Halloween Costumes Have Really Gone to Hell

I pulled this gem from Sports Illustrated. Can someone please tell me what the hell this is supposed to be? My best guess is some sort of thowback/hipster dog who was wearing Chuck Taylors and got killed by a bow-and-arrow and is now a ghost.

The Bachelor: Rome (Episode 5: Let the Type-casting Continue)

This episode involved Lorenzo flying around the States (and then to Venice) to meet the families of the final four girls. The apparent themes from this week's Bachelor: Rome are 1) how to type-cast people on a reality series and 2) what not to do when you bring your date home to meet your parents.

Here are the nuggets of wisdom I have managed to scrape from this cesspool of irrelevance:

Sadie (a.k.a. the virgin, a.k.a. the Christian one) -
Sadie once again proved to be the most boring date, mainly because of her staunch refusal to do anything really stupid. I really like how out of probably ten hours of footage, the editors managed to only include conversations about God, religion, or saving oneself for marriage. Funny, the editors seem to do that every week...

Lisa (a.k.a. the wedding planner) -
Lisa started out strong but made some classic mistakes, although frankly I think almost all of it was staged by the producers. She gets points for being from Portland and having a very cute black pug. So far, so good. When they get to her place, she decides that she and Lorenzo should "paint an Italian fresco" on her living room wall. Say what? Anyway, in case you've been under a rock Lisa has timelined her happily-ever-after as follows: engaged in 1 year, married in 2 years, and kids in 5 years.* Don't worry if you missed it, ABC plays the same footage twice an episode, every episode, in addition to footage about other people talking about it, Lisa fretting over it, etc.

Anyway, in a classic fifth date mistake, Lisa not only forgets that she just happened to leave a huge pile of wedding magazines on her coffee table, but her best friend also happens to bring over a wedding dress for her to try on (which for some ungodly reason she does) and every member of her family happens to bring up her little five-year plan. Now, one might conclude that this is another example of how "reality" show producers manipulate content to type-cast participants** but I would never insinuate such a thing.

Jen (a.k.a. daddy's little girl) -
Hailing from Miami, Florida, so far Jen has managed to avoid serious type-casting. Much like Sadie, Jen doesn't make for great television because she generally doesn't do anything too crazy. Her dad, on the other hand, is another story. My guess is that after Jen made the mistake of mentioning that her dad owns a lot of guns, the producers decided to spice things up a bit. Long story short, Jen's dad pulled out a rifle and cocked it while telling Lorenzo if he treated his daughter poorly he would hunt him down and kill him. Hence, we come to fifth date rule #2: if a member of your family is likely to threaten your date with a gun, maybe you should suggest eating out for dinner.

Agnese (a.k.a. the Italian, a.k.a. the one who doesn't really speak English)
On the last date of the show, Lorenzo met up with Agnese in her hometown of Venice. Venice is of course best known for its romantic canals and the fact that it is slowly sinking into a marsh. As expected, the coverage focused on the fact that Lorenzo didn't speak Italian and only Agnese and her dad kind of spoke English. It was going okay until Agnese's family put on some music and proceeded to do some kind of Italian gig, while wearing what I can only describe as the Italian version of the Paul Revere cap and some sort of theatre mask. Very strange.

My advice to anyone who is being introduced to someone who doesn't speak English (especially if you want to make a good impression): learn a bit of their language, it will go a long way. And no, Lorenzo, shouting "bellissimo" does not score any points.

Alas, tonight was the episode we say good-bye to my favorite, Agnese. You pretty much knew she was going to get cut at some point but we could always hold out hope. Frankly, I think Agnese should get her own reality show.

Next week, the overnight date! Sadie's virginity is put to the ultimate test!! Duh-duh-duh-duh!

*With these talents, maybe Lisa should have planned the Iraq war
**Also see Exhibit A: The Real World

Thoughts of the Day

Here are my thoughts of the day:


1. Will someone please tell football announcers that they are no longer allowed to use the word "alacrity." One of them used the word on Monday Night Football a couple years ago and now it seems to get used every damn game. This is almost as bad as my accounting professor who used the word "parsimonious" about five times per class.


2. Is it me, or is kind of weird that CBS's Sunday night line up is:
- Amazing Race
- Cold Case
- Without a Trace


3. I went out Friday night with some friends downtown to Gluek's and then Spin. Although I think Halloween was more celebrated on Saturday, of the people who dressed up my award for best costume goes to the guy who went as Borat. He probably didn't have to buy much, just a wig and a fake mustache, and threw on a suit and sunglasses. Even so, if you know who Borat is he was instantly recognizable. The runner-up was my friend Isabel, who I don't think put any money into her costume (she was going out Saturday as one of the Supremes). She apparently started out as a librarian but ended up as a school teacher (to round out the costume she packed a menacing 6" plastic ruler and occasionally smacked people with it). I told her I thought she looked like Elizabeth Hurley a la Austin Powers. Even though she kept asking me if she looked weird - as she is prone to do - evidently a lot of guys must have agreed with me because she got hit on all night. You go, girlfriend.

The Wachowski Brothers Should Sue Apple

I had The Matrix on today when I was cleaning up my place, washing some dishes, etc. and I got a sense of deja vu when I was watching the scene where Neo is first plugged into the Construct. Basically the background is a a large white expanse, and Morpheus shows Neo the matrix world and then the real world on some kind of 50's style television. Then I thought to myself: this looks exactly just like those Mac commercials.

Besides the same backdrop, Justin Long (playing the part of the Mac) looks eerily like Keanu Reeve's geeky little brother, not to mention dressing like him. Of course, nobody is going to mistake John Hodgman for Laurence Fishburne. Now all Apple needs to do is add some leather-and-latex clad babes.

Philosophy Deconstructed

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?

This is a question that many great minds have struggled with. Frankly, I have no idea why since the answer is obvious. Yes, obviously it makes a sound. When the tree falls and hits something* the impact creates sound waves which travel through the air. These sound waves exist whether they are perceived by someone or not.

Of course, there are a lot of side issues that need to be addressed. First of all, it makes a big difference whether you use the word "sound" or "noise." From my Google research, when this question is posed the word sound is used about 75 times more often than noise. Noise is different from sound, in that perception is inherent to noise and therefore the answer would be no. Of course, whoever came up with this gem could have been using the word sound colloquially and basically meant noise. Some people on the Internet also seemed to think this was a Zen koan, which also might mean there are translation problems. My guess would be that some stoner came up with it.

Of course, the question might also be a metaphor that is really asking if something happens that nobody is aware of, does it matter?

Personally, I think a better question would be: "If a man posts snarky comments on the Internet and nobody reads them, does it make a blog?"

*Hopefully, the person who came up with this stupid question

Fafarazzi: It's Like World of Warcraft For Celebrity Gossip Whores

Well, maybe I should have predicted this but I am already getting sick of Fafarazzi. Of course, I would probably be in better spirits if I was doing better, or if a couple of days ago I hadn't just traded away a couple of players that immediately scored 5 points.

Now that I have figured out how the scoring system works, figured out who the hell these people are, and developed several killer techniques* to dominate the game, the question really comes down to this - do I have the energy and determination it takes to win at this game? As I learned after about 10 minutes last night, apparently the answer is no.

The bottom line is that I'm tired and I have a lot to do, and I'm don't have the time to spend all day and night licking the proverbial Tootsie Pop to get to the chewy celebrity center. Honestly, I just don't care what movies Mischa Barton is renting or whether Goldie Hawn approves of Owen Wilson or not. Sure, some of it's fun, by why spend time running around when I can just wait for the best of the best to show up on Mindy Does Minneapolis?

Of course, I still enjoy all of the trash talking that goes on. I think the plan now is to hope that LiLo pulls me through, and concentrate on messing with everybody else's mind.

*For the record, I still have a fair amount of faith in my original buy-and-hold strategy, which would have me in about third place if I hadn't made the aforementioned stupid trades.

Fafasterous!!

Internet Blogger Peter Unzipped Blows Yet Another Scandal Wide Open

MINNEAPOLIS - In a stunning revelation today, Internet blogger Peter Unzipped filed sealed charges with Fafarazzi league officials. While the exact contents of the charges are not known, insiders believe that Peter Unzipped has unearthed an underhanded scheme that several other team members were using to score points. In the growing scandal, now being referred to as Fafagate, it is believed that three sisters - Laura, Mindy, and Miranda - were using this scheme to gain an unfair advantage over their more honest competitors.

The eldest sister, Sarah, has already been cleared of all charges when it was revealed that her team sucks ass.

According to our sources, the three sisters are already preparing a countersuit, alleging that Peter has violated a previous agreement to stop trying to combine a particular word with other words over and over again. Mindy was quoted as saying "every since I started the league, it's been Fafa-this and Fafa-that. I mean it's funny once or twice but after a while it just gets old. I think his artistic license has expired."

In response, Peter issued the following statement: "This is just another smoke screen that my opponents are using to distract the American people from the truth. They pulled this stunt when I was trying to name my blog, and they're doing it again. This is worse than that fucking flag burning amendment. The public needs to know."

Justin Timberlake could not be reached for comment.

Word of the Day: I.B.T.F.A.D.

1. An Internet acronym which stands for "I'd Buy That For A Dollar." This expression was a running joke in the original Robocop movie, used by a comic named Bixby Snyder* on a fictional television show called It's Not My Problem. The show can be seen playing in the background several times during the film. Basically, the phrase is used to express affection towards the many scantily clad women that appear regularly on his show.

2. Pretty much what every man is thinking when Mindy walks by.

*I haven't seen the film in a while, but if I remember correctly Bixby Snyder's character resembles, say, a cross between Ron Jeremy and Geraldo, doing a Bennie Hill impression.

An Ode to My Fairy Blogmother

Anyone who reads this blog regularly (both of you) knows that I like to poke a lot of fun at Mindy, who is presently doing Minneapolis. However, this is more due to the fact that my communication skills with women have not progressed since about the third grade than anything actually being wrong with Mindy. There are a lot of things I can share about Mindy that are great, such as the following:

- As you may have deduced, Mindy introduced me to the wonderful world of blogging, or as some people call it 'wasting precious moments of life.' Okay, Christy deserves some credit for bugging me too, and I suppose Becky gets some credit as the O.B.* But at some point we all have to bow to the fact that Mindy is the matron of our little blogging family, leading the way in consistent high-quality posts, technological innovation, and shameless self-promotion.

- Despite being from North Dakota and attending an undergraduate college of lesser renown, Mindy is actually quite smart.

- One of my favorite Mindy moments was she decided to give the class some instruction in Throw Down 101 during a Negotiations course a couple of months ago. It's a little hard to explain unless you know something about game theory, but long story short Mindy gave a couple people in class the moral equivalent of a good bitch-slapping.

- Did I mention her dog Otis? He is an extremely adorable Boston Terrier (just ask Mindy, she'll tell you). One weekend I was fortunate enough to dog-sit for him and his 'sister' Phoebe, a black pug. Despite being an extremely masculine and testosterone-charged kind of guy, I have a thing for smaller dogs. Plus, Otis is a chick magnet. One time we were walking Otis around Lake Calhoun and Mindy walked away for five seconds (literally) and I had three cuties all up in my business. Of course, Mindy came back, but still... Now all I have to do is teach him to get phone numbers and we're in business. What's that you say? You need some gratuitous dog photos? Okay!

*Original Blogger

What Not To Wear: Pete Edition (Part III)

Alright, I'm back on the war path again. Here are even more things not to wear.

Men should not wear dress shoes that sounds like high heels when they walk. That click-clack sound is just something nobody wants to hear coming from a man. Plus, every time you walk into the bathroom everyone panics because at least for a second they think they accidentally walked into the ladies room.

Another thing to remember is if you get your dress shoes resoled, make sure the bottom of your shoe still matches the rest of it. It irritates me to see otherwise well-dressed men walking in the skyway with shoes that look like someone nailed cardboard to the bottom of them. Sorry, but it pretty much makes you look like you stole your shoes from some poor homeless guy. For the same look you could have just used about five cents worth of duct tape.

In other shoe news: unless you killed it yourself, you are not allowed to wear alligator- or snake-skin shoes. The jury is still out on huge feather boas and pimp canes.

Another unfortunate trend I have seen lately is men wearing clogs. I can tolerate the clog-as-slipper maneuver, but wearing these in public is a big n-to-the-o in my book.

I hate to do this because I appreciate the fact that they prevent me from hearing Kevin Federline's Popozao or whatever junk you are listening to, but wearing those huge noise canceling headphones in public is just plain ridiculous. These belong in the studio or a nightclub, or maybe on a Greyhound bus. Whenever I see this it's like "Where's the turntable? Where's the fucking bubble machine?"

Getting back to dress clothes, gangster collars and suits with more than three buttons are not acceptable either. Gangster collars have relatively long points and are very narrow in the front, mainly popularized by mobster movies. In modern times, they can be seen on fashion disasters such as Michael Irvin or on people who get all of their fashion sense from watching Goodfellas. Much like disco music and tie dye, this is a trend that should have been dragged out into street and shot a long time ago. If you want something trendy, try a spread collar. Just make sure to tie the knot big enough. Knucklehead.

And as far as suits with more than three buttons - just don't go there. Unless your name is T.D. Jakes things are not going to work out for you. As an example of why, please refer once again to exhibit A: Michael Irvin. I mean seriously, would someone at ESPN tell him to stop dressing like Archbishop Don Magic Juan? These suits use waaaaay to much fabric for anyone other than huge evangelical preachers to wear.

The Bachelor: Rome (Episode 4)

If there was an award for "Most Vapid Show Ever" I would have to nominate The Bachelor: Rome. This show has pretty much gone downhill ever since Erica got the boot. Anyway, now we are down to six ladies: Agnese, Desiree, Jeannette, Jennifer, Lisa, and Sadie.

Of course, the big event this week was the return of Erica. To choose the two individual dates, the girls had to go into a room and say which other girl in the household was the least sincere. In a not-so-shocking moment, all of the girls (except Lisa) picked Lisa (if you haven't noticed Lisa is not Ms. Popularity among the bachelorettes). Anyway, Erica watched the girls talk and got to decide who got the two individual dates. "I'm back, bitches," announces Erica as she reintroduces herself to the gang (who does she think she is, Mindy?).

Blah, blah, blah, Erica picks Sadie and Jennifer for the individual dates. Frankly, this is the first good choice Erica has made so far as these are two of my favorite three or four ladies. Anyway, Sadie and Lorenzo go on the first date and fly in a plane over Italy. From a viewing perspective it was kind of boring until Sadie decided to tell Lorenzo that he wanted to kiss her. Apparently "saving yourself for marriage" does not preclude one from sucking on someone's face. But hey, she got the rose.

Next up was the group date, which of course is the most entertaining (i.e. tragic) portion of the show. The Prince decided to throw a toga party, but apparently ABC was having budget problems so they had to get the togas from Ragstock or something. The date starts with a series of chariot races where the winner gets to make a wish. Anyway, Jeanette wins two races and then wins the final race against Lorenzo (gee, I wonder if the producers had anything to do with that?). After she wins, the show cuts to Lorenzo talking about how this showed that Jeannette was tough or competitive or something. At that point, about 5 million viewers must have been thinking "hey dipshit, she wasn't driving the fucking chariot." Lorenzo redeems himself somewhat later, after Jeannette makes her wish - which was the Lorenzo "enjoy the moment" - by basically saying that was the stupidest thing he has ever heard. Classic.

Anyway, next up was the individual date with Jennifer, which was nice but not particularly lively. It guess that's why ABC decided to air footage of Desiree and Lisa skinny-dipping in the pool at that point. I give the official Pete Seal of Approval to half-naked Lisa. Anyway, of course there was also the gratuitous drama where Desiree, Jeannette, and Agnese (sort-of) were talking about how Lisa "wasn't here for the right reasons" and that she was fake and how she must have watched all the previous seasons of The Bachelor and knew how to play 'the game.' Oh, the injustice!

Well, it was time for the rose ceremony. Sadie and Jennifer had already gotten a rose, and it was time to cut loose two of the ladies. Lisa got one, and in a sort-of surprising move Agnese got the other one. I was expecting her to get cut at some point due to the whole not speaking English thing, but I guess hotness is pretty easy to translate.

Next week, we're off to meet the parents. I hear one of them threatens Lorenzo with a gun!

A Plug for Thanh Do

Well, it's time that I give a shout out to my friends at Thanh Do, the best Vietnamese-Asian restaurant in the Twin Cities. Opened eight years ago by my friend Thom (who also owns Azia on Nicollet) it is mostly run these days by his sisters Hannah, Grace, Charis, and Priscilla, as well as a close-knit group of employees. They are hard-working people so don't be stingy on the tip you cheapskate bastards.

The menu has a lot of variety and you can get away with most substitutions. Bring your appetite (or some tupperware) because most of the portions are huge. My personal favorites are the chicken lo mein and asparagus chicken (four star spice of course).* Pad thai and spring rolls are also very popular here, as well as a whole bunch of other dishes.

It's located at 3005 Utah Av. S. in St. Louis Park, right next to the Texas-Minnetonka intersection. Pick-up is also available, but then you won't be able to chat up the famous Von Trapp sisters.**

*please keep in mind I can eat much spicier food than you

**their last name is not actually Von Trapp, although all of them are semi-professional karaoke singers

Fafarazzi: The Trash Talking Starts... Now!

Alright, after a thorough post-draft analysis, I am making the following predictions about this season. Going from last place to first:

8. Maggie Dee - I need to send an e-mail to Mindy to see what kind of beer Maggie Dee likes because she is going to need a sympathy gift when she comes in last place by a mile. I will refrain from mentioning the fact that this team was clearly hand-picked. Flava Flav as a first rounder is basically inexcusable, and unless Matthew McConaughey gets Heather Locklear pregnant during a three-way with Hulk Hogan, this team is done.

7. Super Fan - I think the big question here is "who is Super Fan?", mainly because - led by a fading Britney Spears and only a few steady celebrities - this team has pretty much no chance of winning. Based solely on his or her draft picks and the Pink Floyd/Max Headroom references, my guess is this is some guy named James who lives in Minneapolis, maybe around 25 years old or so, probably another Mac grad.

6. Sarah - I think Sarah forgot to set up her draft pool or something. Other than Nicole Richie and Angelina Jolie, this team is definitely not ready for prime time. Amanda Peet in the fifth round? What, is she going to get pregnant again? Will Ferrell, Heather Mills, and Mario "I cheated on the Dorito's girl" Lopez are all sleepers but will probably remain so. Unless Jaime Pressly gets knocked up or Eddie Murphy impregnates another Spice Girl, this team is going nowhere fast.

5. Mindy - The dark horse of the league, somehow Mindy ended up with both Katie Holmes AND Anna Nicole Smith, both of whom could score huge if things go right, moving Mindy up in the rankings. Although she has safe picks Beyonce, Bobby Brown, and Eva Longoria, other than that her picks are a little questionable. Aaron Carter was a waste of a fourth round pick, and even in the tenth Shanna Moakler was clearly a sympathy pick. Her scuffle with Paris was soooo two weeks ago.

4. 'Randa - A solid team with Tom Cruise and K-Fed out in front, and a host of solid bench players including Scarlett Johansson, Christina Aguilera, and Whitney Houston. I'm cool on Vince Vaughn and Nick Carter, but Kid Rock could pay off big if he manages to get Pamela Anderson pregnant - although he probably could have been picked up even lower.

3. Mary Jo - Coming out of nowhere, MJ is already the talk of the league. With the first pick, Mary Jo took Paris Hilton who is likely to be the points champion. There is no dead weight on this team: Jennifer Aniston was a great pick-up at #16, followed by Jennifer Lopez, Sienna Miller, David Beckham, Cameron Diaz, Nicole Kidman, Joe Simpson, Kate Hudson, and Keira Knightley. With an excellent combination of superstars and solid veterans this team doesn't need any flukes to content for the crown.

2. Laura - The pride of North Dakota, this is a very intimidating team, stacked from top to bottom. Jessica Simpson takes the point, with solid performers in Brad Pitt, Mel Gibson, and Victoria Beckham backed up by Sean Combs, David "King of the Internet" Hasselhoff, Kate Bosworth, and the apparently newsworthy Pete Doherty. Suri Cruise is a risky sixth rounder but might score big.

1. Peter - Who the hell do you think I was going to predict as the winner?

Fafarazzi: Draft Day Re-cap

Well, the Mindy Does Minneapolis Fafarazzi draft is now complete. Here is the draft day re-cap for Team Pete:

Round 1: Lindsay Lohan - after Britney Spears was surprisingly taken with the number two pick, Team Pete was all too happy to snatch up all-time points champion Lindsay Lohan. Even without scandal, Lohan should be able to contribute 15 to 20 points.

Round 2: Ashlee Simpson - A somewhat risky pick, the lesser half of the Simpson girls is red hot right now, with rumors of eating disorder and plastic surgery running rampant. Even if she doesn't manage to do anything stupid over the next three weeks, she will probably pick up at least some points.

Round 3: Pamela Anderson - Pam will be sure to generate some solid pointage, but could blow this thing wide open if she gets knocked up by Kid Rock.

Round 4: Nick Lachey - A huge steal late in the fourth round, Nick is a solid long-time performer who also has good short-term results. I don't see a huge payoff here, but he is definitely going to be a workhorse for Team Pete.

Round 5: Justin Timberlake - Yet another steal, this time in the fifth round. Much like Nick, he has fallen off some people's radar lately, but will generate some solid points with limited downside risk.

Round 6: Mischa Barton - Although I still don't know what people see in her, Mischa Barton is still capable of creating a lot of buzz and should be able to deliver 3 or 4 points.

Round 7: Gwenyth Paltrow - I'm not sure what to think about Gwenyth these days, but I think she is a good pick-up late in the game. I don't think she's worth more than a couple points, but hopefully she will adopt a child and name it "Love Power" or something.

Round 8: Kirsten Dunst - A great eight round pick, Kirsten stands to pick up some Marie Antoinette-related buzz from the talk show and movie premiere circuit, which could pay off handsomely for Team Pete.

Round 9: Kate Beckingsale - A safe pick in the ninth, I decided she had little upside potential and traded her in for Michael Jackson.

Round 10: Mary-Kate Olson - Not bad for a tenth round pick, but she better pull her own weight otherwise she might find her ass traded for Nicky Hilton.

There Is Nothing Left To Say

As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States.

- Rick Santorum (R-Pa)

The First Law of the Internet

No matter what you look like, if you post your picture on the Internet, somebody, somewhere, will masturbate to it.

If Not Now, When?

You know, lately I've been thinking about a problem I have. Perhaps you have this problem to. I wouldn't quite call it procrastination but it's along those lines. Maybe I should call it Pete-crastination. Hmmm, let me look up the definition of procrastination online here...

Okay, never mind, procrastination is the word I'm looking for. Maybe.

The reason I don't like the word procrastination is that the things I put off I have perfectly good explanations for putting off. I'll date more once I'm done with grad school, I'll get back to working out regularly once this exam is over, I do this once I find a new job, yadda yadda. But I think that's the point I'm trying to make here - there will always be a legitimate reason to put things off until later. I think it comes down to deciding what's important to you and start living it.

In that spirit, I am pleased to announce my newest campaign called "If Not Now, When?"* My first "now" is going to be getting my ass back in shape and dropping at least 15 pounds of flab by the end of January.** It'll be tough with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up (the Scylla and Charybdis of dieting) but with your support I will make it. Anyway, I will provide you with updates to let you know how I am progressing.

You too can catch the fever! Write in to me to tell me your "If Not Now, When?" stories.

*The original name was "If not now, when, you lazy bastard?" but focus groups found that to be too negative.
**Maybe 20, but we'll re-evaluate at 185. I know what you're thinking, but the plan is to go from "good-looking" to (as Mindy would say) "rip-tizzeled." Seriously Mindy, talking like Snoop Dogg stopped being cool around '96.

The Bachelor: Rome

Oh, Lorenzo, just when I was about to put the kabosh on this experiment I call watching The Bachelor: Rome, you redeem yourself. Yes, on a double date with Agnese and Emily and only one rose to give, Lorenzo sent Emily packing. I don't have to much else to say right now (I may add more later), but I thought I would share this wonderful news with you.

Pictures of Me

For no particular reason, tonight I am posting some pictures of myself as a child. Lordy was I cute. Frankly, it's been downhill since then...

The picture on the right was taken was I was eight. Man was I rockin' that shirt. Also, in case anyone was going to ask - no, I did not start perming my hair at some point. It went curly around 8th grade.

Here is a picture of me when I was really little. Check out the Obi-Wan Kenobi pants. Awesome, I know.

PE Is In Full Effect, Brotha

The Onion goes old school this week, in this homage to Public Enemy.

The Cultural Society, Poetry, et al

In case any of you are into poetry readings, my cousin runs a poetry outfit here in Minneapolis, called The Cultural Society. They sponsor poetry readings at places like Magers & Quinn and sell some poetry from mostly regional authors.

As a tribute, here is a poem I wrote in high school, called "The Butterfly:"

I looked way up into the sky,
__and out of the corner of my eye,
oh what, oh what, did I just spy?
__I just spied a butterfly
A butterfly as it fluttered by,
__grabbed it tho' I can't say why.
Much force did my hand apply,
__Thus killing the little butterfly.

What Not to Wear: Pete Edition (Part II)

Due to the overwhelming response to my last post on avoiding fashion disasters, I have decided to blog some more on this topic.

Tasseled loafers - I don't know what the question is, but I can tell you that tasselled loafers are not the answer.

In gangster related news, both uber-baggy pants and having one pant leg pulled up are both out. Regarding the former, how are you going to be a hard-core O.G. when you can't even run from the cops? Have you ever tried to run with your pants down around your ankles? Nothing is going to ruin your street cred like waddling away from a crime scene like the fucking Penguin and then doing a face-plant on the sidewalk. At least the one pant leg pulled up look makes you look dangerous. Why? Because you would have to be one of the most dangerous people on this planet to avoid the beat downs this fashion disaster would normally engender. In other news, huge clock necklaces are still awesome.

Ladies: never, ever wear Ugg boots - or any shoe that resembles some kind of snow boot for that matter. It doesn't matter how cute you are, you will look really dumb and risk being beaten up. The message you will be broadcasting to the world is "I am a mindless fashion automaton who will buy anything no matter how overpriced and/or stupid it looks if Cosmo says it's hip."

While you're at it, just say ell-hay o-nay to any kind of oversized Onassis sunglasses. Occasionally you can find someone who actually looks good in these. Alas, you are not one of those people.

Here we have a picture of Paris Hilton violating both of these bedrock principles, as seen on Go Fug Yourself. Actually, I'm pretty sure she stole those sunglasses from Evil Knievel. Either way, this look is not saved by the custom-embroidered sky blue sweats and K-mart tank top combo with matching white denim vest.

In a surprise move, the Peter Fashion Seal of Approval goes to the sports jacket and jeans look. For a while I thought this look was too contrived, but I've decided I actually like it.

The RZA, The GZA, The BLZA

Wolf Blitzer - The lost member of the Wu-Tang Clan. Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nothing Ta Fuck Wit. Bitches.

In an Unexpected Development, Wolf Blitzer Grows Some Balls

CNN is not really known as a network that asks the tough questions. This is, after all, the home of Larry King. The usual set up is to interview two people who have very opposing opinions on a topic. The anchor, apparently in attempt to fight off charges by Republicans that it is part of the "liberal elite,"* will almost never rebut anything that either guest says no matter how ridiculous (coincidentally, it is usually a right-winger saying something ridiculous).

Anyway, during a recent Late Edition, Wolf has Charles Rangel (D-NY) and Patrick McHenry (R-NC) on discussing the Mark Foley situation. The background is that McHenry, who apparently got the job of point person for the Republican counterattack, has been hitting the talk show circuit accusing Democrats of withholding information about Foley until right before the election. Here is the part of the transcript just when things are starting to get good...

BLITZER: So what you're suggesting -- and correct me if I'm wrong, because you've been doing this for the last few days -- that Democrats are behind the timing of the release of this information? Is that your accusation?

MCHENRY: Well, look, all the fact points lead to one question: Did Rahm Emanuel or Nancy Pelosi have any involvement on the strategic or tactical level?

This morning on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos," the question was asked of Rahm Emanuel.

His reaction was he did not see the instant messages or e-mails. He repeatedly said, he did not see. I've asked him to testify under oath to assure the American people that he was not involved in this issue in any way, shape or form.

BLITZER: Do you have any evidence at all that Democrats or others might have been behind the timing of this scandal?

MCHENRY: Look, let's be honest...

BLITZER: Do you have any evidence to back that charge up?

MCHENRY: No, no, actually, if the Democrats had any issue with saying this, putting all the facts out on the table, they would say, certainly, I'll testify under oath that I had no involvement in it. They've said no.

BLITZER: Well, you don't have any evidence, though, right?

MCHENRY: Well, look at the fact points.

BLITZER: Yes or no, do you have any evidence, Congressman?

(Here is the best part, when McHenry completely loses his mind and starts throwing out universal negatives...)

MCHENRY: Do you have any evidence that they weren't involved?

Seriously, someone this stupid shouldn't be elected Mayor McCheese.

Maybe you have to know Wolf Blitzer to truly appreciate this. If you just can't get enough of Patrick McHenry getting bitch-slapped by Wolf Blitzer, you can check out the video here by clicking on the picture.

*For more on this topic, please refer to the file labeled "if we repeat something enough times, people will start to believe it."

Triumph the Comic Dog: Star Wars Clip

Okay, YouTube is officially pissing me off. Despite the fact that YouTube claims that it still links to BlogSpot, it cannot seem to find my blog.

Anyway, I will not let this get in my way of sharing hilarious video content with my audience. Here is one of my favorite clips, where Triumph the Comic Dog basically takes a crap on Star Wars Fans at the premiere of The Attack of the Clones. To see it, click on the image.

More Lessons from The Bachelor: Rome

Well, last night was the second episode of The Bachelor: Rome, and man is this show is going downhill fast. It is only you, loyal readers, that give me the strength to watch another hour of this crap.

The major disappointment of this show was, of course, that the dumbass gave another rose to Emily. Now, as you know from my last post, Emily is not exactly in my Fave 5. Besides not being particularly attractive she is a huge moron and a complete snob. She actually asked the host whether they were going be providing her with a maid. When she and Lorenzo were apparently discussing the fact that nobody else on the show likes her, she starting talking about how she likes to judge other people. Smooth. Very smooth. There is a rumor going around the message boards that she is actually an actress planted on the show. Frankly, she is such a ridiculous person I am starting to wonder if this is true. Unless Lorenzo is either a moron or a complete fraud, I find it hard to believe she keeps making the cut unless ABC was somehow pressuring him to keep her on the show.

Sometimes, you can actually learn something useful from watching reality TV. For example, on this episode, Kim taught us all that it is not a good idea to get loaded on a date, fall asleep, and wake up only to mistake your date for the waiter - while speaking in tongues, no less. Shockingly, Kim did not get a rose.

We learned another lesson from Lisa, my week one favorite. When you are on date, do not bad mouth other women, your ex, etc. This is not attractive. It is like going to a job interview and trashing your boss. She is still one of my favorite cuties, but she is on notice. Wisely, she did not tell Lorenzo about her marriage schedule.

My new favorite is Agnese (pronounced Ag-knee-zee). At some point some exec from ABC must have decided that Agnes was not a romantic enough name. This week we learned that in addition to speaking Italian and some English, girlfriend also speaks French (as in, french kissing)! Yep, Agnese was the first of the women to plant a real kiss on our unsuspecting prince. I still don't think she will "win" the show but God please let her stay for as long as possible.

What Not to Wear: Pete Edition

In order to prevent further fashion disasters, I have started to collect nuggets of sartorial wisdom:

Men - the end of your tie should fall in the center of your belt buckle. If you notice that your old ties no longer reach your belt, here's a hint for you: extra long ties are not made for extra long people. Think about it.

Short sleeve dress shirt is an oxymoron.

Unless you are caught outside in the sun for a long time, do NOT flip your collar up. The upturned collar looked stupid in the 80's and it still looks dumb today. Even Pharrell Williams cannot pull this shit off.

To paraphrase Carson Kressley, pointed shoes are for elves, witches, and whores. I would also like to add genies to that list. Now, I don't mean any old pointed shoe, you now the shoes I am talking about. These shoes just look ridiculous.

Despite the rumors obviously spread by the fabric cartel, the thong has never gone out of style. It is one of the greatest ways I can think of to frame the best part of the female anatomy. However please remember this: the exposed thong should be used in moderation. Catching a occasional glipse of your thong is a nice treat. But much like the DJ who plays your favorite song on the radio a thousand times, the thong loses its effectiveness through overexposure.

P.S. Oh yeah, I forgot about the dress scarf. Unless the look you are going for is "prissy," the dress scarf is not a good idea. Except maybe if it's the ONLY thing you're wearing.

There Ain't No Party Like A Blogger Party 'cause a Blogger Party Don't Stop (Until Midnight)

Well, the first annual (semiannual? bi-fortnightly?) blogger party was this Friday and went off without a hitch. Although nobody ended up completely embarrassing themselves, it was still a lot of fun. The whole gang was there: Becky, Christy, Jason, Mindy, and of course me. Hopefully over time we can bring some other local bloggers into our little band. For most of us, we didn't really know everyone else in person before (except for Mindy - she gets around... socially, that is). Instead of being tiny JPEGs who make snarky comments on the Internet, we now all know each other as real people who make snarky comments on the Internet. We learned a lot of other interesting things about each other:

Becky is looking to create another blog in addition to her PG-13 organ donation blog. Apparently she felt that "slut related material" was not appropriate for Chopped Liver. Do I smell a blog naming contest people?

In additional to her other duties, Mindy also lays claim to the title of Queen of the Exercise Ball (see Exhibit A).

At least one of us enjoys breaking other people's trash cans and not telling them about it.

If Mindy was a lesbian, she would date homely, anorexic-looking women with no fashion sense. She would also have to buy season tickets to the Lynx and start breeding pit bulls.

Christy is more obsessed with rap music than I am. I wonder if she screams things like "West Side" and flashes gang signs when she is drunk.

Of course, there was a lot of stuff that I can't put on a blog. Feel free to send in your own blogger party stories!

Seriously, I'm Moving to Europe

I was watching the Daily Show last night and found out that a recent study, detailed in Science magazine, found out that only 40% of Americans accept the theory of evolution as correct. Out of the 34 industrialized countries surveyed, the United States had the lowest percentage of all countries except for Turkey.

In other news, a whopping 64% of Americans apparently believe that creationism should be taught in schools alongside evolution.

Here is some other encouraging news about Americans, from this National Geographic survey of Americans aged 18-24:

- 63% cannot find Iraq on a map of the Middle East.
- 88% cannot find Afghanistan on a map of Asia.
- 70% cannot find North Korea on a map of Asia. (hopefully more than that can find it on a map of the Korean peninsula...)
- 30% thought that the U.S.-Mexican border was the most heavily fortified border in the world.
- 50% cannot find New York state on a map of the United States.
- 74% thought that English was the most common native language in the world.

You can take the quiz yourself here. I won't bother mentioning that I scored 20 out of 20 (although I admit I guessed on the immigration question).

The Bachelor: Rome

Well, since nobody around here seems to be interested in serious topics, I thought I would serve up a slice of cheesecake for y'all today. Namely, a review of the ABC show The Bachelor: Rome. Last night was the season premier, and for those of you who have never seen the show the basic premise is that there is one guy (a.k.a. the bachelor) who gets to "date" 25 women, and eliminates some of them on each show until he is down to just one. In theory, they are supposed to get married and live happily ever after but my understanding is that these bachelor-shows are something like 0-for-3 on the marriage count (Mindy? Some help here?).

I actually liked the bachelor guy, Lorenzo Borghese (pronounced bore-gay-zee). Of course, the show constantly refers to him as Prince Lorenzo Borghese like anyone besides the crazy women on this show care. He seems like a nice guy, pretty down to earth, smart, successful largely in his own right. However, he seemed to completely miss one major point. At the beginning of the show he said that he does not like to bring up the fact that he is an Italian prince because then he gets all this attention from women who are only interested in the prince thing, not because they actually like him. Okay, that basically makes sense. But here is some advice for Mr. Borghese - if you are sick of women hitting on you simply because you are a prince, DO NOT go on the Bachelor. I mean seriously dude, have you never watched reality TV before? Don't you know what kind of people audition for these shows? Did you not think that ABC would beat the whole prince thing to death? I don't think the show went a single minute without using the word prince, or some derivation thereof.

Seriously, why do so many women go ga-ga over royalty anyway? I don't get it. In Lorenzo's case, the story is that 400 years ago or so, one of his ancestors was the Pope. This Pope woke up one day and decided that some of his relatives should be princes. Sorry, but I just don't associate nepotism with romance. Now, I can buy the fact that someone might find him intriguing because he has an interesting family history, but let's face it this entire show is based on some kind of princess fairy tale crap.

Topic for discussion: is it just me or is the bachelor just not THAT good-looking? I'll give him handsome, in an Ivy League sort of way. I thought he looked a lot like a Ken doll. Does anyone think that these women really thought that this guy was that attractive, or is this some kind of reality TV show strategy? Or was it that ABC just cut out any statement about his appearance that was not completely over-the-top?

Here are my two cents on a couple of the women:

ERICA: I can't believe he gave a rose to this chick. Here's clue number two: if someone actually says "I flew coach for the first time ever, just to be with you" run the other way. This is doubly true if this person lists her occupation as "socialite." Triple if she is wearing a fucking tiara.

AGNES: Wow, Agnes is gorgeous. She was one of the two surprise Italian women who crashed the show. I was glad she got a rose mainly because she is HOT HOT HOT. Okay, she seemed sweet and smart too, but so far most of what we know about her is hotness-related. Here's the problem though: she doesn't really speak English. Now, maybe she carries around an etch-a-sketch or something, but I think this inability to communicate might be a problem given the fact that he is speed-dating 25 women. In case you're wondering, this Italian prince does not actually speak Italian.

LISA: Lisa got the first rose from the Bachelor, which came with a pair of diamond earrings. She might turn out to be a flake, but I have to say I found her absolutely a-dor-a-ble. She got a little tipsy from the champagne, but when she took Lorenzo on a walk to hug a tree I was hooked. What a great smile. So cute!

Anyway, my thoughts on the other women he picked were that most of them were too skinny (that topic will be covered more in another post). Let me know if you guys have any thoughts on this travesty of social experimentation.