What to Get Mindy If Match.com Doesn't Work Out

Hahahahahaha.

The Launch of The Flying Danish

Tonight is the launch of The Flying Danish, a new blog about my upcoming adventures in Denmark. Check it out!

House Democrats Congratulate Themselves On Passing Meaningless Price Gouging Bill

Washington, DC - A vaguely written bill sponsored by Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) narrowly passed through House today. Even if the bill somehow makes it through the Senate, it will almost certainly be vetoed by President Bush.

"The American people put Democrats back and power with a mandate for change," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "and we will use that mandate to pass specious pieces of legislation." Other upcoming items include a no confidence vote on Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and several nonbinding resolutions.

Among other clearly unenforceable clauses, the bill gives the Federal Trade Commission the ability to go after oil companies and other entities if they take an "unfair advantage" or charge "unconscionably excessive" prices, whatever the hell that means. Although not quite as ridiculous as last years Republican proposal of a $100 rebate for gasoline - which was only topped in stupidity by Democrats counter-proposal of a $500 rebate - industry experts agree that the bill is, quite frankly, retarded.

In related news, Chuck Shumer (D-NY) announced at a press conference that he will launch his 8th investigation of the oil industry.

Even More Reasons To Hate Jocks

Michael Vick to Make Cameo Appearance on Animal Cops: Virginia

Just when you thought you ran out of reasons to hate jock culture, some moronic football player talks out of the ass-side of his mouth.

For those of you who haven't been following the Michael Vick dog fighting case (if you're too lazy to use Google, here's a decent article), authorities raided a property in Virginia that belongs to Vick (on a drug-related investigation involving his cousin) and found 50 or so dogs - many of whom were apparently injured and malnourished - along with dog fighting paraphernalia. It appears that all the dogs will be euthanized because they are too aggressive to be adopted. Despite the NFL's longstanding tolerance of wife-beating, misogyny, heavy drugs, general thuggery, and rampant homophobia (but God help you if you get caught with a jay!), commissioner Roger Goodell actually appears to be taking this seriously. However, I suppose fairness calls for withholding judgment until Ron Mexico*, um, I mean Michael Vick gets his proverbial day in court.

While the investigation is ongoing (the evidence does not look good for Vick though) there are no misunderstandings when it comes to what Redskin players Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels said yesterday (story here). Portis said that when if Vick was convicted of dog fighting charges he would be "put... behind bars for no reason." Later he went on to say "it's his property; it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it." Samuels, while giggling, added helpful comments such as "haven't you seen Animal Planet?"



(Sorry, this video kind of sucks)

So Steff and anyone who else in the D.C. area - find out where Clinton Portis lives and take your dog (or any dog for that matter) and have it take a crap on his lawn. And if it turns out that Michael Vick was knowingly involved in dog fighting and Falcon's owner Arthur Blank doesn't can him - then never buy anything at Lowe's again.

*Seriously, if the name Ron Mexico doesn't mean anything to you you need to check this shit out

Working Mothers Cause Childhood Obesity, Study Finds

So Get Back Into the Kitchen Lady

Minneapolis - A recent study published by the USDA confirms what proponents of family values have known all along – that mothers who work outside the home are the main cause of kids being fat. The study highlighted the fact that between 1970 and 1999 the number of children classified as obese increased, as did the number of mothers of kids under six working outside the home. Although some experts cautioned that “correlation is not the same as causation,” heroes such as CNN’s Kiran Chetry know that Americans don’t need to be lectured by a bunch of nerds.

Local agitator Mindy was not impressed by the study. “The very premise of this study is wrong-headed. Why doesn’t the study talk about families where both parents work outside the home instead of blaming everything on the mother? I mean, I can see someone making the argument that with both parents working that it might be harder for parents to prepare nutritious meals for the kids but why isn’t this study talking about the fathers?”

Oh Mindy, hilarious! Seriously, you should think about starting your own blog.

My New Favorite TV Show: Old Reruns of CSI

For some reason, I have recently gotten into watching old episodes of CSI. I never really watched it when it first came out, but now I find myself watching reruns on Spike TV a lot. Despite being totally unrealistic in terms of what forensic scientists actually do, the show seems quite well written and has a lot of interesting characters. Of course, it doesn’t hurt when two of those characters are played by Marg Helgenberger and Jorja Fox, for whom the acronym CSI might be more appropriate if it stood for Criminally Sexy Investigators. Obviously the writers of the show are pretty hard core forensic nerds who spend a lot of time researching the latest in obscure forensic techniques, although sometimes the show seems to drift into some rather “theoretical” territory.

There is one thing about the show I don’t really get though. Why is it that whenever they investigate a crime scene, they never turn on the lights? It’s one thing if they are investigating a partially burnt down house or they are using a black light to look for, um… evidence, but who the hell looks around a crime scene in the dark with just a flashlight? Is it a fear of harsh, overhead lighting? I mean, when you can’t find your car keys do you turn off all the lights and whip out your Maglite?

Hell Comes to Blogtown

Alright, it's time to get back to blogging. Like Mindy, I have been a little wrapped up in Financial Statement Analysis. As Mindy Does Minneapolis readers know, she loved the class as documented here and here. Unlike Mindy, I tend to react to these situations by burying myself in them in schoolwork. That, combined with a case of bronchitis and bloghaustion made me decide to take a little haitus from blogging. But I'm back know, so stop complaining. Mindy.

Now thats school is done for the semester, I've mostly been taking it easy and starting to get ready for Denmark. I think the plan is to create an alterna-blog for Denmark and name it The Flying Danish.

Instead of trying to make some huge blog entry as I have a tendency to do, I think I'll spread my updates out for a couple of days. So there.