can turn into. Anyway I normally use Dep, which is basically cheap crap but seems to work very well with my hair. Like most people I'm not into the shellacked look, but I need serious control here. I usually get the number 9, which is labeled Ultimate Hold. The Rainbow in Uptown stopped carrying it a couple months ago, and now I can't find it in Target, so I've tried a couple other brands without success. It was not out of the question that I would start ordering it off of Amazon.

Anyway, the funny part of the story came when I was shopping at the Rainbow at the Quarry, and I found some Dep there. The only one available was the Intense Hold, which was the number 11. Perhaps I was naive to think that 9 was out of a 10 point scale, but the episode made me think of the movie Spinal Tap. If you haven't seen it you should check it out:

If I Had A Million Dollars

If I had a million dollars, one think I might do with it is start a kangaroo farm. Of course, what I would really do is sock most of it away for retirement and other future expenses, change careers, and travel all over the world but who the hell wants to read that?

Anyway back to the kangaroo farm. I hatched this idea while I was in Australia as an exchange student. If you've never met a kangaroo in person, they are cute and adorable, not that far from dogs although not as domesticated. I guess I'm thinking more of the smaller wallabies, since you stand a chance of getting your ass pummelled by the larger red or grey kangaroos (if you don't believe me check out the video below). Wallabies in national parks are used to people and will come right up to you, no doubt because a large number of well meaning but stupid people hand feed them all the time. Anyway I am attaching a picture of me holding a kangaroo at one of the farms we visited, and another picture of a mother wallaby and her joey that I took while camping in Tasmania.

Anyway, if you know anyone who loves kangaroos and has an abundance of cash, hook me up.

Also, please feel free to submit any notions about what you would do with a million dollars.

The Running & Match Post

Today I went for spring run number two, so tonight will be somewhat of a blog-o-rama. Why you ask? Mainly because I find that running kind of clears your head and gives you time to think of interesting blog topics. Well, at least when you are not focusing on the pain, fatigue, and the fact that your stomach feels like you swallowed a brick because you ate a large, ill-advised snack at two o'clock. So anyway, I am combining my apparently mandatory Match.com update with some random observations I made while running.

* In almost five days so far, I have received a dozen winks, although three of those don't really count. One was Steff, one that looked phony, and one dude. Seriously, I can't stop men from hitting on me even on the Internet even when my profile reads "man seeking women." Seriously do I seem that gay people?

* On a side note, Steff does not appear to appreciate Borat-related humor.

* I have decided that cankles are a deal breaker for me. Due to the amazing weather, there were a lot of people wearing short socks out today so I ended up doing a lot of ankle watching. Maybe I have an ankle fetish or something, but I don't think it's just me. I thought I remembered reading something about this on Mindy's blog and I was right - read more about it here.

* Since the only listening device I have that I can use while running is my 15-year old Walkman, I am pretty limited in my music selection. My usual tape is a Led Zeppelin mix. Today I decided that Robert Plant is pretty much the only musician who can sing every song in an "orgasm voice" and still be considered a legitimate artist. It is even more amazing when you consider the fact that half of Led Zeppelin's songs have overt LOTR references in them.

* I don't know if this makes me a sappy romantic or a complete lunatic, but sometimes I like to dedicate my workouts to theoretical future girlfriends (or TFG's for short). It helps me get through the tough parts of the workout which today was pretty much the entire five miles.

* On a related note, I appear to be in the minority in the sense that I work out more and eat healthier when I am dating someone. I think there is a high correlation between how well I take care of myself and the likelihood that a woman will see me naked. That and the fact that it is hard to consume, say, an entire bag of pretzels and a couple cans of Diet Mountain Dew in front of your date without being seriously self-conscious.

* Back to Match. Maybe it's just the Match "community," but most of my responses have been pretty straight-laced. I think I should add body piercings and tattoos back to my "turn on" list. But no lip rings people!

* Seriously the women in Minneapolis appear to be turned on by everything. I swear some people must have checked the entire list. I was a little disappointed at the number of women who selected money as a turn-on, but at least they get points for honesty. As previously discussed, women in Minneapolis seemed almost unanimous in their dislike of long hair.

* I have to say that some of the winks I've gotten have come from people who appear to have very little in common with me. Although they don't appear to be crazy, it makes you wonder why they are sending me a wink.

* Speaking of winks, what is the best way to handle winks that don't interest you? Notice I did not ask what the normal way of dealing with the situation was, since I can guess the normal way is to ignore them completely. I think there is some kind of "no thank you" function but I haven't tried it yet.

* As previously reported I have now sent two e-mails, and plan on sending two more in response to a couple winks. I haven't decided what my criteria for scheduling a first date really is but I'm going to try to keep an open mind. Also, I can't fall into my normal dating psychosis, generally referred to as omigod-it's-been-twenty-four-hours-and-she-hasn't-responded-to-my-email-nobody-finds-me-attractive-I'm-going-to-die-alone syndrome. Even though that's probably true, it won't help the whole situation.

Quick Match Update

Alright, the profile is finally up and running and my username has been adjusted to something besides my login ID at work. I have to do some work to trim it down a bit. I didn't realize how long it was - at least relative to most profiles - until I actually saw it in the final format. I asked a few people (i.e. Mindy) and she agreed it was a touch long.

So far I've received two winks from some hot ladies, although one was Steff so I don't know if I can count that one. Hopefully the other one is not some Match employee who winks at all the dudes who have posted profiles but not yet ponied up the cash.

My only other activity was to someone else I know some crap for being on Match.

24 Hour Update: Alright, I've been online for 24 hours now and I have four winks, not including Steff. Is that good? Or just a sign that there are a lot of desperate women out there? You be the judge. Plus, good news - my future wife reactivated her account. More on that later.

Blogger Party 2.0

Here are a bunch of photos from our rockin' blogger party, courtesy of paparazzo Mindy. Otis of course steals the show. Unfortunately Mindy did not take any pictures of herself (unless you count her reflection in a window) so just try and imagine a hot blond chick with a camera.

News Roundup March 2007

In case you've been living under a rock for the past month, here are some of the important stories from the month of March:

● Blogger Party 2.0 went down tonight, and as usual it was awesome. Local bloggers Mindy, Jason, Christine, Katie, and myself were in attendence, with Becky out of town. Mindy's sisters Miranda and Laura took part in the festivities as well, both of whom I think have blogs but I'm apparently not hip enough to get access. Mindy's dog Otis was also there of course, whom we're pretty sure blogs when mama is at work but so far he has managed to stay out of Google searches. More when I get pics that Mindy took with her fancy dancy camera.

● Representative Pete Stark became the highest ranking elected U.S. official to publicly acknowledge that he is an atheist. Despite the fact that many estimate non-believers to make up around 10% of the U.S. population, not one has ever been openly elected to Congress or the Senate (Stark has been officially registered as a Unitarian) despite the fact that we have elected women, Jews, Mormons, Buddhists, a Muslim, a Sikh, blacks, Asians, Arabs, Hispanics, Native Americans, disabled people, and gays, not to mention philanderers, addicts, criminals, people who think the Internet is a bunch of tubes, and of course an inordinant number of complete assholes. Repeated polls have found that over half of those surveyed would refuse to vote for a well qualified atheist, with much smaller numbers refusing to vote for a well qualified woman or homosexual.

● Khalid Sheikh Mohammed told a U.S. military tribunal that he was the mastermind behind the September 11th attacks, had personally beheaded reporter Daniel Pearl, and took responsibility for 30 other terrorist operations. KSM also compared himself to George Washington, took responsibility for the Zodiac killings, and admitted to helping fake the moon landing.

● Chiquita Banana admitted that it paid millions of dollars in protection money to Colombian rebel and paramilitary groups designated as terrorist organization by the U.S. government. Seriously, I always knew there was something wrong with that Chiquita Banana lady.

● General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told Congress that he supported the military’s current Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, calling homosexuality immoral and comparing it to adultery. Pace apparently didn’t read the report that said the majority of military personal are comfortable with gays serving openly in the armed forces. To make up for the loss of some 11,000 personnel discharged under the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, General Pace said he planned to focus recruiting efforts on criminals and the stupid. Other ongoing efforts include maintaining dilapidated veterans’ facilities, sending medically unfit soldiers back to active duty, cutting research on traumatic head injuries (the signature injury of the Iraq War), and spending billions and billions of dollars on stealth fighters that so far have done a great job prevent the al-Qaida air force from invading America.

● The Supreme Court hears the landmark case of Morse v. Frederick, also known as the “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” case. Student Joseph Frederick, in an attempt to annoy school officials and get some cheap publicity, waved a large banner with the aforementioned slogan across the street from school property during a 2002 Olympic torch relay celebration, and was consequently suspended for 10 days. Frederick’s lawyers argue free speech, while the school’s legal counsel Kenneth Starr argues that schools should be able develop any kind of mission statement it wants to and to prevent any speech that runs counter to the mission.

Dear Katie

TFD forever. Ugh.

A Day at the Auto Show

For those of you who don't know, I am thinking about buying a new car one of these days. Also, for those of you who haven't had the joy of riding in my current vehicle (a 1995 Dodge Neon) here are some of it's great features (besides of course being a Dodge Neon):

• The driver's side door lock is busted from the third time someone tried to break into it.
• The car stereo slot has been empty since someone stole the car stereo (from the first - and only successful - break in).
• The speedometer does not work most of the time (and hence the odometer is not very accurate). The oil and service lights go on at random intervals, and once the gas gauge died.
• The left rear tail light cover is busted.
• There is a big dent in the right hand side of the car, from the time I got into a disagreement with a parking garage pillar (and lost). There are also a number of smaller scratches and dents.
• The radiator runs hot, which also means that the air conditioning pretty much doesn't work.
• The car is covered in so much dust that I think it's actually bonded to the paint job.
• Every once and a while the seat belt alarm won't shut off and I have to keep turning the car on and off until it stops.

So as you can tell, this car is a real babe magnet. Of course, all this being said the car starts every time and runs pretty well, although I imagine the handling and performance has gotten worse over time.

Back to the Auto Show. I went with my friend Ken who wanted to sit in a Lexus and pretend he was going to buy it, while I had more practical things on my mind. I had a handful of cars I wanted to look at, sit in, smell, whatever you're supposed to do with new cards. The two top contenders at this point are the Mazda6 and the Honda Civic. While originally I was looking at the Mazda3, I found the Mazda6 to be more comfortable and roomier, in fact it was the most comfortable of the cars I looked at. Of course it's a touch more expensive but I'd spring a little more to be comfortable. Plus it had a solid design, and if I remember correctly it had a pretty good reliability and safety record. The Civic was my original number one choice, but I'm not so sure any more. The new Civic has a much cooler design than before, and of course has a pretty ridiculous reliability record.

The Toyota Corolla was a little disappointing. It's one of the less expensive cars and it has an absurd reliability record but let's face it it's kinda bleech. The inside design was kind of retro-crappy and cheap looking, and the body leaves something to be desired. I also spent some time with a couple Nissan models, and the idiots from Ford decided that they only needed to bring the Ford Focus hatchback because apparently people are buying hatchbacks like hotcakes.

Still, there is research to be done. I don't think I'll be buying anything until I get back from Denmark, but if anyone you know is in the market for an awesome black Dodge Neon there might be one on the market around September.

P.S. Sorry I tried to upload some car pics but Blogger is having a personal moment again.

P.P.S. Alright apparently to post pictures I have to delete my temporary internet files and cookies every time.

Game, Set, Match.com (Sorry I'm running out of word plays on "match")

Alright true believers, here are the last of the "multiple choice" answers on my profile.

EXPRESS YOURSELF
This is an odd name for a section that doesn't let you free-hand anything.

Where is your home town?
Country United States
States/Provinces Minnesota (Wisconsin)
Cities Minneapolis (Madison)
I can't remember if this which "home town" this refers to.

Tell us about your brothers or sisters? Are you? The youngest
And the best-looking according to mom. Again, it's kind of odd to have a question that asks you to talk about your siblings but only let's you put down your birth order. I think I'll just leave this one blank now that I think about it.

Are you an early bird or night owl? Neither

Do you sing or play a musical instrument? --

What is your favorite color? No Answer
I don't see color, I only see people. Seriously though I don't have a favorite color. I would avoid people who's favorite color is orange - apparently that is the color of mental instability.

ABOUT MY DATE
I only want to see mutual matches who have photos: Check
There are only a couple reasons I can think of for not posting a photo, none of them are good.

How tall should she be? From 3 feet 0 inches to 8 feet 0 inches.
Despite the mockery Steff received, "from 3 feet 0 inches to 8 feet 0 inches" is actually Match-speak for "I Don't Care." Unfortunately there is no "I Don't Care" option. I think very few people would honestly date someone 8 feet tall, but it would be very difficult to determine an actual cutoff point.

What color eyes do you like to stare into? Any (Importance: Not Very)
Seriously, who cares? I can't believe so many people list specific eye colors. I mean as long as they aren't like black or something, why does it matter?

What kind of hair do you like to run your fingers through? Any (Importance: Not Very)
I'm okay with short hair. Whatever works for your face. Or was this talking about colors?

Are you looking for certain body types? Slender, Athletic and toned, A few extra pounds, About average, Curvy (Importance: Somewhat)
Sorry but I can't date someone who is significantly overweight. It's almost a guarantee there will be no attraction, and usually there is a lot of other side issues.

Certain ethnicities? Any (Importance: Not Very)
If you have ever read Freaknomics (which is frankly overrated, but it does have some good parts) there is a section on online dating and ethnicity. I'll have to post on that later. I can't say I don't have preferences, but since basically everyone on Match in Minneapolis is white, it's kind of a moot point.

What's her faith? Any (Importance: Not Very)
As long as you don't try to recruit me into your crazy-ass cult, you can worship Zoroaster for all I care.

Are you picky about her education? Any (Importance: Somewhat)
This was a tough one. I place a lot of value on smarts but there are a lot of ways to pick them up besides formal education. I'm considering upping this one to "college" pending feedback.

What languages should she speak? English (Importance: Not Very)
Not that speaking English isn't important, you know what I mean.

Looking for particular professions? Any (Importance: Not Very)
Why isn't there an option for "dominatrix?"

How much money should she make? Any (Importance: Not Very)

Do you want your dates to smoke? No Way (Importance: Absolutely)
Hell to the no.

How often do your dates drink? Any (Importance: Not Very)
Only three choices here, so it's hard to nail down.

Are you looking for someone who's previously been married or in a committed relationship? -- (Importance: Not Very)

Does your match have any children? Any (Importance: Somewhat)
Hmm, this was a tough one. I think this may also be fodder for another blog post.

Should she want kids? Any (Importance: Somewhat)
The real problem with women who constantly talk about wanting to have kids is that you will always worry that they "settled" for you just to have kids. That and they have a tendency to talk to you in a baby voice a lot.

What turns you on... and off?
Turn ons: Brainiacs, Candlelight, Dancing, Flirting, Sarcasm, Thunderstorms
Turn offs: --
Again, not a great list to choose from.

Describe yourself and your perfect match to our community (4000 characters)
Coming later.

You dating headline (140 characters)
Coming later.

P.S. I apparently have solved the picture upload problem, which apparently was related to the forced-to-log-in-every-time-I-did-anything problem.

Match.com: The Saga Continues

Alright, we're back on the horse again. Before we get back to my profile, here are some observations on Match:

First off, what the hell does MindFindBind mean? I get the Find and the Bind part well enough, but Mind? I had to do some investigation here. Apparently the "Mind" part of this means "being ready for a real relationship." Hmm, shaky. I think the marketing department at Match.com needs some help. I came up with a program I call BaitDateMate, which I think might more accurately reflect what goes on on Match.

Also, what is up with all of the typos? Seriously people you need to edit your shit.

Apparently women are not into the long hair. A random sampling of ten or so profiles resulted in nine "turn offs" and zero "turn ons."

Alright, back to the matter at hand. I am skipping over the INTERESTS section for now because that involves short answers.

LIFESTYLE

How often do you exercise? Exercise 5 or more times per week
At least that's the plan. The plan does not always work out, but even in periods of laziness I walk a lot though. That and clenching my butt cheeks while I'm working at my desk.

Which best describes your daily diet? Keep it healthy
There was no option for "eat healthy most of the time but occasionally eat an entire bag of Chex Mix in one sitting."

Do you smoke? No Way
Smoking is one of the few absolute rules. No. no, no, no, no. It is gross and often implies a weakness in character.

Are you a 9-to-5er? Your own boss? What kind of job do you have? Financial Services
For some reason "gettin' money" was not an option.

Tell us more (250) --
The current plan is to leave this blank. My job is okay but nothing to get excited about. There is a reason I went back to grad school.

Current annual income? $50,001 to $75,000
What is the protocol here? A lot of people seem to leave this blank.

Do you live alone? Live alone
Alone. So alone...

Do you have any kids? None
Not that I know of, anyway.

Do you want children? Not sure

Let's talk pets
I have: --
I like but don't have: Dogs
No opinion: (Everything else)
Do I have to explain this to you people? Obviously I love dogs, especially pugs and boston terriers as you know. I don't even mind if you dress them up in outfits (and yes, someone actually wrote that).

P.S. You might not see a lot of pictures on my posts for a while, either Blogger is having problems or my newly installed Norton Protection Center does not play well with Blogger. So far I'm batting one out of three.

The Running of the Pete

Today's warm weather was celebrated by the annual Running of the Pete, the first run of the year. Coincidentally, tomorrow is the celebration of Sore Quadriceps Awareness Day. The first run of the year is always a tough one, but I somehow managed to plug away the five or so miles. I'm not sure what it is about running, but no matter how much spinning or flopping around on elliptical machine you've been doing you are never really prepared for that first run. For me it's always mile two that sucks - that stretch between getting warmed up and the endorphins kicking in.

Seeing that I was running around the river, as you might have guessed there were a number of puddles, piles of snow, etc. that needed to be run around, over, and through. Although it's never really fun to run in soaking wet shoes, it did kind of remind me of my cross country days running through muddy courses.

Ask Dr. Pete: Men and Making Plans

Mindy writes:

Why do men have so much trouble making plans for next weekend, yet they still somehow are able to plan their lives 5 years out?

Thanks for the question Mindy, although it's a loaded one and contrary to the obvious fact that women appear to have a much harder time making plans than men. For example: see #2 here. Also see: all women I've ever known. But we could go back and forth all night about how I'm right and you're wrong, so I'll play along with your little fantasy here.

First off planning out five years is easy because usually it's usually high-level and we know we are unlikely to be held accountable for it. How many times has someone asked you how your five year plan was going? Not too often I imagine. Even those of us who actually do have the next several years planned out neatly on an Excel spreadsheet do not get asked about it.

As for why men have so many problems planning for the weekend, through a rigorous double-blind study I have determined the following main causes of this behavior:

1. He is hoping something better will come alone. The most noxious of offenders is the guy that makes plans with you while really waiting for something better to come along. Plans made are usually vague, such as "let's get together on Saturday" so that the jackass can back out of them more easily. Said jackass is unlikely to mention the plans again, and if pressed as to why he wasn't answering his phone all day you usually get some crappy excuse like his battery died.

2. He doesn't like you but doesn't have the heart to tell you. Similar to above, he may find you terribly embarrassing to be with in public and cannot stand the fact that you blame all of your problems on everything besides yourself and don't do a damn thing to fix them. However, he knows that you are a nice person and have no other friends to speak of, and so has a hard telling you that if he never saw you again it would be too soon.

3. He is engaging in a power struggle. He is tired of you bossing him around and this is a passive aggressive way of regaining hand in the relationship. Instead of broaching the subject directly, he drags his feet believing this allows him to control the situation although the more likely result is a one-way ticket to dumpsville. You are now free to suck the life blood from your next victim.

4. He is totally overwhelmed by everyday events. Making plans means making commitments, and he finds himself terribly overwhelmed by all of this. He feels he is always under pressure and cannot possibly add anything else on his plate, even though his typical weeknight involves taking out the trash and watching several hours of Animal Planet.

5. What he really wants is another entry in his cell phone directory. We all know these people. Generally they do not want to commit to something unless they see something in it for them. They like to develop as many networking contacts as possible and enjoy counting the number of people in their address book, believing this to be some measure of self worth.

Why Didn't I Know This?

Did you know that Julia Louise-Dreyfus is actually a billionaire heiress? I never would have guessed, considering all of the horrible outfits she wore during the first few seasons of Seinfeld. Just thought you might want to know, plus it's as good of an excuse as any to post this hot picture. Mmmmm.... Elaine....

Match.com: Let the Humiliation Begin

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have finally been poked and prodded enough by a few of my friends that I've finally decided to give the old Match.com a whirl. Of course, step one is to create your profile. That's where you come in. While Mindy may be Executive Director of Match.com Affairs, the plan is to test-run profile stuff here on Peter Unzipped. Of course, the funnest part of Match so far is coming up with smart ass answers to all of the questions that they give you.

Match.com also provides a lot of fodder for blog posts, so I'll probably join Mindy in debating Match.com topics. The first thing I noticed is that almost everyone feels the need to explain why they are on Match. It's either "my friends convinced me to give this a try" or "I'm tired of the bar scene" or whatever. Is this really necessary people? I mean, it's kind of like saying "hey I'm actually a normal person not like all these other weirdos who have to find dates on the internet." I know this is probably a self-justification, but it kind of implies that most of the people reading your profile are in fact, those losers who have to find dates on the internet.

I haven't read too many profiles yet, but most of them are somewhere between boring and not-really-compatible. That shouldn't surprise those of us who subscribe to the Seinfeld-ian belief that "95% of the population in undatable. UNDATABLE!" I have found one good candidate though, so I better get crackin'. I also spotted a couple of people I know from work though, I'll have to send them some shit when I get up and running.

P.S. WTF is a "wink" anyway? Does that send some kind of emoticon to somebody letting you know that you're interested in them? Seems to me like you're really saying "I might like you, but I don't have the energy/imagination to start a conversation here so you go first."

Anyway.

Back to my profile. Here's what I've got so far:

THE BASICS

What is your relationship status? Never Married
I'm a little surprised that there isn't a "married" option, but I guess there are other websites for that

What are you looking for? Women
Between ages: 24 - 35

Where should we look?
living within 20 miles
zip code 554--
in United States

How tall are you? 5 feet 11 inches
...of pure manliness

What best describes your body type? Athletic and toned
The problem with this question is that unless you are "athletic and toned" you are either average or worse. There is no "in pretty good shape" option. No offense Mindy, but no straight man should describe himself as "slender."

What's your sign? Virgo
I wish I could put comments here. I would write "if you actually care what my sign is, please do not attempt to contact me." Having dated someone who was really into astrology and tarot readings, I can tell you that it will take more than a few planets falling into alignment for me to go through that again.

APPEARANCE

What best describes your eye color? Blue
It's a good thing "shifty" isn't a color.

What color is your hair? Dark blond.
...and I have lots of it. I should post some pictures of my granddad. He's almost 95 and still has a good head of hair.

Body art? None

Brag a little: what is your best feature? Butt
I don't know about this one, "butt" was sort of a default because I make a lot of jokes about how good my rear end looks. I'll have to consult some of my females friends on this one.

More will be coming later. Perhaps the trickiest part will be coming up with a username. For obvious reasons, using peterunzipped might not go over well. So far I haven't come up with anything besides smartass usernames or references to rap songs, so I may end up falling back on something dopey like peterpeterbobeter. Here are some of my attempts so far:

crazybutinthegoodway
smartass4lifebi-atch
ittakesanationofmillionstoholdmeback
what'stheworstthatcouldhappen
whatscookingoodlookin

Oh, this is too much fun already!

Signs That You Are Bored At Work

Sign #34: Not only do you spend all day singing Happy Feet in your head, but you do so in a dog's voice while imagining Otis performing it on stage in a top hat and cane.

My Celebrity Look-alikes

Well, I guess the "everyone's doing it" rule applies here, so I checked out MyHeritage.com. Apparently this has caught on much more than blog-tagging which took about two tags before it died.

And the winner is... Brad Pitt. Although Brad said he was surprised and flattered, I reminded him that after all he was named Sexiest Man Alive twice by People magazine. I was also pleased to see that apparently I am the only non-androgynous person around here with no opposite gender matches. Must be all that testosterone coursing through my manly, manly veins.

I'll take Dean Cain and Michael "Old School" Landon, but I was more than a bit upset to find that my archnemesis, Zamfir and his pan flute from Hell, made the list of look-alikes, as did Ray Romano who frankly is just not an attractive man. I have no idea how the hell Jacques Chirac made the list, or this John Dolmayan dude (apparently the drummer for System of a Down). I think Hal Sparks made it because we have the small smart-ass look on our face most of the time.

Talking Pug (a.k.a. Cheap Saturday Morning Post)

Seriously Mindy, you need to teach Otis some tricks so you can get on the talk show circuit.